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Finally worked up the courage to ask for advice

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by CheekyGeeky, Feb 25, 2016.

  1. CheekyGeeky

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    Hi everyone. I have visited this site many times and read all of your brave stories dealing with your own personal situations. However, I have finally gotten to the point where I feel comfortable sharing my story and I really hope the community will be kind enough to share their opinions on what I should do next. I am in my mid 30s now, with my wife for 15 years this year. We have been married for most of that time and have 2 wonderful children together. Before she and I started dating, I had a short lived relationship with another man. It was far from anything I would call serious. In a lot of ways, it was a typical late teens-early 20s type relationship, everything was exciting and new, everything was far more physical than emotional. For me, it was my first and only experience with another man. Shortly after that relationship fizzled out, as those types of "romances" tend to do, I met the woman who became my wife, I wrote the previous relationship off as "experimentation" and ended up marrying her not much long after. I never disclosed my previous same sex relationship to her despite wanting to several times over the course of our relationship. My marriage has been pretty standard for the most part. We "get" each other, we never really fight much. The worst thing I can really say about it is that it can be very predictable. Throughout the years, I have occasionally felt fleeting attractions to other men, but I always wrote it off to just being bored in my marriage. These feelings tended to coincide with "dry spells" in our love life so I never thought much of it. That is until recently. A few months ago, we had a particularly long "dry spell", not really for any reason other than our busy lives not affording either of us the time or energy to make the time for intimacy. During this dry spell, it was like my occasional attractions were kicked into overdrive and would not go away. The strange thing is that no incident really set it off. I didn't meet a new guy that tickled my fancy, I wasn't exposed to anything different, it was just that something in me changed. Fast forward several months later and the attractions and urges have not abated. If anything, they have increased. My wife has not suspected anything, but I find myself torn. I want to, at the very least tell her where my head is at. My fear though, is that whether I tell her or not, the attractions and urges do not seem to be fading. I am now thinking that it is very possible that I might be gay or at the very least, bisexual. I just don't know what to do. I have moments where I want nothing more than to give in to the urges and go seek out a way to "scratch that itch" so to speak and at other times, I feel at peace with my situation and I can put it aside easily. Can anyone please help me figure out what I should do??? Sorry this post was so long. Thank you everyone.
     
  2. Adray

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    Hi CheekyGeeky, welcome!

    Don't worry about posts being too long, that's not a problem, and this is a safe place to talk.

    My advice is to not do anything right now that you might regret until you have taken the time to give yourself time to sort out your sexuality (as best you can). This is a great place to start on that, and I'm sure others will offer thoughts here as well.

    My path is a little different that yours, it's been pretty steady, bisexual. I think there are others here who have been in very similar situations to yours, I hope they can help some.
     
    #2 Adray, Feb 25, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2016
  3. Nickw

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    Hi Cheekygeeky

    I would add that a therapist may be very helpful here. I agree with Adray that you need to understand what is going on before you make life changing decisions.

    Good Luck
     
  4. CheekyGeeky

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    Thank you both so much for the solid advice. I have considered seeing a therapist as well, though, I am a little apprehensive about it since it may arouse suspicion in my wife. We usually talk about everything, you see, so her first response would be to want to help and talk with me about any issues I might be having. I do not think she is ready to find out about my same sex attractions though. I am still trying to figure out a way to make it work though. Thanks again!
     
  5. Chip

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    Hi and welcome. You're definitely in the right place.

    One of the things I can suggest first and foremost is to keep authenticity and openness with your wife... and that means being faithful too. Those are two of the most important pieces in navigating this.

    What I can also tell you is that your experience isn't unusual. It's not uncommon for men to have these fleeting feelings... which, over time, become stronger and then the full feelings start to emerge. If it's been happening for a while, it's unlikely it's just going to fade away, and if the experience of other men here are an indicator, it seems to be something that, over time, isn't so easily just put aside. So I would suggest it's something to explore now rather than put it off.

    As far as therapy... not knowing your wife and how much she'd pry, I'd think you could say you want to see a therapist because you've got some anxiety and stress going on that you'd like to talk to a professional about, and start it that way. I do think that telling her sooner rather than later is probably the better choice, but that, of course, is a judgment call and may take some time... you probably want to have some clarity for yourself before talking to her.

    As to where you are on the sexual orientation spectrum, that will likely take time to figure out. You could be mostly straight... you could end up mostly or completely gay... or somewhere in between. The best you can do now is simply be along for the ride, because whatever it is is hardwired and can't really be changed.

