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Defeat

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TAXODIUM, Feb 10, 2016.

  1. TAXODIUM

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    At what point do you just admit defeat and accept that it will never be given to you to fully and completely self-actualise ? How do you learn to let go of lost love, to move beyond mourning what cannot be, to CHOOSE happiness, to be content with all the wonderful things in your life ? Are happiness and fulfillment even real and attainable or are they just fairytales ?
     
  2. Sonetto

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    I don't think that acceptance is equal to admitting "defeat". Acceptance is reaching the full understanding of the circumstances that caused you not to get what you had desired. By reaching that level of understanding, one can start expanding her/his field of view and seek happiness in new ways. I believe there are thousands of different roads to happiness, fulfillment and self-actualization. If one, two or ten roads are blocked, one can yet seek/build another one. I truly believe that.
     
  3. Lexington

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    Presumably when you stop considering it "defeat". I mean, I've fallen for somebody who didn't return the sentiment. And yeah, I cried and pounded the pillows and all that. But I never felt "defeated". I just thought it sucked, then started looking elsewhere.

    Lex
     
  4. SiennaFire

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    TAXODIUM,

    I'm guessing that something happened during your family trip. Can you share the story with us?

    Your questions can be interpreted in one of two ways. Are you writing a requiem for your straight life or your gay life?
     
  5. TAXODIUM

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    SIENNA : I honestly don't know what I'm writing anymore. Everything seems just to be a rambling stream of consciousness in my head that goes incessantly round and round and round. The family trip was amazing, honestly. Great and memorable times with my wife and kids. But the whole time I was thinking to myself what a fucking selfish and destructive IDIOT I would be to walk away from a traditional nuclear family life with these wonderful, beautiful human beings ?!? I'm trapped in this in-between place of feeling trapped in a life where I will never completely self-actualize but also feeling like what a douche I would be to destroy their sense of security and family.

    Frankly, I feel MORE suffocated *now* than I did before I came out to my wife (the kids still don't know and really have no need to unless I decide to leave). In my case, I don't feel at all like the truth has set me free. It's projected me into more turmoil because now *she* is having to carry it too.

    I'm also realising more and more what things I do and have done to self-sabotage. I have a pattern of putting myself either unconsciously or consciously in situations (social, professional and *financial*) that hold me in place instead of giving me real "liberty" to choose to move forward and when the path seems clear for me to jump, I balk and put myself back into something to hold myself in place. I would say that much of that has to do with my wife, who has always been "afraid" of change and happy with status quo, putting me in direct conflict with myself, because I want and need to move to make plans and move forward.

    So, in a nutshell, there are a few things happening at once : issues in the marriage that are *not* related to my orientation, issues in the marriage that *are* related to my orientation, and my orientation as a stand-alone, which in the end is likely the root for all the issues anyway.

    In my situation things seem to boil to this : I move forward for ME and fuck up everyone else's life *or* I just suck it up and continue to pretend for the sake of everybody else.

    I know, I know, I know. I'm stuck in a rut and everybody's already sick of my inertia. Believe me, I know. I fucking know. AAAARGH.
     
    #5 TAXODIUM, Feb 11, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2016
  6. JohnnyWisdom

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    Taxodium, for your well-being I suggest you continue to make the changes you started by coming out in the first place. There really is no going back - would your wife be content at this point?

    I'm facing some of these same feelings since I haven't really done anything different since I came out. I keep thinking, Well, I could just say I've decided to live a monogamous, hetero life and make the best of my wife and kids.

    But, then I think of all the potential happiness that is out there for all of us - wife, kids and me - and realize that this may be a tough hill to climb and there may be tears and heartache and abandoned hopes and dreams along the way, but at the end of it all we should each be happier because we're being true to ourselves - especially me, in a way that I've never been.

    I've been living a straight life for so long that I don't know how to do anything else, BUT if it's built on lies and deception, how great can it be, for me or for my wife and kids? It may hurt getting past this coming out and moving on stage, but in the end your wife will be happier and so will you because you'll both be seeking authenticity for yourselves and future relationships.

    My wife is so hurt and scared of what her life is becoming and how it will be without me as her partner for everything, but she also recognizes that despite the hurt it would be foolish to continue as before because now she knows I don't love her as fully as I should and she realizes that, as good as she thought things were, apparently they can be even better with someone who is truly straight and fully committed to the partnership.

    Pain and suffering are inevitable in life. Just suck it up and go through it because you can't go back, man. You took the hardest step, now keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk, walk into your new life of honesty, integrity and joy. It's there - go get it.
     
