Came out to husband....again..sucked

One of the hardest things about being trapped is that the longer it goes on the harder it is to come out as well as the harder it is to have partners and friends and family accept it.

As much as he wants to be with you it seems, you equally have the same right to be happy in your own way. But remember sometimes making yourself happy makes others unhappy. I find this to be the case with those who come out later in life.

I sort of had the same experience with my parents. I imagine if I was still in a relationship I would have the exact same problems being in the closet with them.

All I can say is I understand your loneliness as well as the desire to live in the open.

 

So, if it's just about sex - according to him - in a safe space for discussion, ask him if he feels he could have the emotional connection with a man and simply forego the sex because he's straight. If possible, this might be something to discuss in a therapy setting, because you need to be in a place you can be safe. I'm not suggesting he's violent or aggressive, but I do know that emotions can get heated in these discussions.

You're also very right, that you each deserve that connection and because you are a lesbian, it's not something you can achieve with him nor can he achieve it with you. It's as much an incompatibility as anything else.

We (society) throw around the word selfish as an insult. If we are truly selfish, we are taking care of ourselves. If we take care of ourselves, we are better to take care of others and the world around us. True selfishness is also selfless. It's incredibly hard to see that, especially when selfish has a negative connotation.

Best wishes.

 

(*hug*) You are not alone. It's a hard thing to do to take care of ourselves. But we are with ourselves the most, so we should make ourselves number one. Life is too short to not be happy.

My husband believes "this person" keeps telling me what I want to hear, and that I am having a mid-life crisis and that we can rekindle what we had. He also believes that a therapist and/or God can fix and forgive this "sin." It is very painful to hear, but the major reason I am unhappy and want to leave is because he has ignored my feelings for so long that I felt I was never a priority and it has made me very sad and lonely and I don't want my kids to remember me like that. Loving a woman is not the main reason. If I did not know the depth of feeling I could have for a woman, I would not be on this site and I would try to rekindle. But that isn't how things are. And he keeps making me say the words, and then we go back to pretending nothing is wrong, and then we have a painful discussion again. It's exhausting.

I look for quotes a lot to help me, and currently this is my favorite: People can walk on your path with you, but they can't walk it FOR you.

You are doing the best you can right now trying to figure it all out. You are not a bad person. I also want to suggest you read anything you can find by Cheryl Strayed. She is a very empowering writer who has had many bad things happen in her life but has learned to just basically BE and not allow guilt or what other people think keep her from being true to herself.

 

You are not alone.
I´m just a step behind you. Married with three kids. Husband knows nothing.
I feel like I can´t leave the secure life I have.
And it´s about so much more than sex. It´s about being yourself, leaving the lies, feeling comfortable with your partner. And keeping this all inside just leads to other problems.

I admire you for taking this huge step. Hope I´ll be able to. Sooner than later.

(*hug*)

 

I just wanted to tell you I can empathize with your situation. It sounds so similar to my own. Married 20 years. Two kids. Looking back I've always known I was a lesbian. I came out to myself in September, and to my husband shortly after. Husband says I'm just labeling myself that because it neatly explains why I never fully committed to our marriage or been that into sex. (Ummm...isn't that kind of the whole point?) He thinks I am choosing to be a lesbian, and that since I was once attracted and in love with him, those feelings can come back. Never mind that he's the only man I've ever even been able to think about in that way...and not at all now that I'm out to myself....
We have also had the "stay together with no sex" discussion, but like you said, we both deserve to love and be loved completely.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. This is harder for me than the passing of my mother, but I got through that, and we will get through this. When I look into the future, I see myself living without hiding who I am. I know that eventually I will get through this pain and come out of it stronger and able to embrace the life I was meant to live.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and know you are not alone.

 

We put so much stock into what our husbands tell us and let them guide us through many years, sometimes half of our lifetime! What we don't put stock into or listen to is our own voice.

Somewhere, somehow you will eventually find a meeting spot between your thoughts, words and actions, but it may take a lot of time. In the meantime my advice is to listen to yourself more and others less, even though it is really hard if you're out of practice. It also seems selfish but is it more selfish to ask someone to stay with you when they don't feel the way you do as your husband seems to be doing?

This isn't a men bad, woman good post. I just want you to feel what is going on inside you, and it may take many months or years to sort it all out. We are on the later in life forum after all, so there are long term patterns to look at and see if they fit who we really are.