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Looking for some advice

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by blue3011, Feb 22, 2016.

  1. blue3011

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    Hi everyone... My previous post will bring you up to speed of where I currently am.Wife knows I'm gay and within the next few weeks I'm looking to move out of the family home.

    My biggest fear and worry about this is my daughter... She's 9.I guess I'm looking for some advice on how we tell her what's about to happen. Anyone care to share their own experiences?

    My wife seems hell-bent on being as upfront as possible with her.Personally I see no value in a 9 year old needing to know about her father's orientation... Not just yet anyway
     
  2. SiennaFire

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    Hi blue3011,

    I agree with your wife that you should be as upfront as possible. Children today are accepting of gays and very resilient. Having said that, your daughter is going to care more about the separation/divorce than who you love. As a result, I would encourage you to cover both topics in a single conversation.

    Have you and your wife sorted out custody issues? If not, I would encourage you to do that before you speak with your daughter.

    What worked for me is to tell the child that mommy and daddy are going to separate and explain how this impacts their day-to-day life (in your case this would mean where will she live, when will she see the other parent, etc.) After this is covered you can explain why you are getting the divorce. You'll need to explain this in age-appropriate language. Do you see a therapist? If so, it might be helpful to get their input in terms of crafting a message. It's best to let your daughter know now that you are gay so that she gets comfortable with the idea, rather than putting off the conversation (and having to deal with the question why didn't you tell me before)?

    HTH
     
    #2 SiennaFire, Feb 22, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2016
  3. MayButterfly

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    Hi Blue3011,
    I am there now. I do not think that my children need to know that I love a woman just now, though Husband does not agree. It is not the main reason, so I think for now it is too much. I was going to tell them that I have been unhappy for a long time and unfortunately Daddy was not able to help me be happy again. Then say that I need to be a good mother to them, as good as I can be anyway, and that I need to live in a different house than them to be able to do that. I will tell them this is not their fault, I still love them more than anything, and that I will still be very involved in their lives and that we will still be a family just living in different places. I will tell them they can call me anytime they need me. I was a product of divorce, and I turned out mostly OK, and my father abandoned me. I will not do that to them so hopefully they will come through this much better than I did.

    Hope this helps some. Good luck.
     
  4. Forhim

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    Blue3011, I am in the same boat but my boat has not sailed to the point of telling my wife yet. I have told two close friends, and yesterday I told my dad, which went very well. I have two boys 18 & 15 that I would also need to tell when I do come out fully.

    Now to be honest, I am an elementary teacher. Nine year olds know more than we think they do. I would tell her in a manner she would understand, you don't want it to be told to her from someone else except you that way if she has questions, then you can answer them. Good luck in this.
     
  5. JohnnyWisdom

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    Hi, Blue3011, I've been through this already with our 10-year-old son and it was a smooth, painless process.

    To begin with, he's a pretty knowledgable kid. We watch The Fosters on ABC Family, so he's seen a family with two moms and seen Jude and Connor fall in love over the last three seasons. He also already knows what gay means and is supportive of all people. He's pretty tender-hearted.

    We sat him down and explained that over the next year things would be changing between Mom and Dad and that regardless of what happened we would always love him the same - unconditionally - and that the changes have nothing to do with him other than indirectly. We told him Dad is gay and that even though he loves Mom very much, he wants to be in love with another man. We explained that when we move to Houston this summer (wife is finishing her RN in May) that we will get an apartment with three bedrooms so we can each have our own. We plan to live together for financial reasons for at least our first year in Houston. We explained that over time, Dad and Mom would both probably meet another person with whom they want to be in love and that someday he may have TWO new stepdads. He thought that sounded funny but cool. We reiterated that nothing was changing tomorrow or probably even next month, but that as things changed we would let him know what was happening.

    So far, nothing has changed while my wife finishes school this spring. We communicate openly with each other in front, or in earshot, of our son regularly so he can see that things are fine and that we still love and respect one another. Of course, we also have private conversations about sticky issues, but we want him to feel a part of what is happening. He hasn't had any questions but we've had several more conversations with him since October, just ironing out anything he may not understand - which hasn't been the case.

    He was even present when we told our older two kids (21- and 25-year old) and was proud that he was told first. We told him we were telling him first because he is the most directly affected by these changes. The older two kids freaked out a little because of the D-I-V-O-R-C-E word and the idea of having step dads, but what upset them the most was that I had been living a lie for so many years. My oldest son was stunned that his big, strong dad was afraid of anything, least of all being gay. Since our initial conversation with them, we have both spoken to them numerous times and they are fine with what is happening. They are both very supportive of each of us as we begin our new journeys.

    If you have any questions about anything I've been through, don't hesitate to ask.
     
  6. nerdbrain

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    I am in a support group with a gay leader, and he often talks about how smoothly it went when coming out to his 8 year old daughter.

    Your kids want you to be happy, just as you want them to be happy. And if they are exposed to the media, they likely have some idea about gayness already.
     
  7. CameronBayArea

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    I personally know many men who have come out to their young children. In every case it's gone well. The best approach seems to be one that is simple, straight-forward and age appropriate. As others have said, "gay" is more and more in the media. Many kids are aware of the concept, even if indirectly. Also, as a generation, they don't care.

    One kid actually bragged to her friends about how cool it was to have a gay dad. (She was 9, I think. Definitely pre-puberty. As a rule, kids don't brag about their parents once the hormones hit.)

    Another guy I know came out to his three kids, the youngest of which was 6 at the time. He says she's always known him as gay so it's never been an issue. Thinking back to how little I remember from childhood, that isn't surprising. Waiting until puberty seems a lot more dicey to me.
     
  8. blue3011

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    Thanks for all your advice on this.She is a bright kid and has started learning about same sex relationships in school this year.I guess this is more about my own personal feelings and worries of her knowing. Ultimately I need to push all that aside and focus on her now.

    From my wife knowing until now I had started to feel a little stronger and better about my situation.I guess today was just a bad day.The reality of moving out very soon hit home!

    If there's one thing I've learnt about myself through all this ,it's that I have a resilience I need dreamt I'd know.When it comes to my little girl though and thoughts of hurting her....that's something else.

    Xx
     
  9. SiennaFire

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    Your message resonates with me. I also found resilience after coming out that I didn't know that I had when I started the journey. Each time I came out (whether it be to my wife, children, or friends), the ritual of coming out has made me a stronger and more authentic person. Along the way, I've overcome the many challenges of the journey, and I no longer need to hide behind a mask. It definitely does get better.
     
    #9 SiennaFire, Feb 22, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2016
  10. Weston

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    Add my vote to those who advocate telling her sooner rather than later. Long before I came out and when my children were even younger than your daughter, we had the experience of explaining to them why "Uncle Jim" would now be known as "Auntie Jessica." They took it all in stride and never had a problem with it.