Taking stock

Oh, nerdbrain

First, bravo! This is a significant turning point in your life, and you'll be all the happier for it in the long run.

Secondly, your life path has not been futile. Every little thing that has gone into your life has had some share in making you the person you are. If today you're at that crossroad when you can finally take a decision, then a lot of things fed into that bit by bit. Don't make the mistake of comparing your life to other people who you think have "had it easy". I think for most of us with a non-hetero orientation a measure of struggle is built into our lives given the society we live in. Some have it a bit better, some have it a bit worse.

Thirdly, yes, doing all the things you mention does seem like work. And it IS work at times. You need to take the first steps, you need to find things to go to which you might like, you need to send those messages on the dating apps, you need to join those LGBT clubs, but if the thought seems daunting to you, think of the longer run. You've so many amazing friends here on emptyclosets. Wouldn't it be nice if you had people like that in your own city too? Online friendships can be amazing but talking to a human being face-to-face about what life has been like for you, what you think about as a gay man, all those things are sometimes so relieving to talk to with another person who can understand what you've gone through. You don't need to subscribe to popular notions of what you SHOULD be doing. Instead, do what you LIKE to do. For instance I decided long ago that I won't do hook-ups as it carried the potential of being emotionally wrenching for me. So I try to focus on making friends within the gay community. And yes, it is work at times and requires me to move way out of my comfort zones. But at the end of five months at least I've gotten to know a few people to be able to talk to uninhibitedly about a part of me I repressed for so long.

You already have a stable career, you live in one of the most culturally thriving centres of the world, and you are at that nice point in time when you're old enough to know what you want and don't want, and young enough to have that sense of excitement in trying something new (though that is something I've seem much older people also have!). There're no guidebooks written on how to navigate the gay life because each person's truth is different from the next one's. So go ahead and write your own

And then read it many, many years down the line. You're on the cusp of what will be eventually an adventure. It need not be always exciting or always dramatic. It will have a lot of slow stretches, a lot of loneliness, a lot of despair at times. But it will also have beautiful friendships, heartfelt crushes, shared secrets, and maybe, love - in all its staggering complexity.

Kick that depression aside (I know it's not easy, I deal with blue moods too every week and I still don't think it can compare with people who're clinically depressed), take a deep breath, and open the door to change, to love, to friendship, and to Life

 

Hi Nerdbrain,

I hope my reply is not totally beside the point, but I've just read a book on tidying I bought randomly just because it was a 'buy another for half price' deal. It's by a famous japanese 'tidying' expert. That sort of thing would have made laugh just a few weeks ago, but now that I am in the middle of the process of coming out, figuring out who I am and what I want, it actually makes a lot of sense.

Her book is unlike other stuff on the subject, rather than being based on a set of fixed rules and solutions on how to keep stuff efficiently in your home, is based on a much deeper philosophy of getting to know yourself through the medium of the obects you own. By confronting every object you own with the question of does this brings me joy and thowing away the rest, you let go of your past and your anxieties about the future. The aim is to live in the present with the objects that matter to you in the present. In this way you 'reset' your life and learn to enjoy and pay attention to the now, and gain clarity, self-knowledge and of course, a very tidy home!

I don't know if this is pertinent to you at the moment, but for me I am keener than ever to have my own little place after years of taking a 'not interested' stance on household matters. I think its a way expressing yourself, your tastes and your personality. I see it as an major goal to be sitting one day in my future place, decorated to my own tastes, my own little home, my freedom to be myself.

 

It sounds like you have taken a necessary and important step in your life. And that is good! The reality of your separation will probably seem more real emotionally - with the negative stuff gone, but also the safety and comfort of what is known.

Although I've been single for some time, I do relate to what you are writing, especially the lack of excitement you are describing. I too know (all too well) what I need to do. But I feel stuck. I feel like I'm on autopilot, being careful not to disturb my inner equilibrium. It's almost like there's some lid on my emotions, which makes it hard to go out in the world and do all the right stuff. This has been a problem for me for years now. My mind and gut feelings are not in sync. And my gut feelings definately runs the show!

 

I started to reply earlier today, but I wasn't really sure what you need at this point in your journey. You have worked with a number of excellent therapists, you live in a city with lots of gay nerds, and you clearly know what to do next. Yet despite these advantages, you seem stuck and lack sufficient motivation to get off your ass. What do you think that you need at this point to get off your derrière? If you believe that it's related to your depression/anti-depressants, then clearly the next step is to speak with your doctor to adjust treatment (tune the mix of therapy/drugs). Or would you respond better to encouragement or perhaps even a kick in the derrière from folks here on EC? For me, midlife provided enough motivation to get going and start coming out (ok, there was that gentle nudge from greatwhale that appears in my sig). You have all the hard stuff behind you (congrats on doing the paperwork BTW) and this is where it's supposed to get better. Help us understand what you need to push you into the it's better category.