Hello! I hate to say that I am coming out later in life because I'm only 35 and I feel like I have a long life ahead of me! However, I am classified as later in life I suppose. I am finishing my dissertation and I have started to take stock of my life as I prepare for the big transition out of school. I found a field I love and I'm really good at. I stopped working so hard (I was working too much) and started taking care of my mind and body. Everything is really lining up. Except my love life. I haven't dated in years and there is always some excuse. The truth is that I'm a lesbian and had some serious internalized homophobia. I had tried coming out when I was young, but I couldn't make the leap into the gay community because of this internalized homophobia. I have been on dates with women and had sex with women but I've never been able to publically say that I am a lesbian and pursue an open and honest relationship out of the closet. I am kind of a type A personality and when I see a project I want to accomplish I go out and do it. So this project is come out of the closet and get involved in the lesbian community. It is hard, but so is a PhD, dammit, and if I can do that I can conquer this homophobia and put myself out there to find a fulfilling relationship. I came out to my bestie last night, oh I should mention that I had previously identified as bi I guess cause it's safe, but I know that's not really true. Of course she was supportive and encouraged me to seek out a community. I have been looking up internalized homophobia and I can't find if there are any books or anything that discuss the issue in depth and how to get over it. If anyone could suggest a resource like that it would be really helpful! It's interesting because I used to kind of look down on women that had a more masculine or butch look. But now that I am ready to admit that I am gay I see projecting a masculine or butch identity as really brave and I really admire it. There is a lesbian social thing on Friday and I am trying to psych myself up to go. I'm scared because I won't know anyone there and I have an inner critic that is thinking things like what if I'm too much of a newbie to be accepted? If I'm not gay enough? Etc etc. a pep talk to get me to go to that would be great!!!! Thanks!!!!!
Hi MS001, Welcome to EC! I don't know of any book but I can relate to wanting to "study up" on these things. Browse around, there is a lot of good info in the forums. The posts by Greatwhale are a good place to start for advice. As for this event, you are definitely gay enough. (Where did this ridiculous idea of not gay enough start?) Go and report back how it went. That is your assignment. That should be up your alley. Extra marks for each girl you talk to. Anyways, keep reading and posting.
It is great that you have identified internalised homophobia as such a powerful negative force. I know many on EC will recommend Brene Brown books on shame and also her TED talks on YouTube I bet there is some other great reading to be had and some ECers will give you some recommendations here too.
Hi MS001, I can relate so much to your story, one difference is I'm male. The internalised homophobia has kept me back for the last 10 years and fuelled my depression and anxiety, fear and low self-esteem. Here is a link that may help to better understand it's power within us: Internalized Homophobia | Revel & Riot (*hug*) ---------- Post added 25th Feb 2016 at 01:53 PM ---------- Another good link is this: The Rainbow Project: Internalised Homophobia
I need to take a look at those links too, because I expect i have a bunch of it too that is keeping me confused and really trying to figure out my sexuality. i am 35 also, and it is funny because i feel SO BEHIND in the relationship department because of my confusion. It has stalled me for 13 years.
