And yet another boring, tiresome post in which BMC77 whines about his problems. Feel free to tune out, just like one tunes out that tiresome rerun on TV Once again, went to an event last night. This event is one I've mentioned before that seemed to likely to end due to changes at the organization that had hosted it. Happily, though, it has gotten a second life--at least for the moment. Of course, I question if "happily" is the right word. Yes, a part of me is happy the event goes on. So are others. But the frustrations in my total inability to connect with others on anything more than a superficial level remain. I talked with only one person directly for any length of time. We often do chat. So that is somewhat of a success. But...a casual chat is not the same thing as having an actual friend. Others talked briefly. Usually: hello, nice to see you! as they made a beeline for the buffet table. Or I was tolerated as I stood on the sidelines as two people talked about one issue or other. At least, the dog I petted seemed friendly. Too bad I don't get along with my own species... Once again, I wish I could have a pet. :tears: And I got to see two men hugging. (Friend hugs. They are both married to women.) I am trying to remember the last time I was hugged by a man. Not this century, probably. Hugs, period, seldom come my way. Intellectually, I realize that this is the way it is. There is nothing to do, except accept it. Go the event when the event itself is of interest. Maybe someday someone else will show up who will be my First Friend in more years than I wish to think about. Meanwhile, I should keep trying to find something else. As draining as new environments are. As hard it has been to find stuff that is local, and costs $0. Nothing new to see or think about... Except this: I may be feeling lower than I have been. More hopeless. But I have been so low that I even have toyed with the idea of asking the event organizer if I come across as unlikable. (A bad thing to ask for a long list of reasons. One of which is the last thing I want is getting matched up to someone who'll put up with me out of pity. It may be lonely, but at least it's an honest loneliness. Not a superficial connection.) And joy of joys! I have two possible events to go to tonight. One is a church soup supper--free dinner! But they are finishing off the supper with a new thing at which we talk about our greatest challenge of the week. I can see how this one plays out: Me: I'm going through a period of extreme, soul crushing, lonely, isolation. Other person: you should go to church more often than just a few times a year! Me, after cracking: I gave this church two extended periods of attendence, and I emerged with the same zero friends I had before! Truthful, but not tactful. Another event is a business closing party. Several people last night suggested it, although it feels a little awkward going to such an event given that I never patronized that business. Plus, assuming crowds, it will likely be draining. And for what? A night of feeling tired, on top of this soul crushing lonely feeling?
Hi BMC77, I've read a number of your post and detect that you're not having a whole lot of fun but I just had to post and give you big kudos. I think if I felt the way you do, I'd never be able to go to all the events you are going to. Heck, I'm not going to them and I'm not in any sort of dark place. I think that now you seem to have this momentum in going to all these events, you should keep going because, you never know, that one person who you will click with might show up on the night you decide to stop going. Seriously. Big kudos! Just had a thought. Is there an SPCA around you? Dog pound or whatever you call it there. I wonder if they have volunteers who walk the dogs. It might be a way to get your pet fix and, let me tell you, when you're out with a dog way more people stop to talk to you than without an animal. I'm not kidding. Go to a dog park and see all the instant friendships that get started. Maybe not deep friendships but you automatically have something in common with each other. It's kind of like smokers. Ever see them huddled around a doorway chatting? Dogs are better than cigarettes. And over time, you never know. Anyways, I just wanted to say that I admired you for getting out there.
You need to find common ground with these people, and in order to do that you need to know what you'd like to talk about in the first place. What is it that you like doing, that interests you? It could be anything really... but once you know that you can test people if they like the same things you do, and that's a start, from where great discussions could grow. Once those become fairly regular, you'll have people you can consider to be friends with. But you shouldn't be afraid to go up to people and ask if they like something you do, or do something you find interesting. Just consider this... you've got nothing to lose, right? Hopelessness drove me to try things that could either push me downhill even more, or on the contrary... because I win either way.
Thanks! Although...a part of me feels like I should be doing more. More events=more chances to connect. But finding local $0 events is not easy, and then there is the whole problem of being an introvert... "Humane society" is the term I hear the most here. No, nothing near, and the nearest one is in an area where if someone stops to talk to you, they likely asking you to hand your wallet over. :lol: If I can do volunteer work--that decision is pending figuring out mere financial survival--I might consider some animal rescue. Indeed, one person even once suggested doing foster care. Although I'm not sure that would fly, given the run down wreck I live in. [BMC77 pauses to stare at the ceiling stained with marks from past roof leaks.] ---------- Post added 24th Feb 2016 at 03:28 PM ---------- One plus with the event I went to last night: there are some shared interests. So that gets us started. Problem is...it just never gets past idle cocktail party chit-chat.
BMC77, I agree with "Really" in that you are to be congratulated for getting out. Try to remember that people will find you interesting when you ask questions of them and come across as interested in them. Please get Dale Carnegie's book "How To Win Friends And Influence People". His advice is timeless.
