I figured that this is the best spot for this thread as I am older, married and have children. So long story made kind of short, although I feel like a broken record with my posts. I started fooling around with boys around 10, then around 15 I started having sex with other men my age. Then I jumped on the self-medicating wagon while continuing this. There were a couple girls I kissed and "dated" until I was 21 when I was first with a woman. After her I started looking again for men to be with, with not much more than a hookup with a curious friend. Then at 22 I met the woman who would change my life forever. We became close and had a bunch in common, except my substance abuse. She was much more straight laced than me. Then we got pregnant, had our daughter and got married. I stopped the substance abuse and for a few years it all was going well. Then one day those feelings for men came back and so did the self abuse. So there were a few times after this I tried to accept or realize my sexuality, which quickly was shoved back down after I expressed this concern with some people close to me. Then just recently I hit my low point, which made me start therapy through counseling and medication. Now I'm really trying to come to terms with this. Is it just lusting or some sort of perverted curiosity? Which group do I fall into? How do I accept it if it's true? Can I face those I find important if it is? How does this affect my marriage? Can we stay together? How do I explore my sexuality more within this marriage? Am I using this as a way to try to escape family responsibility? Should I just take the quickest, easiest way out even though it's the worst option? It's a lot of questions that need answering. It's a struggle and I hope to get through it and truly come out as a better man.
I am in a similar position. I got so fed up and frustrated with my self-hate and stress I had been in high-risk suicide/self-harm category. I am on medication now. This back and forth in my mind became too much. I decided to 'kill' myself(behaviour patterns) off and birth a new me. Sounds stupid but I just want a bit of a life where I'm not furtively hiding and skulking about. My wife always knew about my same sex past. Those desires keep coming back and thats normal, and my wife accepts this at present. I would recommend LOTS of honest talking with your wife and tentative forays into gay culture. I use Meetup and am building a small network of guys. I do tread carefully so as not to piss too many people off at the moment. This is helping my self esteem and a sense of empowerment which I have never had before EVER. Counselling helps. I would say that my anger at not owning my own life led to this move. And while I am very careful in my relations with my wife I know I have to allow myself space to explore my self in the world. My wife understands this but I have made it clear I would like to make our mixed-orientation marriage work. Read Mixed-Orientation Marriage – Pathways to Success.
Lots of questions to consider and lots of answers to find. I would advise you to focus on one question at a time though, because it seems overwhelming when you look at it all together. It's rather like a messed up ball of string... there is an end to it somewhere, but you need to unravel quite a bit to find it. Thinking about all of the questions you are asking, what seems to be the most pressing one? If you can focus your mind on one issue at a time it's a lot better and I would advise you to try to do that. When you talk about the quickest, easiest way out, what exactly do you mean? To me, this seems the most pressing issue to address, right now. Talk to us... tell us more. There are lots of people on this forum who can help and offer support if you tell us what's on your mind. Don't bottle it up.
You have many questions, and I hope you find answers. Hopefully we on this forum can help, even if a little bit. I want to share my experience on one of your questions, the one regarding your marriage. I'm a bisexual guy, and my wife has known since early on when we were first dating. We've been married 15 years and have made it work well. It hasn't been easy. There have been awkward moments, discussions. It has taken love and willingness and openness. Everyone is different, so this may not work for you or some others, but it works for us. My wife values trust, intimacy, and monogamy. I respect and honor that with a commitment to her. She recognizes my bi identity and is open for (and encouraging of) fantasy, roleplay, use of toys, etc in the bedroom. It works for us, I'm a happy guy. It is probably (likely?) not going to work for everyone. I wanted to share that in case it might offer one option to consider on one of your questions. For me, my biggest unmet need is the longing to be more out, to be part of a community. This forum has been helping me sort that out. Good luck, I'm wishing you success and answers. Alsom thanks Cool Bicycling for the link, I'm going to check that out.
Hi painting me infinite Thank u for sharing I really relate to your experiences My first experience was with a girl when I was 8 and then drunken nights in my 20/ 30s which I dismissed as just that 'drunken' All my relationships have been heterosexual but the sexual feelings towards women didn't stop but it was always just watching porn and I blocked out any feelings in 'real life ' So at 6 yrs clean and sober and with some abstinence for food addiction I got out of a 4 yr relationship and woke up to 'I am a gay women ' fully integrated and accepted it and it feels good I know this isn't everyone's story and I can hear the place you are in and that searching uncomfortability Why did it take me until 42 yrs - in all honesty I don't fully know - I think shame did play a part ( although ironically when I feeling accepted I felt proud Needing a father figure I think played a part, wanting that protection and to be looked after And yes using what ever to fix on and numb my feelings was very likely to be the main part I just couldn't integrate in many areas and sexuality was one From what you share it is that you have sexual feelings for men - so you are either bi sexual or gay - maybe you won't know whilst being in your marriage - I don't know just a thought - I know for me looking back now sex with men was never right - but I put it down to them and not me - Maybe looking honestly at what sex is like with a female ... Honestly from an emotional as well as sexual view I def see for me now that emotionally sex just wasn't right with men I also hated men looking at me on some level Have trust that you will arrive at your sexuality and it will become clear You are seeking the answer and you will get it Just remember no self beating allowed and you are not 'perverted' Also I am in recovery with 12 step programmes which have been just amazing for my self awareness and becoming a more whole person -- may help you too
Hi PaintingMeInfinite. I feel for the challenges that you and many others are going through in working through the inner conflict of sexuality. I have also been going through similar challenges and have recently started the process of coming out to my family and friends. What has really helped me over the past few years to truely understand myself and be in touch with my own feelings is mindfulness. I did a course called Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) which really helped me to confront the uncertainties of my life through self-compassion and obtain more clarity or "insight" to then be the catalyst of my coming out journey. Let me know if you would like any more information about MBSR. Wishing you all the very best. Sam
