Back to where I started

Hi there. I’ve been away for a while, I guess for lack of a better description, hiding from my feelings, trying to get a better grip on dealing with all the intense emotions I’d been feeling after coming out, so I could find a way to work through them more rationally. For anyone who hasn’t followed my threads in the past, just a quick background - I came out as bi about 5-6 months ago, I’m married with a kid, and have been trying to figure out what coming out means to me in terms of where I am in my life, as a married mom.

So here I am again, and I’m feeling sort of ….lost is too strong of a word, but something like that.

After taking some “time off” from my feelings, I’m back to thinking and introspecting again, and...I just don’t know what I want in terms of my sexuality, in terms of my marriage. So here I am, old (in terms of starting over), married, a mother, for all intents and purposes - living a straight life, having always lived a straight life, and as I’ve told you all before, feeling I’ve lost my chance to be me.

There was a time when I thought I was going to leave my husband. Not solely because of coming out, but based on a myriad of issues in our marriage, and my sexuality was just an additional part of me that highlights our lack of connection. Now I don’t know if I would ever want to leave him. We’ve gotten so far in just the last few months. We have started to really improve our communication, and all of our other issues.

But I don’t feel attracted to him anymore, intimately, romantically, sexually. Do I want a woman? Do I want a man who fits me better? I don’t know anymore.

What would happen if I left him? Do I want to start over? Would I just want to be alone instead?
Alot of my reasoning earlier for wanting to stay with my husband was to give our relationship as much of a chance as I could, for our daughter. But now… I just don’t even know what I believe in anymore in terms of marriage, love, relationships. I suppose I’ve become jaded. Cold.

I don’t know how to feel things without getting in too deep, so I guess I’m sort of still living in a bit of a bubble. Trying not to feel too much.

But if I was to feel, to let it all make sense...what would it be? I think, maybe, I want it more than ever. To connect to a woman, to let it all go, my inhibitions, just let myself really be with a woman, to hold her, to touch her face, to let her rub my hair, to talk softly to one another. Just visualising this, imagining it feels so right. More natural than anything I’ve felt in a while.

I can’t even begin to guess what I want for the long term. I don’t know if I see myself wanting a person of any particular gender as my life partner. All I know right now is this need for connection with a woman, at least for a little while. It’s deep in me, this need. In terms of a partner, a long term partner, what I want is more hard to visualise...it’s a feeling I can imagine. That sense of really getting each other, a shared connection. I don’t necessarily care if I feel that with a man or a woman. But I don’t feel it right now with my husband. Maybe I could feel that with him, I don’t know. I just know it’s not there right now.

There’s more to a life partnership than that of course, so many mundane details are important to the reality of forming and maintaining a real partnership. And my husband and I are getting somewhere with all of those mundane details. We’re becoming better partners, better co-parents. It took us nearly 9 years to get there.

I am stuck here, in this place, I guess where it all started. Wanting a woman, wanting to explore my sexuality, wanting to understand myself better, not sure how I feel about my marriage, and not sure what to do from here.

Any insights from you all would be welcome, as always .

 

H

Hi Taxodium, big hugs back to you. I'm sorry the relationship had to end with the man you fell in love with, I'm sure it's a hard situation to get through on top of all of the stress with feeling like you need to sacrifice to take care of your wife.

Your words "suspended animation" really struck me. That's what I feel for myself too.

I guess I am not as sure as you about sacrificing for my husband. On one hand I feel obligated, especially for my daughter's sake, but on the other I feel like it can't work under the terms of traditional expectations. I have no idea yet what I want to do or how but I believe that I have to be with a woman at some point in my life in order to grow into my full self and to feel more complete. I don't wang it to be frivolous though, I want something real...I just don't know how I will ever find that for myself. And that makes me think maybe at some point I will have to leave my husband if I really want it.

When I first came out, I was feeling desperately sad and trapped. Now I feel somewhat in more control of my situation. i am up front with my husband that I have a lot of doubts about things working and I don't know how to move forward. We're starting counselling next week.

I guess I just feel like a lot of my perceptions are changing about marriage and love. I'm starting to wonder if a happy marriage is something you have to grow into, and that you can and maybe have to recreate chemistry... but then i wonder if that's just me living in denial.

