Self Acceptance and Internal Peace

I have been amazed to find along my journey of self acceptance how events early in life had a way of impacting the direction my life has taken. To this, my journey required that I go back and finally confront numerous demons that profoundly impacted me emotionally and psychologically. What seems so obvious to me today, after much thought and reflection, was so unbelievably foreign to me when I started on my journey. And while I have accepted and have taken responsibility (along with forgiving myself) for the decisions I have made leading me into the closet for so many years, understanding the course of events in my life that lead me to make those decisions have been critical towards helping me find self acceptance and ultimate peace with myself.

Prior to coming out to myself, on the outside, I projected strength, confidence and self assurance towards others. On the inside, however, I lacked much of any degree of confidence, felt massive amounts of shame and a strong sense of guilt. This was the foundation for the lies that were to come.

Growing up in a physically and emotionally abusive home with an emotionally unstable mother and mostly absent father generated a lot of self doubt in the first instance.

Being sexually abused for an extended period of time as a child by a close male childhood family friend further harmed my confidence and self worth while also creating early feelings of guilt.

Seeking out a father figure as a teenager whom then took advantage of my emotional insecurities to satisfy his own sexual desires distorted my ability to trust people.

Being teased by others, talked about behind my back and my sexuality questioned as a kid created a massive impediment towards self acceptance.

Pushing myself to be with girls throughout my teenage years as a way to ignore my true sexuality created confusion and a false sense of self.

Having my heart crushed by the first guy I fell in love with following high school reinforced for me in my own mind the notion that being gay would never be a viable option.

All of this lead me to go into the closet and keep the door tightly locked following high school and for the next twenty years.

And during this twenty year period, I seemed to have "shut it off, like a light switch" (could not resist the reference to those that have seen The Book of Mormon).

And where I buried my emotions and created a wall, I leveraged my intellectual capabilities and turned my attention towards work. This became the ultimate distraction and reinforced the wall I built.

But a persons body and mind have a way of working on their own and things ultimately do seem to catch up with you.

And I am glad they did!

Finally coming out to myself when I was 42, and accepting that I was gay was the single greatest emotional and intellectual accomplishment I have made in life. But, boy, that was only the beginning of the journey towards self acceptance.

The last three years of the journey have been an adventure to say the least. I have learned so much about myself, so much that I had previously buried.

Coming to terms with myself: whether through sexual exploration, therapy, meeting others (and sharing our respective experiences), enagaging in the discussions here on EC, building new life lasting relationships (how my fiancé put up with me through the last two years is a testament to his own love for me no doubt), all contributed to building my sense of self.

Coming to terms with all the events that lead me to build the wall has been a significant part of that journey. Finding forgiveness, self acceptance, true personal confidence and, ultimately, peace with myself is the reward for confronting my demons.

Has there been collateral damage along the way? Yes, I have hurt others in this process and recognize the sacrifices others have made on my behalf. That will always remain with me.

Does this mean the journey is over? Highly doubtful. I know I will spend the rest of my life on my journey. Continuing to learn about myself, finding further acceptance and identity.

But today, I do believe I have reached s point of peace with my life. A place that has been long coming, and where it feels great to be. I do feel that I have finally gone through the next door in life and look forward to what lies ahead.

 

Thanks for being a part of the journey Greatwhale! You (along with so many others) have inspired, at times challenged and even more so have provided meaningful and enlightening counsel and advise. Bless you.

 

Thanks Sienafire. By all indications, looks like your well on your way just the same.

 

The good thing about it crumbling down and hitting bottom, there is only one way to go - Up!