Given up trying to be gay

Re: Given up trying to being gay

What you want to do is what gay men almost necessarily did in the last century. I grew up in a climate where you could lose your job, family and friends because you were queer (that was the word for us in those times). I, like you, did not want to be part of the gay community. My choice was to meet a woman, marry and have a family. It's also just what I did. I don't remember whether it was before or after we were engaged that I admitted to strong homosexual feelings. We loved each other and she accepted me for who I am. That marriage lasted 23 years and I was blessed with 3 wonderful children who today are successful adults.

The way you should approach this life decision is the way you would approach any important decision. Every woman who makes the same life choice, meaning she wants to marry and have a family is "fair game" in the sense of the field you have open to you. At the moment, you are still in the decision process, If you make the decision to follow through on this choice begin by dating women. You are right it's not about sex, it's about love. You are capable of loving a woman, love is different from sexual attraction. Sexual attraction is nature's way of making someone attractive thus opening the possibility of a loving relationship. There are available women all around you every day. You probably have some as friends and there may even be some that you find attractive as people. Decide what type of person you want as a life partner and as you meet women look to develop a close relationship. As you do you will find you bond with that person and maybe come to love them romantically as well. After our wedding, we were both virgins, I had trouble getting an erection. After a lot of tearful conversation I was able to overcome the problem and after that I had a very satisfactory sex life with her but must admit, my right hand was also a friend during my marriage (I don't believe I was unusual in that, most men straight or gay continue to masturbate during marriage). I mention it because my fantasies weren't very straight. You will also meet men during your lifetime in a marriage that will offer up some very strong temptations. If you remember after you bring children into the world you have a responsibility to them and their mother you can overcome those temptations.

I hope my story helps you. If you have any questions about my choice please feel free to ask.

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

If you choose to throw over your sexuality for familial reasons, that's totally your concern. My only request is that you not bring anybody else into this agreement under false pretenses. It sounds like you're not interested in doing so - you're specifically asking where to find women who would be interested in hitching their wagon to a gay man's star, as it were. And that's admirable. But make sure you stick with it. Because I can guarantee finding a woman to sign up for a husband who "doesn't hate her" is going to be a tough slog. And when it becomes so, if you suddenly have a woman showing a bit of interest...well, would it really hurt if you just played along? Because you're not LYING to her or anything. You're just, y'know, not telling her everything.

...these scenarios rarely end well.

I don't recall who it was here, but somebody had set up their perfect scenario. They'd get married to a lesbian, and their boyfriend would marry the lesbian's girlfriend, and they'd live next door to each other, and maintain this perfect image of heterosexuality for the world. Which seemed horrendously complicated to me, but hey, if you get three people to sign up, go for it, I guess.

Lex

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

This exactly.

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

Of course the women you talk about are rare. In this day an age in which the marriages are not arranged, people want to marry someone who is attracted to them. If you really want to follow your plan, you should marry a lesbian. No straight woman is going to be satisfied with you in the long term if you dont fancy her, despite the fact that she might known about your preference beforehand.

I encourage you to keep thinking about this. I understand your love for your family and traditions, but your attitude towards them reminds me of some women who still want to be with their abusers because they trick themselves into thinking that they love them. If your family doesnt accept you, probably doesnt love you. If you pretend to be straight, they wont love you more. They simply will be kinder towards you because you are bending to their desirees.

Good luck with your decision. If you marry a woman, TELL HER NO MATTER WHAT. She doesnt deserve to be lied.

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

I've read your previous posts, and if the sage advice offered on those threads hasn't influenced you to find the strength to love and accept yourself as a gay man, then it's pointless to flame you and revisit the discussion on this thread.

I agree that if you are going into a marriage consciously knowing that you are gay, please be upfront with your future wife. I don't have personal experience to offer, so you'll have to try things and gauge their effectiveness. For example I'm not sure how well "Gay man looking for a wife" would go over in an online dating site, but that's one possibility.

I'm wondering though how much of your parent's homophobia rubbed off on you growing up? It seems to me it may have influenced you more than you realize if you are so unhappy with yourself as a gay man that you feel you have to live an inauthentic life to placate your parents and family.