    I hope you'll stick around because talking about it is the most valuable thing you can do for yourself in coming to better understand what's going on for you.
     
  6. greatwhale

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    I cannot add much more to what Chip said above, other than I've been there and I know what you are going though.

    You came to the right place to explore, make no rash decisions, stay faithful, and in the interim try to break through the routine to explore what is going on in your marriage as well.

    We too often settle into routines, especially when kids are involved (sometimes putting the kids above the relationship with your wife), it is important sometimes to talk about where you both are in the relationship, how she feels about it (I don't doubt for a second that she will have noticed that dry spell too). And yes, seek counselling on how best to deal with this difficult conversation,

    All the best!
     
  7. Nickw

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    Cheekygeeky

    I am planning on telling my wife tonight about the therapy I started. That alone may freak her out. But, I will start the conversation with a confirmation of how much I love her, want to stay with her, and have not cheated on her. Hopefully, she will give me some space and not want to dig deeper right now. Thankful I did not cheat on her!
     
  8. CheekyGeeky

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    Wow, so much amazing heartfelt advice. Thank you all so much for the support, I really am humbled by the warmth and openness of everyone. For so long, I haven't talked with anyone about this subject. It felt like a dirty secret that I was ashamed and scared of. My problem has always been that I over think everything to the point where I end up freaking myself out. This whole situation has caused so much internal stress but for the first time, I feel some of that stress lifted. So thank you all. I will look into therapy and test the waters to see if me going to therapy might arouse suspicion in my wife. The more I think about things and feel really honest with myself and my thoughts and feelings, the more I feel like I more than likely am gay. At the very least, a therapist could help me affirm that and help me figure out what to do next. Thank you all again.
     
  9. Mr B

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    Hi CG,

    You just described my own story, apart from a few minor differences: 14 years together, two kids but not married, some limited same sex experiences in the past which she does not know about yet, gay urges becoming stronger.

    One of the main reasons I started therapy was as a way of telling her that I am struggling with 'something', i.e. my 'anxieties'. As expected, she freaked out a bit, but now got used to the idea.

    After a few sessions, its becoming clear that repressing one's sexuality comes at at huge mental and psychological cost, what also negatively affects your health, your work and your relationship to your kids. The effort to suppress your gay side is wasted energy that could be used for better things.

    I am getting close to the point of telling her something along the lines: "look, you know that I've started therapy because of my anxieties. There is actually a concrete reason for those, its the fact that I didn't tell you something important about me when we first met. I had gay experiences before meeting you, but I fell in love and was afraid you would ditch me if I told you about my past. I was naive in believing that I could 'choose' being heterossexual when all I doing was just repressing that side of me. It worked well fo some time to the point of it 'disappearing' from my conscious mind, however, it caused a lot of anxiety and depression I did not know the cause. I cannot live with this secret anymore and I am ready to face the consequences and if you want to separate from me, I fully understand. Whatever you decide, I will fully support you financially and share the parental responsibilities. I still love you and will be terribly sad if you decide to leave me, but I cannot switch off my sexuality, only repress it, what does come at a cost and I am afraid that if I don't get a chance to fully embrace and experience my gay side at some point, I will end up as a bitter, resentful and sad old man. I feel despair and hopelesness at the thought of never being able to fully experience life as a gay men during my lifetime. I hope you forgive me one day.'

    Thats just the plain truth, opening my heart, tell what I feel and face the consequences whatever they might be.
     
    #9 Mr B, Feb 27, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2016
  10. CheekyGeeky

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    Wow Mr B. Everything you wrote sounds almost eerily similar to how I have been feeling. It really is amazing that no matter how alone we may feel in dealing with these kind of situations, and no matter how much it might feel like no one could possibly relate at times, that it is actually just the opposite. Your words felt almost as if they were ripped straight from my own mind. Though you seem a little further along in your journey and a little more sure of yourself. If you do tell her your feelings, I wish you all the luck in the world. We all deserve to know true happiness. Thank you for opening up like that.
     
