I want it all

HI NIckw
I am in similar circumstances. I love my straight wife of 11 years, we have been together 15 years. I began to lose sexual interest a couple of years ago and I was irritable. I have always hid my sexuality from the world and myself. Until recently-I admtted being bi. She & I are in crisis-she does not feel comfortable switching roles, or "being married to a bisexual man" She does not want an open arrangement either. No exploring.

 

Hi Nickw,

Welcome to EC :welcome:

Do you have any sense of where you fall on the bisexual continuum? Do you have equal preference for both sexes or do you prefer guys over gals?

 

This would be much easier if you had come back and said that you've been repressing your gay side. The piece of the puzzle that I find interesting is that you love your wife, but now that she no longer wants sex you want to explore sex with guys. Luckily you stopped yourself before cheating, so you have time to take a measured approach here.

If you want to maintain the moral high ground (based on your posts you do) and explore having sex with guys, then I would suggest that you speak to your wife about opening your marriage. As Mikelhpc228 points out, you need to be prepared to end your marriage if you start down this path. Another risk with this approach is that you could emotionally bond with another man, which could open up a can of worms. The other path in front of you involves leading a double life, which has its own can of worms and appears to be a path you do not wish to pursue.

This is a situation where you need to figure out if it's worth the risk to open your marriage or to continue to love your wife for who she is.

 

Welcome, Nick.

You wanted to know if asking your wife for an open marriage can work. The short answer is...yes! And also: NO!!! It all depends... on quite a number of variables. I have witnessed every imaginable outcome, including divorce and then remarrying a few years later. There is no template for success.

The most critical variable seems to be the wife's default attitude about monogamy. If she is fundamentally wired as a monogamous person, odds are that she will not respond well to the request. If she's more flexible or prone to see gray areas in difficult situations, she's more likely to respond better.

I expect someone else has already asked you this, but if not: have you had a recent open, honest and frank discussion with your wife about intimacy in your marriage? Not only sex, but intimacy in all forms? It seems to me that conversation would lead to a natural discussion about monogamy, especially if she flat-out says she's done having sex.

 

for me, asking your wife to hold on your marriage while you explore being Bi was totally unfair for her side, because what if you found out that you really a bi? or homo, what do you think would happen to her? her feels? so I suggest that settle one before you explore another. simply, confess what are you into now, ask her opinions if she get mad, then so be it, its her right anyways, then try to ask her what you really wanna ask her, if she would allow you to explore the real you (luckily). just don't be unfair to her and also don't deprive yourself to know the real persona inside you.

best of luck my Dear

 

Nick,

My gut tells me that you are in denial and that you yearn for a fling with a younger man.

The perfect couple shtick seems like it's a page out of The Velvet Rage.

I hope you understand why I suggested a separate thread

Best

 

Hi Nickw,

I'm a bi guy, too, and I'm married to a straight woman like you are. I'm also inherently monogamous, which it sounds like you are as well. So if I don't add anything else to helping you, at least know that I understand and share a lot of your experience.

In my case, my wife has known I'm bi since before we were married, and we even incorporate some roleplay into the bedroom. I think trust has a lot to do with that. Even with her knowing my bisexuality, it was a little awkward at first, but it's really good now. This isn't a perfect solution, but it keeps me happy. I strongly suspect that if I had strayed from monogamy, this would be completely different.

Your situation is a little different in some ways, as might be your interests. I've got straight guy friends for companionship, so I'm covered there. Don't know if this is helpful, but I thought I'd at least offer it as an experience of a mid-life bi guy who is pretty safely right in the middle of the gay-straight continuum as it sounds you are too.

I'm pulling for you, I hope you find happiness.

 

As someone who identified as bisexual as a married man before coming out as gay, I understand your feedback that some gay men see bisexuals as being in denial. I certainly felt that perspective was unjustified when I identified as bisexual. In my case, however, the gays were correct, and I ultimately came out as gay. I understand that there are men who are genuinely bisexual; however, please understand that based on what you posted I did not get a clear sense that you fell into this category and I felt that it would help you if I probed deeper.

As for having a fling with younger men, anecdotally this has been a recurring pattern among men on EC who discovered their sexuality later in life. The thought process is that by dating younger men one can recapture lost youth. Since you have interest in men your own age, clearly you are past this unhealthy phase.

EC is a wonderful community and has certainly helped me by asking the tough questions. Hopefully you share in this perspective.

Best

 

Well, if any guy's wife didn't want to have sex for awhile, he would naturally start considering other options.

For you it's veering towards men and not women. Well, you identify as bi. So there's a chance of either, I suppose? In your case it may be because you've never acted on it -- an itch you've never scratched.

But it seems like the immediate issue is lack of intimacy with your wife. That's what's fueling this, at least on the surface. So maybe some couples' counseling may be in order.

Below that may be some unmet intimacy needs with men. But if you're bi and not gay, that may not be so strong that you need to act it out sexually -- provided your sexual needs are being taken care of elsewhere.

Anyway, that's another 2 cents from an anonymous guy on the internet, so take as much salt as you need.

 

No worries, I'm not offended! I'm new to this site, but I understand that honesty is important here and unusual questions and answers are pretty okay in most cases. Somebody correct me if that is off at all. Also, some graphic content ahead, so skip to next response if anybody doesn't want to see any of that.

We've been married 15 years, and my wife still has a pretty strong interest. So our case is a little different. But to answer your question, if she was no longer interested in me sexually, I don't know how I'd proceed, but I'll suppose.... I'd try to get her re-interested. If that didn't work, I'd be more likely to turn to porn and just taking care of myself, I suppose. Part of the reason I've never had any problem with monogamy is that I'm very reluctant and slow to start serious relationships, and I've never been one to fool around casually. I don't know if that's helpful, probably not. Just answering honestly.

Can you rekindle her desires? What does she like best, sexually? You don't have to respond to that directly, it's more meant as a thought-provoker. My wife loves receiving oral. So I do it, quite a lot. When she's happy, she's more adventurous in bed with some of my bi stuff. Sorry if that's overly graphic. In short, if her interest started waning, I'd try more of what she likes. That's hypothetical, I hope it'd work if we got to that point.

I guess I would give her every chance (and then some) to bring the sexual interest back around.

If I were ever single again, I suspect I'd likely be looking for a boyfriend first. Primarily because I've only had very limited experience with men, so there is some "if only's" going on with me. But I'm really wanting to stay with my wife, so I don't know if that day will ever come.

I actually came here to EC because I'm wanting to be a little more "out" with my bisexuality and do it staying with my wife and happy. And that is turning out more challenging than I ever imagined, but I'm still hopeful. I have a yearning to be true to myself.

Again, don't know how much any of that helps, but we have at least a little similarity in our situations. If I were you, I'd give her every chance, and then some, before I did anything else. Just my thoughts, good luck.

 

Good plan! She'll love it! Make her feel great about herself, too. It might be the icebreaker you're looking for.

Good luck!