  7. OnTheHighway

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    I have a different take on your dilemma, particularly where you think your fucking up everyone else's life. Specifically, I do not believe you will be fucking it up, I do believe you will be causing changes, but much good can actually come out of those changes for your family. There is a silver lining.

    As I look at my experience, my ex wife has become a truly independent woman no longer relying on me, or anyone for that matter, for how she chooses to live her life. She is thriving with the independence. Does she miss me? Yup. Would she have preferred we stayed together (even with me being out), yup as well. But that would not have been fair to either one of us. We would have continued to both live a lie. As initially painful as it is, I believe in the long run it is best for both you and her.

    As for your kids - kids are resilient. They figure things out. They will be leading their own lives. Don't you want them to be authentic to themselves? What better example is there than for them to see their father being authentic with his own life. You can still be there for them, you can still have a relationship with them; it will just be an evolved relationship. Based on authenticity.

    If you believe you have self sabotaged, then knowing is half the battle, the other half is now to do something about it.
     
  8. Mr B

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    You already walked away from your nuclear family with your mind, Taxodium. I doubt if you are really present in the moment when you are with your wife and kids or if you just day dream all the time where you would rather be. Its useless to be there just with your body, but not with your mind and your heart. Your wife and kids do notice that and will feel insecure and unable to be truly happy.

    If you accept that your homossexuality was hard wired into your brain even before you were born and went down this path because of society's overwheaming heteronormativity, then you can release yourselve from the burden of shame and guilt that is consuming you. In the end of the day, it was just fate that brought you and you family where you stand now. The question is, what do you do now? How do you raise your kids, would you wish the same life for them that you had until now?

    To me the answer is clear: an unhappy and unfulfilled person cannot be a good parent and partner. If you truly seek what you want and need (and you should absolutely not feel any more guilt doing this that a fish that seeks the water), you will be happier and healthier. Then you can hope to spend some really good days a week with you kids where you are really there for them, with mind, body and heart. You will also be a better role model as someone who listens to and follows his heart, uncompromisingly, no matter what the others or society has told them. This is THE single most import trait of happy and successful people.

    Yes, you do have a responsability towards your wife, which is to help her financially and share the time with the kids. If you offer a fair deal, there is nothing to feel bad about.
     
  9. SiennaFire

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    I'm glad that you had a wonderful trip with the family and created special memories.

    Thank you for sharing your insights about self-sabotage. I definitely see what you mean about your habit of putting yourself in situations that hold you in place. That particular thought pattern appears to permeate your life. In fact I bolded some text above that illustrates this behavior pattern perfectly. You continue to frame the current situation in a way that holds the happiness of your family hostage for the ransom of your own happiness. You've defined a perfect no win scenario for yourself that holds you securely in the closet.

    Now do you think that your wife will be truly happy knowing that you cannot fully love her as a woman and that's she's holding you back from happiness? Is that fair of you to put her into that position to assuage your guilt? You are not holding the happiness of your family hostage, but rather you are holding the illusion of happiness for your family hostage, which is an idealized construct in your mind not based on reality.

    Now if you continue on your path towards self-actualization, you will separate from your wife. She will no longer feel that she's holding you back. She'll be able to find happiness with a man who can love her fully. Your children will get to know the real you instead of the faux straight father you pretend to be today. This path brings your family true happiness.

    How's this for a new way to look at your situation? You move forward for YOU and help your family find genuine happiness OR suck it up to assuage your guilt and fuck up everyone else's life.
     
    #9 SiennaFire, Feb 11, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2016
  10. Pete1970

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    Taxodium,

    I am pretty much in the same situation as you except she forced me to tell the kids even though we decided to stay together, probably so they would know that her turmoil was my fault. I too dont want to destroy everyone's life. was ok at first because I would occasionally go on hikes with a gay group and even made some friends that I would hang out with once in a while. But all that had to stop because she said it would be like her hanging out with just guys. I guess she thinks gay people are just looking for sex even though that never was even a possibility. So now basically I have no social life outside of the family and my only connection to gay people is here.

    Anyway, I don't want to hijack your thread, just wanted you to know you are not alone in your struggles.
     
  11. FalconBlueSky00

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    Taxodium,
    You are very stressed out, and beating yourself up a lot. Maybe you could try thinking about your situation from different angles. Say you imagine your kids all grown up, and find out that one of them is in the same situation that you are in now. How would you feel about their actions? Are there things that you have said to yourself that you would never say to them if they were where you are now? You are in so much pain, some of which is normal and healthy, but some is not like where you called your self a selfish destructive idiot. I've been watching for your post, because you seem like a really nice person who is going through hell. From what I've read, you are caring, loving, and a devoted father. You are a good person, and wanting to be true to yourself isn't wrong and isn't selfish, just really hard sometimes.