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

I just don't see your scenario playing out well for anybody: bringing children into the world to pacify the grandparents-to-be, the expectations of a committed heterosexual relationship, your trying to please your parents. A friend of mine has lived his whole life in a facade to please his parents because he knew they would ostracize him and cut him out of the will if he didn't comply to their expectations. He's almost 60 years old now, his parents are still living, and he'll tell you he made a mistake. He'll also tell you there is no amount of inheritance that is worth not living life fully alive. I wish you the very best in your endeavor and I hope you find peace in whichever direction you choose.

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

There's an old Jewish saying: He who marries for money earns it. In your case, it may not be money, but rest assured, there will be a price to pay.

Just take a look at my own experience.

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

The desire for peace, as opposed to asserting and fighting for who you are and living with integrity, is the highest price of all.

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

Authenticity in this context means pursuing a sexual or romantic relationship that is in alignment with your sexual orientation. Since you identify as gay, pursuing a marriage with a woman is going against your orientation, and therefore would not be considered authentic in the context of EC.

I know that you've decided to go down this path to find peace, yet your own prose betrays you somewhat. You seem so gung ho to find peace that you ignore truth and reality around you as you forge ahead. I will offer a prediction, though. As you get older and approach middle age, your ability to compartmentalize will lessen and your resistance weaken, and the gay part of you will begin to assert itself more aggressively. Perhaps it will be a longing when you see an attractive guy or perhaps you will experience anxiety or depressed mood. You will discover that your pursuit of peace has only been a mortgage against authentic happiness and you will once again find yourself at a crossroads. I hope on that day you find the strength to stand up to your family and tell them what's best for you, rather than to continue being swayed by their lingering homophobia.

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

Hey well I should say I see bravery and immense amount of sacrifice in what you are wishing to do. Bravery , yes because you are Ready to fight everyday seeing how different and happy your life could have been. Not saying that you won't have happiness. Being loved and having children to live for would bring immense happiness yes! But I just wish and hope you don't end up in sexual frustration. It will just make your midlife crisis worse! Specially when you get to see what could have been through examples all around you.
You seem to be from a happy and loving home seeing the immense attachment for your family. Which makes me wonder why you are so negative about their reaction. If you can't live without them I'm pretty sure they can't live without you. There are examples of people who faught through and those who turned their family around. These examples can be used as inspiration now but these very examples will be the seed of regret. So make an informed decision. Don't go to the death bed with a chest full of regrets. Anyway as you have heard enough advice from people here I'm not going to ramble on more. But I honestly hope you move ahead of this phase of bargaining though.
Finding a lesbian who wants the same would be hard. I can't think of any better place than EC, maybe other such support groups too? Usually the outcome of support groups would be quite the contrary. You should consider asexual women who want to marry a man for many purposes.
I have a friend who is doing this and he told his fiance recently. I can't imagine what went through her but anyway let's not demotivate you. I guess the first thing you should tell a woman when you want to pursue her is about your sexuality! It would be heart breaking for her later. Coz face it everyone have their sexual needs! It would be wrong to deny anyone the feeling of genuine mutual attraction with their partner.
I don't know how you will be at peace though. Coz the consolation that this would work is from the stories of men who belong to regressive times . But now and in the future you would be surrounded with what could have been. I hope that doesn't torment you!

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

"I refuse the break away from my family. I am not being physically abused by them. They are not my enemies. They don't hate me. They just want the best for me... and in their view, that is getting married to a woman and having kids."

I quote you here because reading that gave me pause and it should you too. Ok, we know what your parents want for you and I know they want you to be happy.

Doing what others want you to do is not always a good idea if what you want is diametrically opposed to what you want to do. I understand that you may want to please your parents but your life is meant to be lived with joy, happiness, love, good health and
independence.

You asked me why the marriage broke up. Probably the best answer is "anger" that I repressed over a long time. At the time of the actual breakup my wife was going through menopause and the emotional ups and downs and some of her worse habits became even more pronounced. She considered herself a "born again christian". I considered myself "born ok the first time". She had a very manipulative manner and would "nag" until she had her way. I made a last ditch attempt to put romance back in our marriage by arranging a trip to Rome for the two of us. After I made the arrangements, she began to use every excuse imaginable not to to take the trip. What would we do with the children was her biggest concern. I don't want to take up a lot of space with the details of her attempts to sabotage the trip. I came home from work one night and we discussed the trip again. During this discussion I realized that I had psychologically moved out, expressed that to her along with the fact that I didn't know if I wanted to move back in. My two older sons were in college by this time and quite independent. However my youngest son was only 15 y/o. I didn't want to leave him but felt that it would be unfair to her not to be able to move on, which she agreed about. She wanted us to go to counselling but I couldn't bring myself to do it. And so we separated.

