Goodbye Hook-up Apps, Hello Real Life

Given my poetic accounts of my trysts with dating apps I really feel the need to put this out because I read about so many people dealing with the unfortunate superficiality of dating apps.

Quick background - I'm the rare gay person of (my) color in a very white state where the men are extremely handsome and haven't seen a non-Caucasian person in their lifetime probably (I blame MTV).

It took a long time for me to finally create a "real" profile - face pic et al. - as I was hounded by the same fears which dog everyone - what if someone I knew saw this? what if I was asked to be the presidential candidate for LGBT issues? what if Hollywood offered me a role in the "Fifty Shades of Gay" movie? You know, things we all worry about.

A (very) long story short - it was not pleasant. It was perhaps 4 non-starter first meetings which never went anywhere after hundreds of take-a-deep-breath-send-a-hello-never-get-a-response messages to handsome men. And let's not even talk about the depression you go into when the cute guy doesn't message back or the disgust you feel when the first message from a guy has content that wouldn't make it past the Censor Board.
The only good thing to come out of it was 2 people I made friends with in real life and can talk to about my cribs with systemic racism in American online dating gay culture, and another 2 in far-off cities with whom I've developed a sort of texty friendship.

Which is why I finally took a (second) plunge and started going to the practically the only LGBT-friendly forum which my (somewhat small) city has. Bigger cities have meetup groups, choirs, sports clubs and what not. I pretty much have this.

And here's the thing - every single time I've gone to an event by them I've made at least one new acquaintance (and maybe a friend or two too!). Does that mean I've found my "True Love"? Good god, no! Some of the people are happily married, some are way older, some are still figuring things out, and most have known each other for a long time (and I feel like an outsider butting into the party). But the good thing is that there we all begin from a place of gentle friendship and connection, and not from sex.

I'm still the only person of my race there and that's often hard on a whole another level because you need to put extra effort in overcoming stereotypes and changing their perceptions, but you know what? It's still better (and way more rewarding) than sending digital hello's to shirtless torsos. It takes you away from objectifying people because of their bodies. It brings you in contact with people in real life and you realize that each connection you make doesn't have to always have an underlying premise of going to bed with someone. I realized that what I was hankering for was a sense of connection - of being able to talk to other gay people, make jokes about gay stuff, openly discuss celebrity crushes and why Ryan Reynolds is so incredibly hot, play board games and basketball with and so on. It's the normalcy I wanted which I finally feel I've started to get closer to.

If you're a really handsome guy or you live in a really big city with tons of people, you'll probably have better luck on apps simply because there're more people so there's a greater likelihood of finding those "good" needles in the gaystack. But whichever place you're in you should try to find a real place where people gather as their real selves. It seems to be working for me, I hope it can work for you too

 

Hey there, BMC77

Hmm, I see what you mean. To some extent, that IS a problem with my city too (with the bigger metropolis nearby having lots more options).

I'm sure you'd have looked even more intensively as you mention that you've been doing this for 3 years but here're all the ones I can think of, see if there might be something which works?

1. An LGBT organization - usually a good way to kind of "do your bit" while meeting up with intelligent, driven, professional people.
2. Meet up groups - a simple search might yield something. You might even consider joining a non-LGBT hobby group because it's nice to meet people with similar interests!
3. Church groups - I know this might sound paradoxical but, to my surprise, I recently heard that there was apparently a group of gay people who meet for regular community-type events at a LGBT-friendly church. And you don't have to be a Christian to join or anything like that. I haven't tried that yet but might.
4. Volunteering opportunities - This is something which a friend recently advised me on. He said it does two good things - (1) gets you out of your "oh lord, why am I single?" bubble and out into the real world to do something for others, and (2) gets you to meet people and hey, who knows? What if you end up making friends who are either gay or know someone who is?
5. The gay bars - Disclaimer, I haven't been to one in my life. But going by second-hand accounts, if you can find a friend or two to go with, and you're clear about your boundaries, then you might find a new friend.

Again, I'm not writing off the hook-up apps completely given that I DID find (very) few good people there. It was just that the return-to-effort was not there. I'd put in a lot of effort to try and make a connection and if the person rejects you for the color of your skin or because you aren't "his type", well, it hurts ;-)

Fellow readers - chip in with suggestions!

 

@BMC77

Hmm, that can be tough. But again, it's often starting with baby steps. What I've also found to a little bit is that connecting with people (not necessarily LGBT ones) ALSO helps strangely by fulfilling some latent need for a minimum of social connection. So even if there's something hobby-related like a book club, or a game club, or a walking group, honestly just try joining a couple and seeing how that works out for you. I joined a book club but that didn't work out that well. Then I found a nice sports group that did!
Keep me posted on your progress. I'm a wall message away, you know that

@MrB

Hello there! We haven't met on here so "Hi!" Well, amen! (or should I say "THE men!" :-D) It's slow progress for sure but whenever I get disheartened I think back to last year when the grand total of all the gay men I knew and was friends with was a big fat zero. Now at least I have a few people to talk to now and then! How goes the questioning life for you? Any developments?

@SiennaFire

Hello, old friend, nice to hear from you too (and your promise to visit me is still fresh in my mind, so I'm going to hold you to that ;-P) Well, completely agree with you and, especially when I talk to guys who HAVE gone for the hook-ups many a time, the verdict is mixed. With my bias I obviously would focus on the negatives but still I've seen time and again about how the relationships have suffered from instability, sexualisation, volatility...so I'm choosing to stick to my life decisions (at the cost of bouts of loneliness though!).
Metropolis is not very far but not really worth the effort yet given my work schedule. Maybe a year later.
And trust me, I'm waiting for the day I get to write that poem too ;-)
How's life been for you?!

@Onthehighway

Firstly, congrats on finding a partner! Woot woot! I wish there were more men like you in my area who can look beyond the color of my skin (I know there are, they're just not on those apps ;-) ). Weekend visits is a great idea and might consider them when work eases off a bit. Hope your relationship is progressing swimmingly!

 

@BMC77

Hmm, I'm trying to think. Gravity had basically suggested Meetup groups and I'd checked that out. I'm pretty sure Seattle would have a wealth of them if you can make occasional weekend commutes! You might look into something like community theatre?

@Siennafire

Glad that life's going well for you I know it's been that second adolescence for me too albeit not with your level of good luck in terms of going out with other men. But then again, things are going well and I'm happy
The invite will be forthcoming one day, never fear