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I slpt with a woman AND told my husband about it

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Gillian, Feb 13, 2016.

  1. Gillian

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    I knew it wouldn't go down well.

    I knew it and yet somehow I had fooled myself into thinking that if I just sat him down and explained to him that having sex with a woman had made me realize these things about myself - that I am indeed gay and have not the slightest want to have sex with a man ever again - that somehow he would understand. It is not like it came as a surprise, it has been months and months of me telling him I am not the same person he married. I don't want to be.

    But ofcourse he didn't understand. Far from it.

    I have never been called such names in my life, my whole existence hasn't been wiped off in a such a manner ever before. I am a selfish whore who just does whatever the fuck she wants for no regard to others. I have broke him in unimaginable ways just because I am a freak with a weird obsession of gender. How can I have stolen years of his life without giving anything back. I am fucked in my head for thinking this way.

    And these are just the things I bare to write here. Trust me when I say there was more.

    He didn't physically threaten or touch me but I was afraid of it. Eventually I left.

    And I have this sick feeling in my stomach that it is still not over. We have shared business things which means we have to talk with each other sooner or later. And I know, I just KNOW he is not done, and I also know that most of the things he says I believe. If not now, later.

    I know I might go back to the closet and with him.

    Even I make myself sick.
     
  2. Justasking100

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    He is angry and needs time to get his head around things. Don't underestimate his ability to process things but he'll need time. There's nothing you can do for him until he processes his anger in an appropriate way.
     
  3. hapa

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    You cheated on your husband and you're wondering why he's angry and upset?
     
  4. SiennaFire

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    Hi Gillian,

    I'm sorry that you husband said these horrible things to you (*hug*) If it's any comfort to you, you are not alone. I've been called faggot and selfish so many times I've lost count. Instead of letting these words hurt and break me, I reclaimed them so they don't scare me. I no longer let them hurt me.

    As married queer folk, coming out to one's spouse is probably one of the hardest things we have to do in our lives. The initial steps of coming out to our spouse are fraught with peril as we prepare for the initial difficult conversation and then deal with our partner's reaction. You are strong and brave for opening the dialog with your husband.

    You've had many years to come to terms with your sexuality, and you just dropped a bomb on your husband. He needs time to process and come to terms with this. Your relationship is now in a crisis, and he'll be going through a grieving process as he works through this. Here are some things to keep in mind.

    Legal - Given that you feel there's the potential for physical violence, it may be prudent to seek counsel of a divorce attorney. Even more so if you have children.

    Communication - Keep the lines of communication open and continue to have the difficult conversations with your husband.

    Therapist - You may want to try to find an individual and couples therapist with LGBT experience. You would benefit from a therapist to help you process and understand your feelings. The couples therapist would be beneficial in working through issues. Hopefully your husband has a therapist or trusted friend he can talk with to help him process his feelings.

    Grieving process - Your husband needs time to process the news. He will most likely go through the grieving process - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance stages.

    Coming out plan - You may want to have a conversation with your husband about who to tell and when so that you have a controlled coming out plan.

    While a normal reaction at this point is to run back into the closet, would that really serve your happiness? From what you've written, you know and accept that you are gay. You can find true, authentic happiness as a gay woman if you are willing to persevere.

    HTH
     
    #4 SiennaFire, Feb 13, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2016
  5. FalconBlueSky00

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    I'm sure he feels betrayed, which is ok. But the name calling cannot continue. We all say things that are mean I the middle of a heated fight, but there is a line. You do not deserve to be belittled verbally for being honest with your husband with your feelings. You made some mistakes, but that is human. We all make mistakes. If he won't stop being saying awful things to you, please do not believe them. That's an expression of his pain, it doesn't mean that it's the truth about you.
     
  6. GayPugs

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    He doesn't deserve you. You aren't selfish for wanting to be happy! He wants to be happy, too, and does that make him selfish? No. But, maybe he can find happiness with you as friends. Not in romance. It sounds like he was mad and he might cool down but at the moment he doesn't deserve you. The fact that you are considering going back into the closet just for him shows you are a good person. Hopefully things will get better. I can just say, I don't suggest going back into the closet.
     
  7. Gillian

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    Thank you all for your replies, and I see now I should have probably explained the back story a bit more - my husband knows for almost a year now that I am not straight and we have separated partly because of this partly because other issues. In other words we both knew very well this was coming.

    So yes, ofcourse if I had just dropped the bomb on him that hey I slept with someone else, I wouldn't be so in pieces over his reaction. But that is not the case here at all.

    I'm sorry, I'm just so tired of always being the source of all evil when all I ever wanted to do is right for people. I just keep fucking up and hurting him because of my own selfishness.

    I know going back to the closet isn't necessarily the best thing but at least then I would only have to deal with my own issues. Now I have to do that and on top of them his pain.

    I'm not looking for a pity party either. I guess I just needed to write things down.
     
