For those who once questioned , help please

What specifically is your "brain" telling you that makes you believe you are gay? If you are gay you wouldn't be wretching at thoughts of being with a man. There is a possibility that you are bi-sexual, however, from what you have told us up until now I doubt that as well. I have a sense there must have been some experience you had that makes you question your sexuality. Society and especially religion has made it difficult if not impossible for some people to accept themselves if they don't conform to the standard heterosexual model. If you want help with this difficult time tell us more about what happened that caused you to have this question.

 

I struggled with the thought of being gay for a long time. From about 14-23 or so I completely repressed/ignored my feelings toward guys. I wanted to be like my friends: to date girls, be "normal," fit in. I tried that for probably 5-6 years before my feelings toward guys became too intense and it really was like I was swimming against the current and I was increasingly unhappy in my last relationship. She was a great girl. Easy on the eyes, easy going, we had a ton in common. But I just wasn't into her at all and it started to become too much.

 

This is exactly the internal struggle that many closeted men go through. It certainly was for me. After the journey of self discovery that I have been on, now when I look at guys my heart feels warm

---------- Post added 10th Feb 2016 at 06:06 PM ----------

Not sure you can jump to such a conclusion about others ability to process their sexuality or deal with how they feel. Many gay man are ashamed of being gay before becoming comfortable with themselves. It's the journey of self discovery and acceptance, if they choose to embark on it, that can help them overcome thier fears and insecurities. Maybe you did not have such an issue, but your views may not fit others that are struggling.

 

Tough to answer, because my "struggle" seems to have been very atypical. I simply don't view human beings in a sexual context unless I actively choose to do so. In other words, build a human being to my precise sexual/romantic standards to be my "ideal", put them in ordinary clothes, and have them walk by me...and I won't bother looking twice. Just something in my make-up. I'm not visually attuned or something.

This comes in handy much of the time. I've never been tongue-tied because I thought somebody was "too hot/attractive/whatever", for instance. But it has some drawbacks, too. Most notably, it just never occurred to me that I might be gay. I was looking at women, waiting to feel something (other than generic "I'm horny" feelings), and nothing happened. It didn't really occur to me to ogle guys for years. And then when I did...OH! Now I get it.

I did have a questioning period. My mental picture on "what gay was" was very murky. I pictured gay relationships being somehow different and distinct from straight ones. And it ends up they're not. They're two people running parallel lives - that's all. I could picture being in a relationship with a woman, but the image was rather...cardboard. Just two people co-existing, like paper dolls. Once I fully embraced my sexuality, the idea of being with a man was more concrete. I still didn't know exactly what it would entail, and I sure as hell didn't predict what did happen, but I knew this was the right path for me.

Lex

 

Hello Justasking100, I will to resume my "Self Discovery".

I am 32 and since my teens I had a feeling for guys but I thought was just a "PHASE" but I become 20 and I had my first "real" girlfriend and after 6 months I broke up with her. She was nice more like as a friend and the sex I didn't enjoyed that much, because I would preffer jerking off thinking about guys than have sex with her, yes at that time I knew I was gay but I couldn't act on being with another men I was too affraid because in my mind being with another guy was a wrong thing.

So after I broke up with her I hook up with some girls just to try to "change my self" but it didn't work and for many years I just decieded that if I can be straight I would not be gay because I didn't want, I know sound so stupid because I was thinking about men all the time but I was affraid of my friends and family and being honest I don't know for sure what was crossing my mind that time, so I was "asexual" for a long time

All my life I was so so so depressed and I try to do many many things to get over but I couldn't get over my depression, I bought things, I travelled, I move out but none of this worked.
After my dog of 13 years past away I got even more depressed but that time hit me pretty hard, so I was just going with the flow and I got a new job yes I was very depressed but when I got this new job everything changed.
At this new job there was a guy we worked side by side and I got a huge huge crush on him, after 1 month he told me he was Gay and I got really really happy because I could share my feeling with someone and maybe kiss him kkkkkkk. So long story short it took me 3 months to tell him that I was GAY and he kissed me, OHHHHH GOSH was so so good and at that moment almost all my fears fade away.

We had just one kiss and today we are friends, I think he did this to me only to give me a kick on the but so I could see that there is nothing wrong in being with another guy .

