I've been reading here with great interest for a couple of months and figured it was time to participate. It's been so comforting to read so many stories so similar to mine. I'm Basically: Gay (always new deep down), married young, kids, finally accepting what I am and ready to figure it out. The struggles and caring comments from so many have really helped me. I know now I'm not alone and can take this one step at a time. I'm thinking some counseling may be in order soon but would first like to read books about the situation. Any suggestions for books that help break things down? Thanks
Welcome to EC! I don't have any book recommendations for you myself, but I'm glad you're taking your first steps on this journey. Lex
Hi TravelerMe, Welcome to EC :welcome: Here are some books that have helped me after coming out. The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs is a great book to help you make sense of the shame that you may feel as a gay man, common coping strategies gay men employ, and how to live an authentic life. It was a real eye opener for me as it helped me understand some of the things I was doing while in denial/the closet. 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love by Joe Kort is another great book. The book helps you to understand yourself as a gay man and how this impacts your relationships. It also includes material about mixed-orientation marriages, which is immediately applicable to you. HTH
Welcome! The books SiennaFire mentioned are very good. I would also recommend counseling sessions sooner rather than later to help you sort things out.
SiennaFire thanks I will check them out. I've read so many of your posts I feel I know you lol. I've implemented much of your advice along with others and feel great about it. MOGUY I won't put off the therapy but thought I'd get reading asap. I took a big step and came out to one of my closest friends last week. Wow it was great! He was so supportive and he really wants to help me with my plan for the future. The moment wasn't as cathartic as I imagined it might be but we met for lunch a few days later; it was nice to sit there identifying as gay and talking to a dear friend. I've shared my story with other gay men I've met recently but to talk openly about things with a lifelong buddy was great! I know there are going to be some really tough times ahead; the biggest being telling my wife and kids some day. Dreading it but want to focus on rebuilding the foundation of my life and plan and do it right for all involved. Ugh, this won't be easy. http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/cd/bb/58/cdbb584f0ae9f5fd086a6b17122d3859.jpg
Sienna Fire I've read so many of your posts I feel I know you lol. I've implemented many of your ideas along with others here with great benefit to me. Thanks! MOGUY: I won't put off counseling but thought I'd get reading ASAP Last week I came out to one of my closest friends. He was great; he was so supportive and wants to help me with my plan for the future. It wasn't as cathartic as I thought it might be but it was great to sit there identifying as gay talking to a dear friend. I know many tough times lurk ahead like telling my wife and kids someday but figured I'd start repairing my shaky life's foundation before I move ahead. Ugh! tough times ahead not looking forward to them.
Hey, welcome. I second the recommendation for counseling. I'm also a huge proponent of being honest with your wife about your orientation - take it from someone who's been in her situation. And, depending where you are in Kentucky - there is an excellent, non-judgmental separation/divorce support group that meets on Sunday nights in Louisville. If you're interested in more information, for either of you, flag me down and let me know. There's also a straight spouse support person in the Louisville area who might be an excellent contact for your wife as well. Best of luck, it isn't an easy journey. My advice is always - forgive yourself first, and be gentle with yourself.
Hey TravelerMe, welcome to EC! I second SiennaFire's book recommendations, very informative and enlightening. I have been through what you are about to do, and I am available for any advice you may need, hopefully my experience and those of others here will help you through this adventure in honesty and self-discovery!
You're welcome. As for coming out to your wife and children, you definitely seem to have a realistic perspective heading into it. I believe that it's best to prepare as much as possible before coming out to them, so when you are ready to start that phase of the journey, we'll be here to share our experiences and support you. PS - Love the image and Voltaire's quote. Hopefully with preparation we can save the ship and prevent the need for lifeboats
Therapy or counselling is a very good idea provided the person is really well qualified and LGBT friendly, or specialized. Its worth doing some research before to make sure their appoach is the right one for you. I've done this and found a therapist who is perfectly suited in terms of experience and approach, but a bit expensive, which is actually good, as you go into the session with a 'let's get things done' kind of mindset. I came out to him in the first minute of the first session and within 50 min have managed to tell ALL of my life's relevant turning points that I could think of. It felt absolutely great, in one session he knew more about my life than anyone else. Progress is being fast, especially if you do the homework i.e. thinking in the right way and don't get caught up in 'negative spirals'. Its good to have someone impartial and who really understand your issues on your side.
Yeah, I've taken baby steps and done a lot of little things I've read on here. Gives me moments of happiness identifying as my real self in between the misery lol The tough part is coming back to the reality I'm currently stuck in. I have a pretty good life; things are tough but not tragic. I certainly can't get into a funk where I resent those closest around me; wife-kids. Figuring out how to modify life not create a new one. ---------- Post added 12th Feb 2016 at 05:15 AM ---------- I'm looking forward to counseling; I've looked briefly but need find a gay friendly professional. I couldn't agree more; I read someone on here mapped out their therapy session with clear goals and a plan. Sounds like what you did. I can wallow in my misery on my own time so I want to get on the road to progress asap.