Well, I went to both events last night. I can't say I really accomplished anything with my Make A Friend Project. But a free dinner was nice, and at least I was able to sit with someone willing to talk to me. And, oh, yes, I got to meet a new dog at the second event. It seems almost like I'm meeting more dogs than people these days... The only thing of note was I wore my PFLAG wrist band. Surprisingly, it was noted by someone at the church event, who asked me. I said a PFLAG item, and hinted at showing support for LGBT people. I suppose some would say I should have come out. Maybe. But I'm in a place right now where I don't feel compelled to do so, except if/when it seems relevant. Truth be told, I'm not even sure why I wore the wrist band--I seldom wear it, now. Maybe it was a thought of the second event. Maybe even a pitiful thought I've forgotten that there might be a gay guy to connect with there...
And once again went to an event last night. A bit depressing, because others there obviously have connections with each other. Some were talking about some social gathering they were going to, etc. And...making matters worse, I talked with a couple of people whom I casually know about their impressions of Seattle area. Both men are outsiders. And, of course, both said "Seattle itself is grueling, but it's been easy making friends here!" Gee...that makes me feel so much better about my inability to make friends. :dry:
I often feel the same way when I attend events with my gay dads group. I'm the newbie who just came out. Everyone but me has a partner, and they all know each other after years of being in the group. I feel like an outsider. To counterbalance this, I speak with the people that I know, and then try to meet at least 1 new person at each event. As an introvert, this is hard work, but I'm becoming part of the group 1 conversation at a time.
Ditto to what SiennaFire said. The sports group I go to has been around for years and everyone is (literally) on back-slapping terms with each other. You just have to accept the fact that relationship-building takes time. As we grow older don't we ourselves become cagey in admitting people to our "closer inner circle"?
Yes, relationship building takes time. Something I intellectually realize, although my Inner Three Year Old has tantrums because It Should Happen NOW!!!! That said...I'm frustrated because no matter what I do, I get zero results. Not even a casual friend to do stuff with. And adding insult to injury, one of the two people talking about how easy it is making friends in this area has only been here a short time. So I end up feeling like screaming in frustration in that he's had such luck, and meanwhile I--who have lived here longer, and have been looking for friends longer--have zilch. His luck is good enough that he's making life changes, which require thought, and he actually has a local friend to talk to about those, and bounce ideas off of. Of course, there is nothing I can really do, except keep trying. Find new places to meet people...while keeping the budget $0.
Hey, I feel your frustration. There's nothing worse than feeling powerless over your own life. I wonder if there is any aspect of your life where you feel like you can start to assert some control. Because it sounds like there is so much constraint everywhere. Specifically I'm wondering if there is anything you can do about your financial situation. Can you look for another job? Or find something to supplement your income? It might help you feel better about yourself, and take your mind off socializing for a bit. Also, not sure if you exercise but that is also something that helps tremendously. And there are usually local groups for most kind of activities, so you get to meet people as well. I've found that happiness in life comes from keeping promises to yourself. Today I planned to work out but I didn't, and I feel shitty. But on days when I do, I feel good. I feel good when I run a simple errand I had planned. Even making the bed or doing the dishes instead of procrastinating. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to start asserting control over your life. Socializing is a hard one, but maybe you can start really small and work your way up.
You are frustrated because no matter what you do, you are not achieving the results that you want. Harness your frustration and dissatisfaction to make changes in your life rather than turning it inwards on yourself. Instead of beating yourself up with the success of that one gentleman in meeting people, wouldn't it be more effective to recognize that you have an opportunity to learn from him? Perhaps he can offer you suggestions on what you could do differently to meet people in your area. I get the sense that you are stuck in the place where I was before coming out. I was in a cycle of negative self-talk created by beating myself up mentally and being overly deferential to others. Overcoming my pessimistic outlook was required to treat my depression. For me the key to breaking the cycle was working with a therapist to identify and modify these unproductive thought patterns and replace them with productive thought patterns. I have a feeling your inner child who wants instant gratification isn't going to like this, but it's been my experience that this is how one creates lasting change in their life.
Trust me, cash flow is one huge issue I'm considering. Although it has it's own frustrations in terms of options viable for the moment. And also perhaps for the long term. One person I've talked to endlessly--who used to work at a community college--has basically all but said the most I can ever hope for is enough to pay rent and buy groceries. And I hate every job I ever have, well, tough--many people do hate their jobs. ---------- Post added 3rd Mar 2016 at 02:53 PM ---------- I think I have figured out part of his success. A large part was the last position he held which brought him into contact with a lot of people. I'm not sure how I can apply that finding to my life--having any sort of position like his is not likely, at least not in the near future. (I mean "like his" in the sense that I'd have contact with people who might be potential friends, not in the sense of having the same exact sort of work.) I suppose another factor: he has a child, and so that gives him contact with other parents, etc. I have toyed with the idea of asking him for ideas, but not sure it's the best idea. It may be a vain hope, but I'm half hoping to be able to use him as a professional network connection. Having any discussion of my personal problems might, it seems, compromise that. Although we'll see. I'm giving it some thought. ---------- Post added 3rd Mar 2016 at 02:56 PM ---------- Not as much as I should. At one point, I was a fairly regular swimmer, although that didn't really get me much contact with others. At this point, I suppose I'd start walking again...if I can get the enthusiasm. A stretch when it might actually stop raining might help, too.