  8. PlaidGlove

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    OK, so you cheated on your husband. Seen in exclusion, that involves deception and betrayal. It is easy to understand his reaction to that.

    That said, beating yourself up over it is not going to help you, him, your relationship, or your future—whether that future involves him or not. Nor will going back into the closet, I'm afraid.

    Those of us who have read your previous posts know that there is more to this than the easy black-and-white mode of judging one single action in isolation allows. You had discovered that your sexuality was not how you wished it to be, incongruent with how you were living your life, and that is no small matter. However, if I remember correctly, he was dismissive and cruel to you when you disclosed this information to him. You were in a very vulnerable state, and he rejected you, likely—I assume—out of fear of losing you, which was counterproductive to his fear.

    Now, I would like to encourage you to try and focus on two questions separately:

    First, do you really want to stay with this man, regardless of your sexuality, considering how he treats you aside from issues of your sexuality? What does he give you that is good for you and your well being? What does he provide that you need and appreciate?

    Second, do you really want to sacrifice your sexuality and your inherent right to live an authentic life?

    I won't make light of your situation by telling you that finding answers to these questions is an easy process, but I think it might be helpful to approach them separately.
     
  9. Mr B

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    From what you just said, going back to the closet doesn't seem like a good idea IMHO. It sounds almost like you feel you owe him something. I suppose he also had a good time with you while you've been together? You have nothing to pay back to him, people develop, people move on, that's life, he should get over it. What about the broken 'vows'? The whole concept of making a lifetime commitment to someone while you are 20 something years old is a joke to begin with. This is based on archaic patriachal institutions designed to enslave people for life by wilfully exploiting their naïvety at a young age. Life, like everything in the universe, is constantly changing, now you are moving on to a different stage. You deserve to be treated with respect no matter what you decide. If you have kids or biz together, that can be dealt with in a civilized manner without the need for you to going back to him, he has no right to blackmail you here. HE has to get over it, respect you and deal with the practicalities like an adult. These are your basic rights.
     
  10. Distant Echo

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    Ok. Please don't go back into the closet. You are entitled to be yourself. He will not allow that. He doesn't own you, your mind and your body are yours, and yours alone.
     
  11. SiennaFire

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    Hi Gillian,

    Thanks for providing the additional background about your situation.

    While it is natural to feel that you are being selfish after your husband's inappropriate tirade, please don't apologize for trying to do right by people. You are doing what you need to do in order to help your husband move forward while finding happiness in your own life. This makes you a compassionate human being. These sorts of conversations are never very crisp or tidy, and it's quite natural for them to leave us feeling uncertain, guilty, selfish, or a host of other negative emotions.

    I'll reiterate what I posted earlier - Going back into the closet will not make you happy, especially after coming so far. You know and accept that you are gay, and you will find true, authentic happiness as a gay woman if you are willing to persevere. It will definitely get better.

    PS - Given that the you are out and separated from your husband, it's neither fair nor constructive to frame this in the context of cheating, so please don't take on that extra dimension of guilt in your thought process.
     
  12. Shadowsylke

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    I agree with SiennaFire. If your husband already knows about your orientation AND you are separated from him, there is no cheating here...so don't even go down that road.

    It sounds like you are doing what you need to move on and have a fulfilled life, and he doesn't want to. It is his perogative to stay stuck and resentful if he wants to, but it should not pull you down too. I agree with others here that trying to stuff the genie back into the closet at this point could be disastrous for you.
     
  13. yeehaw

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    Please seriously consider the possibility that staying with him may ultimately mean you are mostly dealing with his pain/anger/punishment and mostly *not* dealing with your stuff because you are drowning in his stuff as you try to live with him and try to partner with him.

    I REALLY don't think that living with him will mean you get to only deal with your stuff. You have repeatedly made references to him blaming you for many things, including his emotional state. He now has a lot more ammunition to keep up that (wildly unhealthy and inappropriate) practice. And he probably feels more justified/motivated than ever to blame you, shame you and punish you. Which, for the record, really wouldn't be good for EITHER OF YOU.

    Earlier today, before I read your post, I was thinking about some of the worst things my ex husband did to me after I told him I was gay and wanted a divorce, but before I moved out. It got pretty bad. I truly wish he hadn't done the things he did, but one weird gift that (eventually) came of it (after I had been out for quite a while) was that those memories eventually gave me a sense of peace about never ever going back. When I would sometimes get sucked back into his brain space/influence (even after I had been out for a while), I could revisit those ugly memories and way down deep in my heart I knew it was ok to stay away from him. Maybe someday in the future you can use your memories of the terrible things he's saying/doing now in the same way.

    Big hugs to you lady. You have already shown massive amount of courage by acknowledging your sexuality to yourself, exploring it, and being honest with your husband about where you are and what you are doing. You have done these things even though you know you cannot trust your husband to refrain from cruelty in response. I'm quite certain you have it in you to land somewhere much better than where you are now (even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment).
     
