I'm new here. I'd like to tell my story and see if anybody has any thoughts. I'm 48 and definitely Bisexual. 100% sure, I like men and women. In my teens I had started questioning, during college I was reading about sexual orientation trying to figure out who I was. By late 20's, I was pretty sure. I had a LTR girlfriend actually tell me "You are bisexual" before I could come out to her. I wondered if anything would change over time, but if anything, it's become pretty set in stone. So I'm bi, it's me, its real, I like it. I'm married, have kids, have a good career in a very specific technical scientific area (that's so narrow in scope I shouldn't mention it until I'm fully out). I told my wife early on when we started dating that I was bi. She's always been okay with that as long as I'm monogamous. I've always been monogamous, even when I was dating. I was always hesitant to start new relationships and preferred one at a time only. Combine that with a geeky science guy, and you have dependable monogamy. My wife and I sometimes engage in some bedroom roleplay that involves my bi identity. I'll spare you the details. :icon_wink She and I are both liberal, democratic-socialist types, so she hasn't had any problem supporting LGBT causes, but I think she'd prefer I kept my bi identity confined to our bedroom, because of fears of backlash from friends and family. She is Straight. I'm not looking for a male relationship. I've come close before, had one alcohol-assisted encounter back when I was single and not dating anyone that didn't get to sex (but was fun and I liked and still remember). So that's not an issue. I'm pretty happy where I'm at. What I'm missing is the honesty of being "out." I feel like I'm not fully free. It sucks that our society is set up this way. I feel that if I came out, it would be fulfilling for me and the right thing to do overall. But it's not an urgent need, there is no pending opportunity or event. It's more a longing to be true to myself. There are challenges to me possibly coming out, as I'm sure most of you know, probably better than me. My workplace has solid protections against LGBT discrimination, but that doesn't mean there wouldn't be a backlash. As far as family, it would be hard. But I have the advantage of having a really strong lesbian cousin about the same age as me who came out 10 years ago and is now happily married to a great woman. She broke a lot of ground for sure. I saw how it split our family, though, so it would be difficult for me to go through. Time has healed almost all in her case - it's amazing how family members who were initially strongly opposed to her coming out have come around and accepted and even loved her wife. I have to say that I feel almost a little guilt posting this here, for the fact that so many of the other stories I've been reading are more serious. I feel guilty that I have the luxury of waiting if I want. It's been a long post. I feel good that I've gotten that out, thanks for reading.
Hi Adray, Thanks for sharing your story. It's definitely very liberating to be out to others and escape the gravitational pull of the closet, so coming out is a worthwhile endeavor. It sounds like you face some potential challenges coming out to your family, so you'll want to carefully plan and think through all of this before coming out to them. As you navigate these waters, it's important to reassure your wife that you love her and intend to remain monogamous with her, especially since she appears to be tentative about your coming out. Welcome (&&&)
Thanks for the Welcome, SiennaFire. Good advice. Yes, I definitely love my wife and want to be with only her. One of the things I'm struggling with is trying to be true to myself without unnecessarily hurting loved ones. I expect a lot of people will wonder, "if he's not out to cheat, why do this at all?" It's important, the closet is slowly closing in on me. Thanks again!
Certainly this is a reasonable question that you will need to be prepared to address. While somewhat counterintuitive, my guess is that for you coming out would decrease your odds of cheating (to some value << epsilon). Clearly it will be challenging for you to try and explain this to straight people who haven't had to swim against the heteronormative lifestyle. I think I know the answer, so I won't lead the witness ; however, I will ask the question for completeness. Since you identify as bisexual, are you curious and do you have any desire to explore your gay side?
"My exploring days were long ago. I'm happily married now. I'm just wanting to be honest with you about who I am." That would be my first thought. Very good question, thank you, you're pushing me and I need that. Is there a better way to say it than that? I don't know if that would satisfy curiosities. Any other questions to be ready for? Thanks again, you rock, btw. :eusa_clap
Apologies if I wasn't clear. This question is directed to you as a poster on EC, rather than as preparation for creating answers for coming out (there will be time for that). Based on what you posted earlier, I'm assuming that you've had 1 experience with a guy, and I'm wondering if you have any desire to explore beyond that? Just to be terribly clear, sex in this context can mean (a) genital stimulation (HJ, BJ, or anal) or (b) anal sex. I generally assume the former on EC, so I'm assuming that you mean that you made out with this guy but stopped short of orgasm on the 1 occasion. Are you familiar with the Kinsey scale? Do you have any sense of where you fall? Here's the thing that I'm still trying to get a handle on. For somebody who is bisexual and had 1 experience with a guy before marriage, I would expect more curiosity/desire to explore with guys. Please be honest about your feelings, no one here is going to judge you either way nor will they confuse curiosity for intent to act.
