Hello everyone. I'm 30, married for almost 6 years and have 0 (sexual) interest in my husband. He's a great guy, very loving, understanding, and is actually encouraging me to explore this possibility. I have traumas in my past and never could figure out if sex (with a man) is something I could learn to enjoy, or if I just hate sex. But although I have kissed a dear friend a few times, I've never been intimate with a woman. And I'm confused and worried because I don't want to end my marriage over a question. But it also isn't going anywhere because I can't be intimate with him. I feel tremendous guilt that I can't reciprocate the feelings he has for me. I have no earthly idea if I can be intimate with a woman, or if I am just not going to have a sexual life. I don't know how to approach a woman. I don't know if it would be right or fair to try to figure it out with a woman. Of course I'd be upfront and honest with any potential partner... Help? Thoughts? Advice?
Hey Joy. You aren't alone. I know of a couple of other women that are in similar situations as you on this site and I myself know how hard it is when you are questioning your sexuality. It's nice that you have a supportive husband to help you through all this and I can understand why you wouldn't want to ruin your relationship. Ultimately, you'll have to figure out who you are, and I know you will with time. <3
So sorry to hear your confusion and I wish I had an easy answer. It's fantastic he's willing to work with you on this, and maybe let you explore your feelings? Just be warned that you may fall for someone and all the complications that follow. Is your marriage awesome 100% of the time? Is it only the sex that you crave? Did you have passion and rip off your husband's clothes in the beginning? All relationships will eventually get more comfortable so it is good to ask yourself these questions. Did you fall for a certain woman or just the thought of them is exciting? Nothing wrong with any answer you have, just things to think about. A good thread to read is this one: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/143948-has-never-happened-before.html Please feel free talk more here, we are here to help!
I am really happy that your husband is very supportive of this. But just curious, how do you fulfill his needs? I mean, of course he needs sexual validation and intimacy as well, and you're saying you're not giving it to him. So where is he getting it?
I've been in your situation. In a way I still am. All my life in all relationships I always reached the point where I didn't want sex with my partners anymore. It was like living with a sibling - I continued to love them, but in a purely platonic way. I still don't know whether it's orientation thing (all my longterm partners so far had been men). In my opinion if you don't enjoy sex with men in general, there is no way you can learn to enjoy it. You either do or you don't. For me it has always been ok - I mean I can reach orgasm and enjoy it, but it's nothing in comparison to sex with a woman. I had no idea it's even possible to feel this way. However to learn that I had to actually sleep with a woman and not just once, and behind my husband's back. Techically that makes me a cheater. It's up to you whether you wish to go down this road. In my case I am happy I did it, although it has been really hard, at least now I know where I stand. Now I just need to learn to live with it So I guess my advice would be not to hide from your thoughts and feelings. They are real and you will have to deal with them sooner or later, so better start now.
To answer the questions: 1- He takes care of himself as well as he can. I've told him that I won't hold him to celibacy and hope he does find a woman/person that completes his needs. That I'm willing to meet and reassure anyone he wants a relationship with that it is ok. 2- No real passion. I did what I thought a wife is supposed to do. I flinch when he gets amorous, and more guilt. He's loving, and wonderful- he isn't fulfilled unless it is pleasing his partner. I know I need to figure this out. He has encouraged me to try being intimate with a woman. I'm just terrified of change, of finding out that I sex could be nice, and the hurt that can come to all parties. Thank you for your support. And the other thread. I caught myself flirting with a woman a few days ago. Was so flustered I had trouble walking back to my car.
Yeah change can be scary, but it's just because it is unknown to us. It doesn't have to be. I know you don't want to hurt anyone, but by not knowing all you're doing is hurting yourself. From what you've said, your husband will understand.
My situation is somewhat similar to yours at the moment. I'm married to a wonderful man, but i think i might be a lesbian. Definitely bi sexual, but lately i have been only interested in women and i'm remembering all those little things in my past that were definite signs i ignored. But enough of that, i have my own thread also. But to your problem.. I think it is relatively easy to figure out if you are asexual or just not interested in your husband or men in general. You should probably start by thinking do you find men or women attractive. You said that you have zero interest in your husband, but what about other men? Have you ever have any celebrity crushes? Can you imagine sex with women and feel excited? Traumatic experiences can kill all sexual desires i assume, so if you think it can be just that, then you might want to seek therapy. You also wrote that you have kissed your friend. Did that feel any different than kissing your husband? I have never kissed a woman in my life but i have a strong feeling that i would like that very much. You have a wonderful opportunity, if your husband lets you to experiment with women. I know it is so scary to make changes, but in the end, do you want to live the rest of your life with ifs and buts? So take a deep breath and try to separate all the anxiety and fear out of the picture and think only what kind of a future you would like to have. If you could imagine any kind of a future to yourself, would you still be with your husband? What kind of a situation would be the happiest if it could be anything? That might give you some insight. And it doesn't even have to be the kind that you could actually achieve, only purpose is to find out what you want if you could have anything.
Thank you for being honest and open about a difficult and sensitive topic...I am also a bisexual woman married to a heterosexual man who is very supportive of my sexuality...It shows some very forward thinking that you have a marriage where you both are willing to support one another's sexual needs that require you to go outside your relationship...you're definitely not alone in the questions that arise as a result of trauma...from a psychological perspective it is completely normal and expected to ask questions...since it sounds like you are still questioning your sexuality and your husband is supportive of you seeking sexual gratification outside the marriage--it seems it would helpful to pay attention to your feelings as you engage in sex with another woman...this might provide you with a better understanding of where you are emotionally, mentally and physically...
Hi Joy, You're not alone here. Much of what you talk about resonates with me. I hope you find this a comfortable forum to explore your feelings. I understand your sense of doubt on both sides, not knowing if you can give or get what you need from your husband but also not knowing if you would find that missing piece with a woman. This is something ive struggled greatly with myself. I'm so sorry about the struggles youve had with trauma in your past. Keep posting here, it's a great place and a wonderful group of people.
Same situation here as well... I am married to a man (9 years) and accidentally fell in love with a coworker, who is a woman. I haven't had any sexual relations with my husband in five years! I know this sounds awful, but I'm so confused and just need advice!
