It's me again. Just a quick update - a few days ago we whatched Carol together and afterwards we discussed the movie so I tried to test the waters subtly to see where he stands regarding this subject. I said that it must be really hard for lesbian woman to be married to a man and have this choice to make - stay in family and feel trapped all the time or leave and face the ugly truth - you can't keep everything and most likely loose something very important to you.. What he answered shocked me. He said that in his opinion if a woman is questioning her sexuality and finds herself attracted to females, it is completely ok and no reason to break up a family. He is not considering it cheating at all. Somehow he made it sound like if we little silly women need to sleep with each other, we can do it, it's like guys go to bar and get drunk..So I don't know if it makes any sense to come out to him now, if he anyway thinks it's nothing, just something cute and silly we women do..
Well it's not really cheating if it's just us girl giving each other orgasms and whatnot. It's super hot in porn, too! Can he watch?? **eye roll**
It's one thing to see it in a movie ad dismiss it, it's another entirely to face it in his own life. If you need to come out to him, do so. It's not about him, it's about you.
I know it's about me, but all this time I was looking for right time and right words to tell him what is going on inside my head. But now I am not sure he needs to know it, partly because I suspect his reaction is based in fear. I doubt he is ready to hear that his wife and mother of his children is complete stranger to him.
I haven't followed your posts or anything (I'm new here) so I'm not sure if there's more that you have talked about on here. When you say that you are a complete stranger to him, I don't think that is so. Sexuality is just one part of who we are. Hopefully that would be recognizable to you both when the conversation happens. I believe it needs to happen also based on the "complete stranger" statement. It would be unfair to everyone involved and become a poison to everyone. I do however understand the feeling of being a stranger to my spouse and myself even. She is helping me to see basically what I am telling you. There are so many parts to a person and suppressing even one of those parts will drag the rest down until the person is not that person. its unbelievably difficult to change this andbchange paths. I'm not sure if you want to keep the marriage together or not (you might not be sure at this point either). If your husband truly cares about you he will be will in to help you through this. Probably not at first, as it's quite the bomb to drop and takes time to process. It is something people are never really ready to do, you just have to decided when the time is right for yourself. This is somewhat easy for me to say as my wife has known for quite sometime and is very supportive. She is, however, extremely adamant about not getting divorced. I am still so confused about what I want that I can't say if that's what needs to happen for us or not. I am sticking in there and doing what we think is best to keep us together until I decided. It's not something I really want to think about at this point as I am barely accepting of myself. Anyways, it's tough and you need to do what is right for you and when it's right for you. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst I suppose. Just know that you are not alone whatever you decide and support is always here.
Of course it's not cheating or sex, there is no live penis involved! *eyeroll* That's all fine and dandy until you meet a gal you fall in love with. When you want to spend more time with her, than him, when you long for her arms when you lie in bed next to him or you cry yourself to sleep when you realize you want a life with her instead of him. Been there and done that, you should still come out to him and decided from there what to do.
There is definitely a difference between a man who wants to let you play with women in hopes that he will get a threesome or voyeur experience out of it, and a man who genuinely wants you to explore other relationships in order to fulfill yourself, without it needing to involve him. Find out which kind you have. And if it's the latter, do think about whether you'd be happy having multiple relationships or not - that's a whole entire other can of worms.
Thank you for sharing. In many ways our situations are very similar. I just don't have the courare to come out to him yet. I am not sure if I want him to live with this burden..I am also afraid he might take the kids from me. I would not survive that.. ---------- Post added 15th Feb 2016 at 12:19 PM ---------- I know so well what you are talking about. I'm afraid it's already happening to me. What stops me is the fact I would brake my kids world if I leave. They love our mornings and evenings together, they always want us both to play with them and they are so happy when we do. It's not just about me anymore. But sometimes I do wish to be in someone else's arms..
Kids are strong.believe me, they are strong. Why do you think he would take the kids? That is a threat that is often made during a breakup, nd then reality hits where they realise they wouldn't be able to look after them
I couldn't agree more about children being strong. I would disagree on the statement that any burden would be placed on your husband. If there is any, it would be far less than the burden you carry now. Is there any reason to believe he has enough grounds to take sole custody of the children from you, assuming he would want to do that? If you argue that you should stay with your husband for the children I would tell you that I know from personal experience holding this stuff in can result in emotions erupting at inopportune times and creating a generally uncomfortable or hostile environment. While this may not seem possible for you at this time, it is something that needs to be watched for. Then there is the fact that you would probably become a much happier and better person, therefore mother for your children, if you allow yourself to embrace you. Again this is all a process that I am going through still myself, one only started because I had become unstable and suicidal. I constantly have to remind myself to keep track of what is factual, what I am assuming, what I expect, and so on. Keep in mind that in the end, everyone could end up better off and your children could end up with an even larger family with that much more love.
I understand. I stayed a lot longer than I should have, before filing for divorce. I had fallen for my now wife at the time. My kids were 6, 9 and 13 at the time. They are now 16, 19 and 24 and are very happy well adjusted kids. It's SO hard to make that decision, but ask yourself, do you want your kids to learn that a relationship should be filled with unhappiness? Because even if you don't say anything directly, they will figure it out. Better they see Daddy part time and realize what true love is and being true to yourself is. They will adapt. First though, may I recommend you give yourself the gift of therapy for a bit. It will help you sort things out and help you put things in perspective. It's one of the best thing I ever did for myself.
I know kids are strong. I just promised myself my kids will have strong family unlike me..I grew up with my mom, never knew my dad..I don't want the same for my kids. He has never said he would take the kids, I guess it's just my biggest fear.. ---------- Post added 16th Feb 2016 at 12:19 PM ---------- May I ask a question? What was the final turning point for you? When did you realised you are ready to divorce your husband?
9 months. My divorce took almost 2 years to complete. I can tell you honestly that when I realized that I loved her, I went outside and tossed my cookies all over because I was quite terrified. Also, I had been planning to leave but wanted to be in a better position to leave in. Pay my credit card off, get some cash saved, and make sure I could get it all done quickly. It didn't turn out that way at all sadly.
My dad died when I was 8. Mum never remarried or even saw anyone else. I survived. My kids have grown up with me being a single mum more than me in a relationship and they are fine. My eldest son is a single dad and simply brilliant at it. Your kids need you to be happy, be yourself. They don't need you sad and miserable and in a relationship that isn't good. Show them how to be strong. Sometimes leaving is the best thing to do. As for him having the kids. The reality is most men expect the women to have the kids. It doesn't occur to them to have them. If you leave, or ask him to, work on the assumption that the kids will be with you. He may not even question it.
I had already decide to leave anyhow, because I could not live a lie any longer. When I fell in love, that was it, I had to move the date up to leave before things were in order. I cried myself to sleep every night, I was losing a lot of weight because I was so unhappy and in such anguish, I felt like I was dying inside. I knew I had to go or I would die little by little so in a way, filing for divorce was an effort to save my own life.
There was once a guy I was in a relationship with for many years. He toyed with the idea of a threesome, of course. As I look back on it, I would go along with it, and even fantasized about it. Anyway, back to present, I discussed my current love with him and he was completely appalled at it. I asked him why he felt that way since he was the one who wanted me to have sex with another woman with him. His answer absolutely floored me. Apparently it is okay to me to want to have recreational sex with another woman, but to actually have feelings and be in a relationship with a woman is unnatural. Really now?????
