Finally ready to talk...

I've been reading posts for a while here and finding everyone's questions, advice, and support to be immensely helpful. Today, I'm finally gathering up enough courage to actually post something about myself.

My story, briefly (I hope), is that I've been married to a man for many years who I'd been dating since I started college. A few years ago, I fell in love with my best friend, and our relationship evolved into something that could be called an emotional affair. Though I've always simultaneously wanted it to be physical while being terrified (for many, many reasons) of actually acting on my feelings. She maintains that she's straight, and I've been unwilling to actually tell her how I feel (though I've dreamt of it often). A couple years ago, while on a long weekend trip with her, and while pregnant with my second child, I told her I'd start looking into understanding what I thought then was my bisexual desires in a year or so. (I'd told her that I was starting to be interested in women, but was careful not to explicitly say I was interested in her).

Last year, I started doing just that and started going to both individual and eventually couples therapy. After much introspection, many hard discussions, much flip-flopping back and forth (it's so hard to trust myself to know what I want after finding that I've been lying to myself all these years), and a generally tortuous, amazing, roller coaster of a ride (I can't believe how much I've grown as a person, especially emotionally). I find myself almost two months after separating from my husband, ready to start connecting with others who might be like me (or even might like me!).

But even now, I go back and forth. Should I be focusing on how to reconcile with my husband? Did I really try EVERYTHING? I came across a post the other day linking to a positive blog on making mixed orientation marriages work. Thinking I hadn't really tried that approach exactly the way he'd described, I forwarded the link to my husband. While at the same time feeling like I'm not even sure that I actually want to try to make it work. Even while I write these words, I worry he'll come across this post, see my honesty, and be even more hurt by what I say, do and want. Also, I miss his friendship, and I miss sharing everything about our lives, and everything about our girls with each other. There are so many cool little moments each day that I want to share with someone, but I don't have that person right now. I miss that.

So, I want to be brave and join some groups where I might find some people to talk to. This post is my first try doing this online, and my goal is to go do something IRL next weekend. I've found 3 or 4 dance-type events next Sat that all sound fun, and now I'm terrified! I don't know which to choose, I don't know what I'm supposed to wear, should I invite my best friend to go with me for support, or do I need to learn how to do this on my own? I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, because I've been putting it off for months now. I'm not ready to go for a big change yet, but I wish I knew enough about myself to know what kind of cut I'd actually like. It's like I want to make a good impression, but I'm still searching for what I "should" do/wear/etc, when I'm trying to consciously avoid the "should"s at the same time. The problem is that I don't feel like I know myself well enough yet to know what I'd actually WANT to do/wear/etc. And the other problem is I haven't been single since before college started, I don't know how to do the single social scene.

So, I'm looking for advice or support or something. How do I take this next step? I want it to be positive, because I still feel so fragile that a negative experience could revive all sorts of doubts.

 

Thanks! I've felt so alone on this journey, and so scared to reach out to others. But I've found such support and learned so much just from reading about other people's experiences. I'm so glad there is a safe place like this to share stories and to feel less alone.

 

:tears: :tears: Wow. 20 minutes later, and I'm still crying from all of your kind, welcoming responses. I wasn't expecting to have such a strong emotional reaction. So why *am* I crying? I guess I'd felt really vulnerable posting, and your responses have helped to validate me. Thanks! I think you're right about my friend. I need her friendship right now more than I need to see if we could have anything beyond that, so I shouldn't complicate things by asking her to go with me. And I'm realizing the hair/clothes question has much more significance / symbolism to me than I'd recognized before. Growing up, I'd always wondered why people cared so much about what they wore. For me, I've always been trying to guess what's appropriate for me to wear in a given situation, and never really felt comfortable in anything I've worn. Now, I'm starting to understand how it really is an outward expression of myself. Before, I was hiding even from myself, so how could I dare let anyone else see anything that might even hint at the real me?

The other significance is that my H last year asked me to grow my hair long, after saying that he likes it better that way and that I should try to do some things for him and not just for myself. Since that conversation, as a good faith effort in trying to compromise to see if we could work things out, I haven't cut it. So getting it cut now (if I do anything more than just a minor trim), is a visible choice of me over him that he will see and notice. I think I'm ready for that now, but it's also frustrating to me that even getting my hair cut will probably trigger a negative reaction from him.

I understand what you mean, FoxSong, about listening to the little gut feelings. That's what's gotten me this far, but I'm still trying to get over the associated guilt and self-hate I feel sometimes. There were times I was crying after having sex with my H (ok, that might be a bigger sign than just a gut feeling ). He was so loving and giving, and I just didn't want it. with him. And I felt truly awful rejecting him like that repeatedly. And I believe in the vows we made, and have felt it's worth fighting for our marriage. But which should win, the gut feelings or my values? I go back and forth, but now I would most often say that how I feel should matter too.