    #13 yeehaw, Feb 13, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2016
  14. YeahpIdk

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    I'm sorry he reacted so badly. He's really abusive, taking into account all of the things you've written about his actions in the past. It's out of fear and anger -- hopefully he can fix that about himself someday so he can be happy in his own skin.

    I honestly can't imagine how you would "go back" to this situation with him. Go back to what? Everything has been cracked open, and the light of truth is pouring in. You can see it clearly, but he chooses to look away from it, with anger and screaming that he cannot and will not even look. For having the notion about this for so long, his is very childish behavior, and I would hope he seeks therapy for himself to work out whatever issues he has.

    You say that you might go back. I think you know you're way beyond it, don't want it, like it, or deserve a life that is so against your authentic self.

    All I can think to say is:

    • You've got one life. Literally.

    • You deserve happiness, and should stop at absolutely nothing to get it.

    • You deserve authenticity.

    • Suppressing yourself and staying miserable will most likely make you sick. Medically.

    • No one owns your life but you.

    • Whatever decision you make, it's yours. Choose to live your life. I mean, actually live within it. Or, choose to be in a situation that isn't good for you. Whatever path you take, it's your choice and no one else's.

    • You're the only one who has control over your own life. No one else deserves the right to that power.

    • Your life is meant to be lived for you, and the select few that you choose.

    • Don't let people worry you with empty threats. Those who can't respect what's best for you do not have your best interests at heart. They're selfish and toxic and don't truly care about you - just themselves.

    • Toxic people are toxic waste.

    • Run.

    • Get a lawyer and get divorced. Split your shit up, and MOVE. ON.

    I hope you make the best choice so that you can have your best life. Good luck.
     
  15. Gillian

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    The amount of support and kind words the people on this forum are ready to provide to a complete stranger overwhelms me time and time again. Truly thank you all for giving me your time and thoughts.

    I am going to take you words and think about them. I know on a logical level that I am not doing anything wrong in itself by being gay. I know I could have dealt with certain things better in regard to my husband, I am no saint in this situation, but it is really hard for me to deal with the fact that my orientation, my choices, are causing him pain.

    I haven't painted very great a picture of him but he is not a bad person at all. And I do love him but I know I cannot be what he needs.

    I just have to find a way to convince myself that I have the right to be myself and that the way he deals with things is not my responsibility. Easier said than done but I am going to try.

    Thank you all.
     
  16. MayButterfly

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    Gillian, it's a tough spot to be in. I think women just naturally are more empathetic and feel that we need to make everyone else happy. We feel guilt that we can't always do that, though we know it is impossible to do. We forget about ourselves. My husband is not a bad man either, and it hurts me that I am hurting him. He has told me God will forgive me for my sin, that it's impossible I might be gay since we have children and I "enjoyed" sex with him, that I will put the kids out on the street if I leave, that I will devastate them, and then in the next breath he tells me he is willing to let me go but prefers I wait until after our son's birthday in a couple months so it's not such a financial hardship for us. Writing that last especially I realize how controlling he is and how he is not thinking of me at all. I am miserable but he is worried about things. It says a lot. I am trying to wait until our next therapy appointment to say I can't coexist for months, and trying to just get through each day being kind to myself but sometimes it is hard.

    I'm not sure if I can say, but there are quite a lot of quotes "out there" about change and life. I found one that said something like don't be afraid to make decisions about your life that other people don't like. If they expect you to live miserably in their life they don't love you enough to deserve to be in yours.

    And another summary, it's not selfish to take care of yourself and make yourself happy, it's necessary.

    Hugs. One day at a time. One hour or minute even. It will be better one day.
     
  17. Gillian

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    Thank you MayButterfly. Right now it's hour at a time. It really makes me wish I had never came out of the closet, I can't see any more how this could ever get better.
     
  18. Really

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    I'm not sure if this short video will help. It's called A Self Compassion Exercise. It might make you think about a few things differently.
     
  19. yeehaw

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    Aww. I'm so sorry to hear it's one hour at a time for you. I've certainly been there. Is therapy an option for you?

    Also, if you Google Samaratin help line you should be able to find a free number to call if you live in western Europe, not sure about eastern Europe. It's totally anonymous and confidential. Not religious at all. No one will send help regardless of what you say. It's run by trained volunteers--not licenced mental health providers, so, some are better than others. No one will offer advice, they'll give you lots of space to talk and their job is to *really* listen. I think it's technically a suicide prevention thing, but they are clear that you don't have to be suicidal to call. They have been helpful to me when I've been totally overwhelmed and living life one hour at a time. I'm kind of wondering if that's ok to reference here? Probably someone will let me know if it isn't?
     
    #19 yeehaw, Feb 15, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2016
  20. FalconBlueSky00

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    Sending (&&&), and support. Hope there is a good day for you soon. Take yourself out, and do something nice just for you. You deserve some kindness.