I just got flaked on/stood up and somehow that's fine.

Given the trials most go through (namely spouses/children) I know this is nothing. But I sort of need to vent.

So I message Mr Let's do coffee and we bounce back and forth. Yes, he's not out, so what. Neither am I. Big deal, I thought. Like an idiot kid I was already plotting second date ideas. A few nights later it's down to me suggesting he pick a place (as to fit his schedule/whatever better) and he picks my house.

Then he tells me he's married. To be fair he had dropped the hint at least once. I mean when someone asks if you're married the answer is Yes/no, and you?

I should've have bailed right then but I felt like we had some things in common. And a married person is a nice tidy compartmentalized thing, aren't they? Not exactly my proudest moment. Live and learn.

I really want to chalk this up to internet vs reality. It is too easy to window shop and play the "someday" game and not bother with anything human. All well.

Real joke of it is I was going over my place taking it from "livable" to "some level of clean" and thinking, you know he's going to flake, right? Also, man this place is a mess. Why don't I care more about it? Why don't I care more about anything? You know what, he can flake all he wants. I'm getting this done for me because I want to. Yes, it doesn't matter and was good enough the way it was but it is what I want and that's reason enough.

I remember my former therapist more or less chiding me "you don't want anything?" after he had asked what I wanted in/out of life. I told him that anything I wanted didn't seem obtainable.

I don't know if it was depression or simply disengagement but I can look around see that lack of caring in other parts of my life. I'm trying not to dwell on Mr Flake and instead hold onto that positive feeling. It started out as predate motivation but when I stop and look at it I can almost see the main problem I've had with life.

It is totally okay to want things in life. It is okay to take care of yourself. What I choose to do has value because I'm the one doing it.

The real kick in the head is part of the reason I stayed away from "those people" was I was afraid of ending up old, without a wife and kids and with no ambition. And that's more or less how I've spent the last few years. That's got to change. I was raised with a very clear breadwinner mindset (aka if you aren't a provider, you are a selfish non-person) and wonder how much that has impacted me.

It feels that I'm stuck choosing between narcissism and non-existence which I know is black-and-white thinking. The problem is non-existence doesn't work as a life strategy and narcissists tend to die alone. So there it is.

Sorry for the wall of text but that said I've got a few questions.

Does the above seem rational? I somehow can't get my head around suddenly giving a damn, as it were. It just seems odd. I know the authentic life crowd points to chronic low mood/depression as a symptom of living at odds to your person/values but it can't be that simple. Can it?

Provided that's what's going on, what do I do now? Or am I stuck following my gut and the entire true-to-self stuff?

I know I sound critical (because I'm being critical) of self-help ideas but I haven't felt this positive in months, even with a "failed" hookup to my name. I mean the "me" I know would be sulking, if not outright raging about the jerk. But I'm not.

So am I missing something? Or can it be that simple sometimes?

PC

 

That's a good point. It just felt like the "lift" from it was/is disproportional. Maybe wishful thinking on my part.

PC

 

Nope. No message, no show. Hurry for internet dating!

That was a big part of it.

To be honest I'm going to let that settle out on its own. If he shows back up, fine, if not , fine. He's just not that important.

Thank. It just seems like a stupid problem for a grown man to have. But it is what it is.

I'm probably throwing the word narcissist around too much but as ugly as it sounds that's more or less it. A single man is some level of moral failure. Sexuality doesn't factor in as much as self interest = selfishness. Of course that's not reality but it is a kick in the head to accept that's how I've lived my life so far.

Looking at it now I think if my parents had a more functional marriage I might have been in the same boat as others here, gay/bi with a straight life about to unravel.

It's an example of what I mean but it feels broader than that. Like the idea of living on my own terms is simply wrong.

I can't help but feel that many so called chauvinistic patriarchs (like my dad) are really just enabling co-dependents hiding behind their wives and children. It's no doubt part of that bizarre Christian "humility", where a person will invoke a higher power before doing what they're going to do anyway. Whatever you do, don't do it for yourself. Because that's "selfish."

I'm probably just being immature. It is just painful noticing that a major life skill (or possible the life skill) is missing/lacking.

I was afraid of that. :lol:

Thanks again.

PC

 

That's what I thought, also. But on the other hand his flaking saved my having to do it myself.

If I was any good at hearing what the therapist had to say you would be right. I don't feel like I'm really at that place right now, personally.

As far as being a moral failure there is some of that but more the idea that a single person is living a "pretend life" that doesn't really count. It is less a matter of guilt and more the idea that none of it matters because it's not a "real life." I'm getting past that, somewhat. At least I know the script's there now. Then there's getting older, which doesn't help but is sort of a separate thing.

I've been working through some family issues (mostly the golden child thing) and I'm probably guilty of see narcissists wherever I look. Its probably a bad sign that I conflate having any sense of self with a grandiose sense of self.

You got me there. :icon_bigg

I know I've been leaning on this forum too much for (at least what I see as) little problems/ the stuff a therapist should handle/ stuff a person vents to friends about.

Thanks again for your patience.

PC

 

It's always the obvious stuff, isn't it? I wonder how many people get caught up in the "be perfect or go home mindset" and just stay home.

What really bothers me is I don't notice it. I can tell when I'm being overly critical most of the time anymore. But this is like learning that the sky is green, not blue. Or that first week in January when everyone gets the date wrong. Clearly something I need to be more aware of.

I don't think you are leaning on this forum too much. Besides, I'd rather have you post than go dark again [/QUOTE]

Not sure where I would be without this place.

Thanks again.

PC

 

That's a fair point. I sent the guy a "guess this didn't work out but if you would still like to talk" sort of thing.

Also been trading messages with someone's who's out and clearly less of a flake. Have to see how that goes as well.

Life goes on. Can't just sit there and let it stall out.

Thanks again.