  11. CheekyGeeky

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    So, it's been another day since my last post and I find that all that I've done is get even more inside my head than I was before. For some reason, the thought of going to a therapist, even though I know it would be helpful is terrifying to me. It scares me because I have had multiple conversations with my wife in the past where I have mentioned that I didn't believe in therapy. A big reason for having that belief has to do with seeing other family members and family acquaintances go to therapy with little to no results. I'm willing to admit that having that viewpoint was wrong, but it does not change the fact that I already set the precedent of having that viewpoint. To change my mind now, to my wife, will seem like a very big deal. One that was brought on by a serious problem. While my current mindset one hundred percent fits that bill, I just can't clue her in to that fact. She is a very empathetic and caring person, she will want to know what is wrong, she will want to help. But she is just not ready to know. I'm not ready to tell her. I've considered finding a way to go without her knowing, but I can't think of a way to do that without her finding out. I know I need to speak with a professional. I know I need to find a way. I am confident that I will find a way at some point, I just hate all the anxiety I feel now.

    To add to this anxiety, all of my soul searching has me re-assessing moments in my life and where my head has been at in them. I know I love my wife, I know I am attracted to her, but is that attraction based physically or simply due to caring about her? Does it even really matter? Am I actually attracted to women at all? The more I think about it all, the more I feel like the answers all seem to suggest that i am actually gay. But then, of course, I just wonder if I'm just overthinking it all.

    This stress isn't fun, but I am confident that I will figure things out eventually.
     
  12. Nickw

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    Cheekygeeky

    I felt the same about the therapy. I decided I needed it too much and that I would tell my wife about it later (after two sessions was my timeline). One of the first tasks with the therapist was to work through the process of letting my wife know I was in therapy.

    I told her this weekend about the therapy. She was blindsided and wanted to dig deeper. I almost went there but stuck to my script.

    I was taken aback that she was unaware of my struggles and this caused me to become hurt and angry. I was not prepared for that. So, be prepared for some unanticipated reactions.

    I do not know how it feels to discover same sex attractions in mid-life. I went through this in my youth when I tried supressing it, then embracing being gay and finally accepting that I was bi. So, the emotions are, likely, a lot different. But, I would be very careful in deciding you need to label yourself right now. Or, how your life will change. You really need, first, to get to an understanding of yourself. Don't skip steps!
     
    #12 Nickw, Feb 29, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 29, 2016
  13. CheekyGeeky

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    Hi Nick, thank you for your advice. Actually, I am not just now discovering same sex attraction either. As I mentioned in my first post above. I was actually in a short lived same sex relationship right before meeting my wife. At the time, I wrote it off as curiosity and went back to dating a woman because it was what I thought I was supposed to do. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife and I wouldn't trade my children for anything in the world, but that does not erase the past. In the years since then, I have had attractions to other men but always shrugged them off in the same way I shrugged off my same sex relationship all those years ago. This feels different now. I'm not trying to label myself, necessarily, I'm just trying to figure out what feels "most correct" to me. I'm not actually acting in any way, just thinking quite a bit. I wouldn't consider that "skipping steps", necessarily, just trying to see the issue from different angles. I am well aware how acting on these feelings, even by simply voicing them to my wife could change everything and how it could affect my life in ways that can never be changed back. That is why I am thinking and overthinking so much about all of this. As the old expression goes, "measure twice, cut once". Well, with this, I'm just measuring as many times as I can to decide if I even want to "cut", so to speak.
     
  14. I'mStillStanding

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    CheekyGeeky,

    I just joined this awesome group on Sunday morning when I could not sleep. I'm 27 and have been married 6 years. I'm starting therapy tomorrow and my wife is also a person who likes to help, so I sat down and told her I was going to therapy. She asked and I told her I've been struggling with this depression and everything is jumbled. I ask for some space and promised to bring her in as soon as I sorted some stuff out. She got worried but knew this was not something that I would normally do so she is giving me space.

    I have told my mom and sister and they are shocked. They are like no your not you're confused. If I was gay they would have known. I've liked a lot of girls... I was like you guys don't really understand the whole idea of being in the closet...

    I also have explained my homosexual attractions as things like self-esteem issues... I've said to myself I don't want the guy I want to look like that... Crazy what I believed to avoid being honest. I'm struggling with the over analyzing things. But I knwo I love my wife. I know I'm not in love with her that way. And I am gay. Now that I have said that I can't go back to the fake life I lived before. It's not fair to me or her. I will tell her as soon as I can get everything straight (or rather un-straight) in my head.

    I don't have words if wisdom just. I only have hope that EC can help me as I walk this path. And knowing there are people like you going through the same thing as I am gives me the support to do that.

    Good luck!