I just feel like - so, what if I leave my husband, and I find a woman (or man) that I love...will the same thing happen in 9 years? Is part of this stuff with my husband just a normal waning of romance? Of course it's not all attributed to that...part of it is that I've suppressed my desires for women for so long. But given that, at what point do you take all these facts and put them together and say its reason enough to walk away from a nine year relationship with the father of your child? Especially when he's a good man...

I've gotten to a better place than I was just a month or so ago. I was so unhappy then. Now I feel an empty space and I feel and see big issues that have to be worked through and decisions that need to be made. But I think I'm letting myself unravel thrm slowly and more carefully now.

Sorry for the novel ...

Anyway, I hope you can find a place of peace. (*hug*) thanks for the support.

---------- Post added 17th Feb 2016 at 06:34 AM ----------

Warm hugs to you (*hug*). I'm going to send you a pm back.

 

I'm sorry you've been going through such a painful loss, finding someone you connected with so deeply and having to give him up.

It's funny, I have no "someone" I've lost, but I feel grief, not the raw kind of grief of losing someone, but a sense of emptiness, there's definitely a hole that I don't know how to fill. It's like you said, I'm looking for "something".

Your way of describing your feelings is so beautiful and real, by the way. Thanks for sharing your experiences, it makes me feel less alone.

---------- Post added 18th Feb 2016 at 07:09 AM ----------

What you're saying is so much like what I'm feeling. I love my husband, and there are so many things holding me here, but the feelings are just not there, we're so disconnected.
But I guess on top of fear, for me, there's still uncertainty, I just don't know that I've reached that point that it's over.
On one hand, what I have with my husband seems empty, and I feel I need to find that wholeness with someone else. I know there is this need for a connection with a woman, but I don't know if that's where I need to find my life long connection. And then I wonder, would leaving my husband really feel more right, or is there still something there for me and my husband. I guess I have more introspection to do.

 

Your comment was really helpful and really made me think. I think you’re right that I need to take each question one by one.
You said it would be better/clearer if I came out as either bisexual or lesbian in a marriage beyond repair. So if I look at that I can break apart those questions.

Am I a lesbian or am I bisexual? I don’t really spend a lot of time thinking about this, but I think it’s something that kind of plays in the back of my mind sometimes. I wonder, am I gay and in denial? Am I gay but calling myself bi because having no experience with women and a lifetime of experience with men confuses my understanding of myself? I have compelling reason to believe I’m bi… my first male crush was in childhood, and my first female crush was also in childhood. But, maybe this question doesn’t really matter at this point. What I mean is that figuring out my needs does not hinge on whether I’m gay or bi. I feel an emptiness that is tied to a need to find connection with a woman. So, perhaps the only important thing to take from that is, I feel drawn towards being with a woman to the extent that it leaves a hole in my emotional well-being. So clearly, that is important regardless of the source of my feelings. Or does it matter? I suppose as a bisexual, I could find happiness without having to break up my marriage, but I am starting to think it’s really unlikely that I could ever find happiness without being with a woman, in some capacity, a real connection. I don’t know. I guess I still have some thinking to do in this area.

What’s the state of my marriage? You call it a marriage beyond repair, which makes me think that the way I describe it shows huge issues that can’t be fixed. I’m not sure I’m at the point yet where I think my marriage is beyond repair. But I think that I have created a huge emotional distance from myself and my husband/our marriage. I think the truth is I don’t *want* to make the marriage work. Not at this point at least. I think that my need to understand myself better has made me very hesitant to put the focus on my marriage. I don’t want to get lost again in something that ultimately leaves a missing piece in my life. Because I know that I have shoved my feelings, my needs, my desires so far down inside myself that I don’t want to lose my opportunity to free myself to feel and to connect and to find something that feels right in that part of my life. I have never allowed myself to connect with, build a romance with, to love a woman, or even to let it go beyond longing and thinking and wishing. I don’t know, maybe if I were more open to mending the marriage, maybe I could make things work with my husband, reclaim some of our connection… but I don’t want to ignore myself, my sexuality, anymore.

I know what it sounds like...it sounds like I’m leaning toward separation from my husband. And I can see in reading my own writing that it seems like the rational step. But… I think maybe I need to spend more time on the pieces of the puzzle. One by one. I want to think about that need to be with a woman. And what it means to me. Perhaps by thinking about that more deeply, I can make the emotional leap I need.