So as you can see it took me a long road to accept my selft, I think what triggered me was my dog when she past away and a crush on this guy for me to finally have the balls to go and try something with another guy.

I know my journey only started and I have so much things to learn, but at least I learned that there is no big deal in being with another guy. After I kissed my crushed I even hookup with other guys.

If I wasn't reaised to be STRAIGHT I am 100% sure that I wouldn't have some many problmens on my mind.

By the way you should read The Velvet Rage, I got the audiobook

 

Hey there.

My story is extremely similar to yours.

Had the sudden realization at age 18; couldn't stop thinking about it after. Recurring thoughts and fantasies, but felt very split-off from my personality. Genuine feelings for girls through my teens, and afterwards. Good sex with girls.

Had the OCD diagnosis as well and did CBT treatment for awhile. Tried to "be gay" but there is a big mental block. I can have the fantasies in private but it's difficult for me to express that side of myself with real live men.

I was married to a wonderful woman but we've been separated now for about 1.5 years. I still love her very much. But the anxiety and intensity of my gay fantasies proved too much for me; I had to get some space.

At this point in my life I'm trying to make some gay friends and let any romantic relationships flow naturally. The hookup apps don't really work for me. When I've been in those situations, I kind of shut down (can't get hard).

Anyway, I'm still far from having a stable and functional sense of my identity but I've been pushing down this path steadily, and have come to some measure of peace with the process.

Feel free to ask me anything you'd like, or view some of my older posts for more background.

 

I am a female,35-but I had no questioning of my sexuality until I was 21, no looking back on my life and seeing "clues." I had boy crushes and dated boys and it was all good. I have never had sex, and I did run from a relationship when I was 21 (last relationship I have been in) because the thought of doing anything more than serious make out, I was filled with anxiety.

BUT, I am still confused and wonder if it was just one girl I was confused about due to a number of factors, and still am straight. No clue, but you are not the only one!

Also, YES to the quicksand metaphor!

 

You are not a coward, up to now you didn't get any crush on a guy I think once you get a crush and you trust then, you will go over the line and will you see there's no big deal.

This is what happened to me, I got a crush on a gay guy and I trust him and this was my started point.

Take your time and if you like a girl good for you and if you like a guy good too . this is how I am trying to live now, if I really like the person doesn't matter if it is a boy or girl

 

Hey, yes I am in therapy. Have been for almost 2 decades. Again, very similar to you, I have a big problem going from in my head to reality.

 

Does not make you a coward. I met someone of my gender that I had intense feelings for, it was not natural for me to just go all in without panic. I had to internally struggle against myself to go from just talking to kissing. But then the kiss made everything crystal clear.

It's so foreign, something you believe you shouldn't want, it takes a lot to overcome that. Connecting with someone is a lot of chemistry, timing, your mood, the music at wherever you are... you name it. And even when everything is perfect, sometimes we randomly will get shy or go home early. Nothing wrong with that, just keep trying.

Maybe the next time you are hit on, you will still turn the guy down, but you may have a longer conversation with him. And the next time it might be some jerk so you say no again. But maybe the next time it happens you say yes to a date!

I really love your quicksand quote. :eusa_clap That is my life.

 

Hi Justasking100,

Many of us on this forum have experienced what you appear to be going through. We dabbled in gay behavior before getting married then realized when we are married with children that we may be gay or bisexual. Please don't beat yourself up because you feel this way. We've all heard homophobic messages growing up that being gay is bad - whether it be from society, church, parents, or friends - that cause us to retreat to the closet. We live in a world where one is presumed straight and to question that requires strength and courage to swim against the current.

I think you may want to try and take a more comprehensive view. It would be best if you could share your story with us. I know a lot of the facts can be found in the thread, but it would be helpful if we could read your story from your perspective. Pieces of relevant information to add would be when did you first start noticing girls or guys? What about masturbation and fantasies? Previous relationships/encounters. Plus the details you've already shared. There are plenty of examples in this forum.

This isn't evidence that you are not gay or bisexual. All this means is that you aren't comfortable enough with your gay side to see yourself loving a man like you do a woman. If you are gay or bisexual, you will get to a point where you can view a another man romantically, it will take time to get there as you learn to accept yourself.