So, I joined this forum a while back, but I think I am finally ready to tell my story. Sorry this is gonna be a little long… I’m currently married to a man – my best friend, actually. We’ve been together for 10 years since high school. The first few years were awesome. We connected so well and I didn’t mind that something just felt… off. I think I first realized that I could be gay about 2-3 years into our relationship. I brushed it off. This was mostly because of my super religious family. I was never 'allowed' to consider myself anything but straight. So, I went into denial. We got pregnant shortly after getting married, totally not planned. It was all normal until about 19 weeks, when they noticed that our son’s growth had slowed. By 25 weeks, I was admitted to hospital bed rest and a few days after, I had him via C-section. Our son only lived for two weeks. The longest and shortest two weeks of my life. He caught an infection shortly before he died, which I think maybe made him septic? His organs began to fail. So, we decided to take him off the vent and let him go. The entire thing from the pregnancy, the stay in the NICU, and the loss itself really tore me up. I fell into a deep depression shortly after. We got pregnant again about a year after... our son is gonna be 3 soon. So, it was probably about 2 years ago that I realized something was off about me again. I thought maybe it was the stress of having a kid, full time job. It started when I realized that I fell out of love with my husband. This was something that had actually been discovered in therapy. I grew unhappy, because I started to feel something was missing and I couldn’t figure out what it was. Slowly, little pieces began to pop out at me. Little things that now in retrospect should have been huge arrow signs to the word ‘gay’. I think it hit me finally last summer. I think I finally let it sink in that I am gay. Part of me is still in denial about it. Another part of me is trying to convince myself that I am actually asexual since I don’t think I could ever sleep with another woman. Which has to do with my Catholic upbringing. I know for sure that I am not attracted to men that way. This was something I finally accepted. So, I spent a year contemplating all this. I grew depressed again, angry, and so totally confused. I broke down finally this past June, asked my husband for a divorce, and finally came out to him in October. We’ve been separated since, sort of. For the moment, we plan to live together, with no immediate plans on what to do. He is generally supportive, although, I think he’s still in denial that our marriage is ending. I’ve come out to a few people since, each time seems to cement the fact that I won’t be able to stuff it all back into the box and back into the closet. Saying the words turned the thoughts into something tangible. Something that I am going to have to deal with. Which I am finally ready to, I think, despite feeling so emotionally worn out from what’s happened to me. So that was a quick synopsis of how I got here. Thanks for listening.
Hi MelShill, Thanks for sharing your story. Like many of us in the LGBT Later in Life section, messages from early life made it difficult for you to accept and embrace the possibility that you were anything but straight. Each of us have our own timeline for coming to terms with our sexuality, as we untangle and unwind these messages and get to a place where we are comfortable enough with ourselves to start our journey towards living authenticity as gay men and women. Welcome (&&&)
Just offering support and hugs... for me children were not involved but divorce was. I doubt it's ever easy and especially those who experienced repression when younger about their sexuality. This is a wonderful place... keep posting. So much love and support here. (&&&)
Hi MelShill, Not sure why I am writing, but I wanted to offer support. I said "not sure…" because I am more confused, more uncertain than most on here, but I empathize with you in that, it is a challenge. I am however, impressed and admire your determination to understand yourself. It has taken me MANY MANY years to get to this point…to even visit and write on this forum. I am divorced with fully grown kids…so I have none of the challenges you have. When I was in that position, I was completely in denial. Speaking of, I am STILL not sure if I am straight or bi or denial. LOL…funny how I typed THOSE as choices. My whole point for you…as much as you're struggling, you might be further along than most so pat yourself on the back…reach out to friendly people on here…express yourself, feel "held" by the many supporters.
Welcome to EC, MelShill. I hope that sharing your story was cathartic for you. I'm married right now, am scared about what could happen, and it's helpful to read about others' experiences. Thank you for sharing.
