I have to have the "talk" with my mom. I am planning it for Wednesday and I am sooooooo not looking forward to it. I am pretty confident that she is not going to take it well. Not because she is very homophobic, but because she is going to have to mourn the loss of her unfulfilled expectations. That I would settle down with a man, have children, and do the whole white picket fence in the suburbs thing. I know her, she is my mom, and the mom that she has been to me is a mom that cannot put the emotional needs of her child in front of her own. On one level I accept that, on another level I find it infuriating/depressing. Having expectations out of other people is universal to the human experience. I have the expectation that my mom will be warm and supportive, even though she has never ever been that way. Every time the shit really hits the fan and I need her support, she disappoints me. And every time that happens I promise myself I will write her off and just have a superficial relationship with her but I can never live up to that promise because I inherently want to have a mom that is loving and supportive even though I know those are the two things my mom will never be. Or, better said, she can be loving and supportive, temporarily, on her own terms when it suits her. I can't remember the last time she did that when I needed her to do it, like when I was in tough straits. I am scared about having the coming out conversation with her because the first time it happened, when I was 13 or so, and she ask me about being gay in a confrontational way, she was such a massive asshole about it. I anticipate a similar reaction again. And while it is not going to destroy me with shame like it did when I was a kid, it is going to be another nail in the coffin of my dream of having a loving and supportive mom. So just as an example of what a massively mean bitch my mom can be. I had a half sister, her step daughter, that committed suicide a number of years ago. I had a really tough time with it and dealt with it really bad. I ended up getting really depressed and suicidal myself. I wrote about my suicidal ideation in a journal. When I was at my parents' house visiting, I forgot the journal on the dresser of my childhood bedroom. My mom found it and read it. I would expect a normal mother who read that her child was contemplating suicide to get really concerned, or freak out with fear, but at the very least ASK HER CHILD IF SHE WAS OK! My mom did not do that. Instead, the next time we had a fight she threw it in my face. She told me something like I am not so perfect, and she read in my journal that I wanted to kill myself, and basically shamed me ABOUT FUCKING BEING SUICIDAL. AFTER HER STEP DAUGHTER HAD KILLED HERSELF. Seriously, what the fucking fuck! Phew. Obviously I have a shit ton of residual anger at my mom. But the thing is, the only reason I felt like I had a fire burning under my ass now to come out was because recently it has seemed perfectly logical that either I am going to come out or I am going to kill myself. Ironically, lately I am not depressed even in the slightest and am the happiest I have ever been about my life. My life is great and I have an extremely bright future ahead of me. After tons of therapy I am able to reliably process my feelings in a healthy way, I have rich and rewarding relationships with my friends, and have lots of wonderful personal and professional opportunities ahead of me. Nevertheless, if I don't come out the inability to pursue a mutually fulfilling and public romantic relationship with a woman is seriously going to drive me to kill myself. And i really don't want to do that. So the logical thing is to come out. ALL of my friends and ALL of my family that is under the age of 70 are liberal and open minded and not one of them will give me a hard time when I tell them that I am lesbian. And the work I have been doing to unpack my internalized homophobia has made me grow leaps and bounds in the blink of an eye. It is really amazing. So yeah, I am pissed at my mom. Not the best way to feel before you lay down the law and say, "I'm gay, and you know that to be true. It is time we stopped pretending I am not gay and I am going to live an authentic life...with or without you." Uuuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhh this suuuuuuuuuuuucks!
Wow. That does suck. I don't know if this will help you at all but his video by Dan Savage about coming out to parents is, I think, very insightful. I can't explain it well enough to do it justice but needless to say, it's very good. See what you think. (It's not just for kids.) [YOUTUBE]TxAa2Hd7q8k[/YOUTUBE]
When I came out to my mom, persistence was key. You've got to stress your point and defend your position. It's like reading a persuasive essay you wrote for English class out loud, except without actually writing an essay. You have to be prepared to argue and defend you point. My mom is similar, and I haven't gotten anywhere with her, however I made her acknowledge who I am and what my plans are. I, however, didn't come out in the best of ways and it didn't really end the way I wanted it to. I would recommend avoiding raising your voice if she raises her voice, be passive. But in the end, persistence is the key and maybe a little blackmail or guilt trip wouldn't hurt either. Apply some, not a lot, of pressure it can do you well. Show that you're in control of the situation and point out the facts. Get your point across. Try to remain on topic, don't stray away from your point. Act like you're the president giving a speech to a crowd of reporters, say what you have to say and answer a few questions and that should be the end of it. The crowd (your mom) may not be happy, but there's nothing they can do about it, in reality. Your mom may not be happy, but she can't change who you are. Also try this, "It's like a bus or a train, you either get on it while it's at the station or you don't, there won't be another." That's what I said to my mom, and I feel it made her think about it. Try multiple approaches. Try compassion, empathy, persistence of course, and if worst comes to worst, aggression. I recommend that you avoid aggression at all costs though, it can backfire and completely nullify your words in your mom's mind. Best wishes! <3 (*hug*)
If she doesn't like you, or even cares about you, and besides is homophobic, why are you still talking to her?
Have you ever met a foster kid? I had a friend in foster care when I was young. Even the most abused foster kids still want their parents' love and approval. It's rough. As much as I hate to admit it, I do want the same thing. I do live with her.
Thanks for explaining such things to me. However our ideas of family are only based on how family is seen by the time, age and culture we live in, but to explain that would take a wall of text, and probably a long discussion between you and me, and I'm not up to the task right now... I'm more of the opinion that love and respect is earned, otherwise you are risking your heart and sanity. Chance/luck/life sent you some strangers you call 'family'. You wouldn't try to desperately get along with a stranger that is not 'family'. Genetic coincidence doesn't seem to be a reason valid enough to grant anyone any kind of privilege, but it took some time and experiences to reach this. No, there is nothing wrong with wanting approval from others, as long as that's not what sustains your own self approval. That has been proven to be the equivalent of playing russian roulette or william tell, but some live for the thrill. You live with her? Then it's not like you have a choice... I'm sorry about your situation, I hope someday you can have a choice with whom you associate and why Take Care, I wish you the best