 

Thanks for the support Chrissy and SnowshoeGeek!

soul sucking -- that's how I felt for a while... there was a stretch where every time I had sex with my H, I felt like I'd lost a little piece of my soul. I've been trying hard to listen to that gut feeling. I think the challenge is that I don't always trust it yet because it feels so new and I don't fully understand where it's come from or why now, whereas I've lived my whole life until recently according to other principles. But I agree with you, yeehaw, this is the way to go. Every little step I've taken has felt right, each one builds a little more trust in that little voice.

Uh-oh!! Shoes! I don't have any shoes to wear that'll work! Ok, deep breath... I'll figure something out, I still have a few days, right? Thanks Birdie, it helps to hear from someone who's been here recently and understands. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm glad I've told people here that I'm going, it will make it much harder to back out as the weekend gets closer. I think we're in a similar place in our journeys, Birdie, too bad we can't go to these meetups with each other. It does seem like it would be easier to have an understanding friend there for support. Guess instead I'll just read these posts before I go as a confidence boost.

 

I think there is something to becoming a parent. Both in learning to trust my parenting decisions based on what I felt to be right, and also in wanting to set a good example for my kids. And the example that I want to show them is that it's important to be true to yourself, to act with integrity, to handle and communicate emotions in a healthy way, and to have the courage to chase dreams.

But being a parent makes it much harder too. Now my decisions affect other people not just myself, that's made me really slow down and take my time with this.

I'm actually amazed at the amount of convoluted mental gymnastics my brain will go through to try to convince me of something. Even while I type this it's trying to convince me that it knows better than my gut does

Thanks, baristajedi, for your support. It's taken me quite a while to get to this point, almost a year of therapy, several years before that of denial/suppression/etc. Only 2 months of separation. Sometimes it's felt frustratingly slow, tiny steps, 2 forward, 3 back, going around in circles, but then I look back and I'm amazed at how far I've come. This isn't easy, especially with kids and a husband. Be patient and kind to yourself. (*hug*)

 

So an update... I went out last night. What a night!

I started by meeting my with my trigger crush, who has been sending mixed messages, to clear things up. I told her I knew how I felt about her but was confused by how she felt about me. That she'd said she likes guys, but that she was sending me all sorts of mixed signals and I needed to know for sure. She acknowledged that she'd been sending the confusing signals because she's attracted to deep emotional relationships like what we had, but that she was in fact into guys. So, now I know I'm not crazy, that I was indeed getting conflicting messages, and now I know she's not interested so I can move on. It's hard to take, but freeing too, I'm glad I was brave enough to talk with her directly. I told her that I was going out dancing later, but that I'd been avoiding telling her, because if she'd joined me I wouldn't have known how to handle it. But now that we're clear, it would be fun to go to such things with her as my support. She said she'd be happy to be my wingwoman for future events!

Then I went to an LGBT-friendly blues dancing group and had a great beginner lesson (just me and the 2 organizers). Unfortunately they'd just changed venues and times, so the group was smaller and lower energy than usual. I talked with people for a while (no one was really dancing), learned about the group a bit, then decided to go somewhere else. Told them I'd be back again.

So I went to see some live music at a bar that another meetup group (this time all girls) was attending. I got there 2 hours!! before the live music started (which was still after the start time the group had posted). So it was me in a nearly empty bar with most of the tables reserved for others. I found a bar stool and railing near the dance floor, sat by myself and was feeling pretty lonely / pathetic. At one point my mom texted me, trying to start a conversation. I told her I had to go. I couldn't be so pathetic that I'd be sitting in a bar by myself on a Saturday night texting my mom.

Eventually 2 women and a guy came by and asked if they could sit by me. I said yes, even though they weren't the type of people I was looking to hang out with. I ended up having a long, interesting talk with the guy who has a fascinating, positive life story. While I'm talking with him, more people kept joining the group, and the first women were sure to introduce me to them. At the end of the conversation, the guy mentions that the women with him were there for a meetup and that he was just along for the music. It turns out that this was indeed the very same group that I'd been looking to join up with! So from there things got better. Fun dancing, a nice time. I'm so glad I stayed and didn't give up / leave when I was feeling pathetic. I'm debating whether I'll go to more events with this group, as I'm not sure whether they fit what I'm interested in. Or more accurately, I'm still trying to figure out what I'm interested in, so I feel like I'm willing to try a bunch of different things and see which ones I want to continue to pursue.

Today, I'm meeting someone for coffee that I met on one of the dating sites. Not sure I'm attracted to her, but I think there might at least be a chance for good conversation and friendship. I just feel like I've taken so many little steps this weekend. It feels good to be out meeting and interacting with people. The main thing is I'm trying not to let myself hide and be invisible, which is how I've approached social things for most of my life. I could have easily done that at the bar, but I didn't and I ended up having a great time!

Also, now I know have a wingwoman who will give me support so I don't always have to go to these things alone. :eusa_danc

Thanks everyone for helping me have the courage to go and push my limits of what I'm comfortable with. Best of luck to you as well.