One thing I know, for certain, is that my desire to be with a woman won’t disappear. It’s a part of my sexuality, and will always be. It’s important, and I need to figure out what that means for me...maybe by figuring out what it means for me, it will make it easier to see what it means for my marriage.

I think figuring out how to be more fulfilled is going to come from a long process of introspection.

 

thanks Boatman(*hug*)

 

I'm glad you dish out the tough questions .

I think it's because my heart, the emotional side of me is wanting 2 very different things. There's a real sentiment and emotional draw to the home I've built for my daughter. I know that sounds crazy, but it's a home I want dearly.

But my heart is also pulling me towards things I've not had the courage to pursue before (being with a woman).

And then there's another reason, from the rational perspective I think, what if I'm wrong (not that I worry that I'm wrong about not being straight, but that I may leave and find that I really didn't want to end things). What if I get out of my marriage and it was all a big mistake? I'm more afraid of this risk because of the desire for the cozy home for my daughter.

When I imagine becoming more healthy with my husband and maybe finding some fulfillment there, it feels like a very lovely thing.

I don't know if that just sounds like fear...

But basically, I want to want my husband and if I did, our home would be very happy. And I almost feel like maybe I'd be content if I'd just had more courage prior to meeting him. Maybe I would have instead ended up with a woman, but on the other hand maybe I would have felt like I'd followed my heart and then eventually found the life I'm in now. And it would feel good.

And if that's the case, then I am scared that I'll walk away, find some temporary fulfillment, but then not be happy in the end, and all at the cost of the life my daughter knows and feels secure in.

But on the other side, I'm afraid if I simply stay with my husband, I'll never find fulfillment, even temporary fulfillment.

So I'm sort of standing in the fork of the road and just sitting there looking at both paths, too afraid to commit to either of them.

 

I think that wanting to want my husband is partially a closet issue...not as much that I want to be straight but being afraid to so bluntly put it out there for the whole world to see that I'm not straight...there's certainly fear there. But it's also partially that I don't want a failed marriage, I don't want to start over after this frankly largely uphill battle towards domestic peace that we've nearly reached, I don't want to disrupt my daughter's life...I just want the less disruptive path now that I'm a mom. If I meet a new person, I have to fight all these battles again to get to a place where we understand and respect eachother. Leaving my husband wold mean that my daughter would at least temporarily be quite shaken up. She's gone through so much change in her short life (we've made several distant moves since she's been born). It's just...all so daunting.

I love your Emerson quote, it's beautiful. And provides a spark for thought...

If I were to fall madly in love with another woman and build a home with her - this thought is incredibly lovely, honestly. But (there's always a but), it's lovely with a twinge of sadness at the disruption it brings to my daughter's life. I know she'd get through it, but the emotions I feel at the thought of it are hard for me to overcome.

What you say about experience rather than introspection is something ive thought a lot about. I think that is my sort of one last hope to make things work, to tslk my husband about doing that with his blessing... Not sure that will go over well. We have talked about it and we almost had a plan to do it, but that has been pushed aside to discuss later.

I like yoir tough questions . Thanks for helping me think about this. You have s good weekend too .

 

Thanks for this advice, it really feels like it fits my needs at the moment and I'm going to try it.

Sometimes lately I have trouble creating stillness for myself, it can feel uncomfortable. That's likely an indication that it's exactly what I need, I think I've been fighting against facing my own inner voice. Partially because I'd opened a lot of wounds when I started coming out and felt really vulnerable. But I think I'm ready to let myself be a bit vulnerable again, I think it's time.

But it's funny, now just thinking about creating this stillness makes me feel more calm.

---------- Post added 19th Feb 2016 at 06:20 PM ----------

This is a worry I have - will it ever be enough, that no matter how much we strengthen our relationship, that there will always be this missing piece.

Where have you found information on couples that have made this work? I've found a couple blogs and articles, but I guess I haven't sought it out enough.

In terms of strengthening my marriage while also opening it up... I think I could feel comfortable with that, but my husbsnd is very uncomfortable with it. (Opening up in general, but also my husband's said if we do decide to open up the marriage he wants to work on making sure we're strong first.)

We're going to a counsellor this week and perhaps that will help sort through the issues..