My concern for you is first that if getting married and having children is not what you personally truly want other than because this will please your family I think you should take a step back and really think about this again.

In your post you also mention what you envision what might happen if you give in to your homosexual feelings and have a tryst or two with some guys. Marriage of any kind is a commitment to the other person and love for that person makes it a fairly easy thing to do. Once children enter the picture you two will be very busy for many years preparing them for a life lived independently of the two of you. I know that sounds kind of sterile but of course there will always be loving and nurturing involved in that process.

I have three very well adjusted, successful adult children. All of them are hetero and two of them accept my sexual preference well. My older son, with who I didn't bond well maybe not so much. The lack of bonding with him was really his problem not mine. He believed he was shortchanged because his dad should have been a macho coach type. I got that from one of his brothers who told him he was being unrealistic and silly.

Before you embark on this adventure into married life, may I make a suggestion? Take a period of time to examine what you want for yourself in life. Recognize that living a life that is pleasing to others will not necessarily be pleasing to you. If doing what you want in life is displeasing to others, so be it.

I think though, your parents love you enough to accept you for who you are. That being the case, yes they would like to see you in a marriage and with a family of your own but they may just accept any alternate life choice you choose to make. It will not necessarily break up your relationship with them.

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

So your parents want the best for you, but only if that conforms to their expectations or point of view? I'm asking this as a mom who wants the best for my kids - teenagers and older. Parents spend years thinking about who their kids are going to be, but kids rarely fit those molds we create for them. All of my kids were born male, but one of them is female. Not what I expected 19 years ago when she was born!

My oldest kid is pursuing a degree in music education so he can teach. Bright kid - he could be anything he wants, his grasp of mathematics and science is beyond anything I could ever achieve, but music is his passion. So I support him, because that's what's best for him.

Wanting what is best for my children means allowing them to be the people they are, not molding them into the image I've created for them.

I don't discourage you from finding a woman who is willing to hitch her star to you - as long as you are always honest. Years ago, I actually would have been that woman; unfortunately, I was put into that position unknowingly and now I could not do it again. I would suggest trying to find a woman who would be comfortable with an open or polyamorous marriage, but she would have to be given the same respect and freedoms in choosing to pursue extra-marital relationships. These things can work, but it takes a lot of work. I would also suggest that you consider what wanting the best for your own children would really mean to you. Best of luck, however you decide to proceed.

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

Your post reminds me of myself 3 years ago, when I first realized that my attraction to men is a fact that wont go away. After that, I spent a year trying to come up with a "plan" that will allow me to live the hetero life without being a liar. I thought that I could find a girl who would accept my homosexual attraction. But after a countless hours of research and reading about many personal experiences of other people (including people here on EC), I came to a conclusion that this is pretty impossible. After that, the depression started.

I don't think you are going to find peace ever if you carry on with your "plan". One day, and this day will definitely come, you will face the same fact that you were trying to repress for years. But this time with a difference which is +10/20/30 years as well as wife/kids. At that time your parents/family might not still be around and you would be totally alone.

 

Re: Given up trying to being gay

In the end you're the only one in your head when you fall asleep at night. If you can find peace the way you want and not hurt anyone in the process including yourself go for it. But if the chance exists that you might hurt someone (wife, children) in any way that's not the way to go. I understand not wanting to break away from your family, I'm in the closet in a family who doesn't support LGBT affairs and disapproves of anything relating to it, but it's not you who is breaking away. I have come to realize that if they can't love me for who I truly am then they're wrong and don't understand love. I mean I still love my family even knowing that when I finally tell them they will probably hate me and be disgusted. But that's they're issue and they will have to reconcile that one day. I just don't want people feeling that love has conditions and clauses attached to it.

It doesn't.

I know I'm young so what do I know right? I don't like the idea of someone supressing who they are for anyone. I feel so passionately about this because I've tried to do it, to make myself straight. It hurts telling yourself that you're broken and that you're a mistake for being this way. That the genuine feelings of love you feel for someone are disgusting. It's this that leads to suicide and I've been there too. Don't go into this knowing you're not really supposed to. Things like this rarely end well.