Yeah, I misunderstood the question. And (a) was the answer. Yes, Ive read of the Kinsey scale. I'm somewhere near the middle, don't remember the number. If I was ever single again, yeah I'd be interested in guys. I don't have a drive to have to try it now. TBH, since this is an adult forum (I hope it's ok to be graphic), I get a lot of mileage out of my wife's harness and toys. Good mind sex can be great. But no, I'm monogamous. Perhaps not an intuitive pairing with bisexuality. This isn't easy, is it?
Thanks for sharing. This makes perfect sense now. There are definitely guys who identify as bisexual and can be monogamous, and you are one of them. I surmised that you are somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale, definitely not in the predominantly gay range (Kinsey 4 -5). If you were Kinsey 4 or 5, it would be more challenging for you to be monogamous since you would have a much stronger gay component to your bisexuality that has not been fully expressed. Certainly your wife's harness and toys help keep this in check as well I also suspected that you would be interested in guys if you were ever single again. Since you value monogamy, you have no interest in exploring this side of your sexuality until you are single, even though it is part of you. I also believe that by coming out you are releasing the energy required to keep your secret, which will make it easier for you to be monogamous. HTH
Hello, and welcome! I'm in a long term monogamous relationship as well. Totally get the desire to be true to yourself, with an added longing for a community who understands me. Its nice to meet you.
I looked it up again. I'm guessing I'm a 2.5 on the Kinsey Scale. Just a guess, is there some kind of test you can do to try to pinpoint that? Yes, very much so. A good hour with her strap-on completely fulfills that need for a while (she enjoys it too, thank god). And by scratching the itch, she knows I'm a happy guy. It's really a wonderful invention.:icon_wink If we go long enough without doing that, she'll start suggesting it again. Thanks again for helping, you've given me some things to think about and work on. It's appreciated, as are any other thoughts. ---------- Post added 14th Feb 2016 at 02:57 AM ---------- Thank you so much, that makes me feel good to meet someone in a similar situation. It's great to meet you, too! ---------- Post added 14th Feb 2016 at 03:15 AM ---------- I found an online Kinsey test. It scored me a 3. It seems like a pretty imprecise test. But I suppose it's good for discussion purposes. ---------- Post added 14th Feb 2016 at 03:16 AM ---------- Sorry about jumbling up the posts, I don't know why the program is doing that.
Don't get me started on the Kinsey tests There is no official Kinsey test according to the Kinsey Institute, the research institute at Indiana University where Dr. Kinsey did his work. The online tests I've seen referenced on EC are not based on clinical research and are for entertainment purposes only. Anecdotally, many folks report that these tests score 1 point lower than how they self-identify, that is, people who identify as Kinsey 5 often score 4 on the online test. See this post for that test - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/2890372-post22.html The following test anecdotally scores closer to the truth, so it's a good one to start with until you get to a place where you can self-rate using the definitions. http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/lets-talk-about-sex#.ribnB2L86 Enjoy!
Thanks for that Buzzfeed link. I took it, and scored exactly midpoint: You got: Equal parts homosexual and heterosexual. At times, you’ve found yourself drawn to different types of people: gay, straight, male, female, and whatever else. Your sexuality is about as fluid as it gets, and it’ll probably remain so as long as you’re having sexual impulses. For what it's worth, this is pretty much exactly as I've felt for years. As imprecise as the test may be, I do have to say it's comforting to score out where I'd expected. It took a long process for me to recognize my sexuality internally, and even though that was 20 years ago, I guess I'm glad to not be contradicted, if that makes any sense. I'm definitely Bi. Defintely monogamous. Now I need to think about to what extent and how I want to come out. Just from a practical perspective, for the purposes of the Empty Closets site, should I keep it here in LBGT Later in Life, or switch over to the Coming Out Support subforum?
Most later in lifers post their coming out stories here. FWIW - I thought that you would be in the 2-3 range if that provides an additional level of confirmation.
