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How and when to talk to my very young kids about me being gay

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by yeehaw, Feb 25, 2016.

  1. yeehaw

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    My daughter is 5, and has always been a language oriented kid--she is capable of taking and thinking about complex things. Recently she has been asking me (again) about why her dad and I can't/don't live together. Basically I have told her that I can't be healthy with us all living together--that my emotions can't be healthy. She understands that I don't mean my physical health. (My son is almost three, not a language oriented kid, and hasn't shown signs of noticing or thinking about things like other kids having two moms--I'm not really sure he would understand it or care right now.)

    I've started thinking about talking to my daughter about me being gay. She has a friend with two moms, and understands that some kids have two moms, some two dads, some have one parent, etc. I also have several gay friends, some of them coupled, some of them occasionally cuddly and affectionate with their partners when she's around. None of this phases her at all. When she plays she sometimes gives animals or babies two moms, and sometimes a mom and a dad. I don't think she knows the word gay, but I could tell her that some of the people she knows are gay--the ones where two women are a couple or two men are a couple--we could name names of people she knows and loves. And I could tell her that I'm gay and that's part of why her dad and I don't live together.

    Other details about our family--her dad and I had some pretty big problems in our relationship beyond me being gay, but me figuring out that I'm gay is what led me to want to leave, but I don't intend to talk to her about that (beyond saying that I can't be healthy living with him). I'm also quite certain her dad tells her he wants us to all live together but I won't let us. He for sure has sadly told me, in front of the children, that he wishes we could all live together. Also he often tells me he wants us to be married again (for the record, he filled for divorce and quite literally kicked me out of the house before I was ready to go, though I had told him I was intending to divorce him). And he DOES know I'm gay, I told him about two weeks after I figured it out--several months before I moved out.

    Does anyone have thoughts or suggestions about this? Good idea to tell her, not a good idea? Doesn't matter either way? People I work with mostly don't know I'm gay, but it seems inevitable that someday they will, I think I could handle it if she randomly told a co-worker. Most of her friends' parents are either not straight themselves or people who I'm pretty sure would be cool about it.
     
    #1 yeehaw, Feb 25, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2016
  2. Birdie145

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    Hi, she sounds a very bright little girl. Little kids will ask a questions, I found keeping it short n simple the best when they're young. You can get kids books to read together that'd help.
    Just be honest, the most important thing is she feels loved and it's safe for her to ask questions.

    Your husband is desperate, he's using the kids to try and manipulate you, I'm sure you can see that. He's hurting but that doesn't make what he's doing ok.

    Personally I'd ans things as she asks rather than sitting her down for a big chat. You could use play times to talk. Families come in a shapes and sizes, the most important thing is that kids feel loved and safe.
     
  3. Really

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    I don't have kids and don't know anything about them but from what you've described here, it sounds like a perfect time to tell her. She may not totally understand the implications of what gay means but she accepts it as part of her everyday world. The people she knows and loves, her toys, etc.

    Does she know that those same sex couples are made up of two gay people? I'm thinking if it's clear that each one is gay individually and that gay people pair up girl-girl and boy-boy when they find someone, you could follow up with how you are also a gay individual.

    My $0.02
    :slight_smile:
     
  4. yeehaw

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    Well, I kind of feel like she is asking--she keeps asking why we can't all live together.

    Me being gay is a BIG part of why I'm not willing to live with my ex. It's starting to feel a little bit, to me, like I'm leaving that part out--the part about the gay. And I'm for sure feeling hesitant to tell her that part, but I'm not sure if that's about her needs or mine. I'm starting to suspect that my hesitation is more about me not being fully out at work or to more casual friends and knowing that she looooves to talk about whatever is on her mind, with whoever is around, including adults she barely knows.

    Would I need to come out to more casual friends before my daughter? I for sure will not ask her to keep anything a secret. It is it ok to know she might tell people who don't know and I'll just handle it then if it happens?

    ---------- Post added 25th Feb 2016 at 02:40 PM ----------

    Good to hear, part of me thinks this too. I think the conversation could be casual and natural now. It feels a little scary to me though to lose a bit more control over who knows what about me. Also, she will probably talk to her dad about it and I'm a little worried about what he'll say if she does talk to him about it. Do I warn him ahead of time that we talked about it? And I'm pretty sure all of this fear isn't a great reason to wait, but it's making it hard for me to tell what's what.
     
  5. Distant Echo

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    I hate the fact that we need to come out at all tbh. But, personally, I would tell your daughter before your casual friends. Keep it very simple, make sure she understands that your friends in same sex relationships are gay, and that all it means is that you love women, not men, and that's one of the reasons why you and her father can't live together. That to live together, people should love each other, and you don't love her father in that way.
    As for the casual friends, they'll work it out. If she says something in front of them, so be it. Give your daughter priority over them.
    But be prepared to be outed to new people regularly. Anyone in your life who deserves to be there won't have a problem. And seeing your daughter unconcerned by it should help with any doubts they might have.

    Go for it. Just keep it very casual. It'll be a huge weight off your mind when she knows.
     
  6. MayButterfly

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    I applaud you for wanting to be honest! However I don't think at 5 she would truly understand what gay means. I think you could just say that you still love her daddy, if that is true, and if you are seeing someone you could say that you really really like being with girls and that maybe one day she could have 2 mommies and a daddy like her friends, and that is how you will be most healthy. And leave it at that until she asks more.

    When my daughter was around 7 we were at a beach in Delaware that is known to be gay friendly. Two boys who were clearly together were standing across the street and one had a purse. She says mommy look at those boys! I was gulping and planning I would say well you can't help who you love and it's OK, and don't judge them for being different.... And she says... The one has a really cute purse! And that was it. :confused: So I got all worked up for nothing!!! And now 7 years later I am about to tell her you can't help who you love, don't judge me.... :confused: but anyway...

    Your daughter has already seen it as not a big deal, maybe you wanting to love a girl like her friend won't phase her too much either. Really you never know what to expect with kids, but keep being honest!
     
    #6 MayButterfly, Feb 25, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2016
  7. Birdie145

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    Hi, no you can't put,that burden of keeping it a secret on her - kids always have a habit of saying stuff at inappropriate moments, that's just their innocence. Secrecy also shows shame & you don't want to convey shame.

    Just be honest, mummy & daddy aren't happy when you all live together but you're still a family & you both love her very very much.You could mention to her friends who are in same sex relationships, that you like girls but be careful how you word it with having your little boy. Kids can be a bit literal.

    You sound a lovely mum, mine would freak if I admitted anything to her. For me to imagine being in a family where I could be honest, my true self, be accepted no matter what would be incredible, this is the message you're giving your kids! WOW.
    See what situations present themselves and go with it. Post how things are going.