Okay, to start, I can't believe that I'm even going to ask this question; I certainly don't want to be asking it. How easy is it to lead a double life? I'm coming to the conclusion that it will be impossible for me to forge real friendships without telling my new friends that I'm gay. It's the only way I feel truly authentic around other people, and I'm guessing I'm not alone in that regard. But in the size of the town I currently live in, if I start coming out to a few people, and if they talk, word will spread to others that I'm gay, including the people who I work with. That would very likely cause problems for me at work, and I don't want that. So my idea is to start trying to make friends in the nearest big city I can find. Granted, that is still several hours away by car, but it may be my only option. Doing that, though, would mean I have a crop of friends, or at least contacts who know that I'm gay, in one place, and a bunch of people to whom I'm closeted in another place. Is that even realistic? Thanks.
Hi, CrazyDog15, I can't imagine trying to keep my newly-proclaimed gayness under wraps because of the exact thing you mention, people talking. It's why I started blogging my experience, so that I could control the discourse to some extent. I knew in a town of just 5,000 people, many, many of whom I have worked alongside in the last 39 years, that tongues would wag and it would be to my detriment and my wife's if people didn't know the whole story. Would you ever consider moving to the bigger city and commuting?
It's very very hard. Take it from one who knows. I tried this because I live in a conservative town, however, my ex outed me to everyone, so it was futile anyhow. It is so much better to live true to yourself and then you have no regrets and can be who you are happily.
What generally happens when word gets out is that people talk, it lasts for about 24-48 hours then they get back to the more important things in their lives...This is a generalization and may not necessarily apply to everyone under your circumstances, but it is likely that the scenario I describe is accurate.
What kinds of problems do you think it will cause? Do you think you'd get fired? Treated poorly? I'm not a litigious type, but there are laws against that sort of thing. Are there any other queer-ish folk where you work, any at all? Or in your town? Anyone you can talk with to confirm or allay your fears? It sounds like a lot of unknowns and maybe the known can be easier to get a handle on and deal with.
It is possible, yes. People do it all the time. People who are into kink or hobbies that they are ashamed about do it all the time as well. Gay people have been doing it for decades. Technically speaking, its not hard. What is hard though, is that it does take emotional effort to keep both worlds separate. It will make you anxious, it will make you nervous, but the hardest part is when your second world starts being more fun the the first. That's when it becomes tough. That being said, not everyone is able to come out and that is okay. If trying to live a second life is what you need to do, then I would say give it a go. If that doesn't work, you can come up with another plan later.
My advice from experience would be to not even try it. It's house of cards floating on a cloud in a hurricane. It will all come crashing down.
