The Myth of bisexualty

I'm bisexual. I am queer. I am not gay. I am not lesbian.

Please don't erase me. Don't tell me who I can find beautiful, or turned on by, or have sex with. Don't tell me who I can love.

I am complex. I get that. Aren't we all?

Feel free to ask me about my experience. But, don't tell me what you think my experience is, or what it's not.

 

Perfectly said and worded. I don't need to make a comment!

 

Please, for the love of all the gods, Chip, tell me what other words this baby-bi isn't allowed to use here.

 

Hi Chip,

To begin... I am more than willing to admit that I'm prone to feeling dramatic and emotional these days. And, hey... if the shoe fits, and a person is wearing the shoes, she needs to admit it. So, sure. I'm willing to accept that I could have used a different word.

But, is it inaccurate? If we examine the quote I was responding to, it stated "In my opinion, someone who gets turned on by the thought of having sexual interactions with someone of the same sex is gay, period." I took this quote to mean my same-sex attractions mean I'm gay. Period. But, I'm not.

What if we also examine the words "erasure" and "disrespect"... using the dictionary. I went with Mirriam Webster.

Erasure is defined as ": an act or instance of erasing", and erasing is defined lots of ways, but the transitive verb is defined this way: " a : to remove from existence or memory as if by erasing; b : to nullify the effect or force of". Saying my same-sex attractions make me gay certainly has the effect of removing from existence the possibility I also experience opposite-sex attractions, which make me bi. It also nullifies the force of being able to use the word "bisexual" to identify who I am. And, part of my very recent journey has been to acknowledge that these feelings I have, these desires, are even real. I've tried rejecting them, myself. When I see them rejected here, in one of the safe spaces I have, it really hurts.

Wait. I'm getting emotional again. I'll try to reign it in.

Disrespect, as a transitive verb, is defined this way: "1: to have disrespect for; 2: to show or express disrespect or contempt for". Certainly, yes. Saying my same-sex attractions make me gay, as opposed to allowing those attractions to be part of my bisexual identity, shows disrespect. What's disrespectful about the statement I was responding to is *exactly* that it states there is only one identity that can claim same-sex attraction. Period.

I believe there are many identities that can claim same-sex attraction.

I have experienced, in five short months, a tiny bit of disrespect. I have experienced a much higher incidence of being told my identity doesn't exist.

I *know* what the research says. I turn to it for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes, it's to figure myself out. Sometimes, it's to find confirmation I'm legitimately able to claim a label that was hard enough in the first place to accept, and now feels like an important piece of accepting who I am.

I had no idea the word erasure is overused, and I don't have a problem using the word disrespect in relation to the quote. However, I am a bit frustrated that I can't also use the word that seems to best fit how I interpret my feelings about something that was said.

My intention wasn't "solely to be dramatic and emotional." It was to point out precisely how I feel. And, my feelings in relation to that quote are MUCH more accurately defined as erased than disrespected.

But, I am here to learn, as well as to process my feelings. So, what other words should I avoid?

 

Wow Why would someone Be so disrespectful everybody got the choice on what they like and if you like both imo that's okay

 

It's erasure because a lot of bi people feel pressured to become invisible by taking on the identity of one side or the other depending on circumstances. It makes perfect sense and I don't see why you have a problem with the word, Chip. Its a word and it means something completely seperate from just disrespect. Plenty of people, supportive and unsupportive of me like to simplify me into a lesbian at times... it's not really disrespectful like saying "all bisexuals are sluts" or something, it just sort of wipes one side of me out of existence. So yeah, that's what erasure is. I like what you usually say, Chip, but I disagree with you here, I think the word is quite appropriate. Maybe dramatic yes, but it just means something different from disrespect.

Reading that article I was sort of dwelling on how they said bisexuals suffer from more anxiety and depression and such... that resonates with current me (literally just had to delete a whole anxious rant from this post).

UPDATE: Wow, it took me so long to write and edit this post right down becuase I was getting all emotional about bi struggles, and how I feel so pressured to fit into a binary box that I daren't open up to people close to me about everything that makes me emotional because they want to tell me that I'm confused, and thats why I resonate so much with the anxiety/depression thing, but then deciding that nobody wanted to hear it, that WanderingMind wrote that whole extra amazing post. It defined everything that I had to say properly and made me feel better about getting all dramatic and emotional, as you always do, WanderingMind. You're like my rock on here right now <3 xxx

 

For a gay admin on an LGBT friendly website, this is staggeringly insenstive. You sound like old academia having a problem with the new, more refined academia replacing its outdated ideals. Like an indignant Freudian armchair psychologist.

Its like whites telling blacks how they can and can't feel towards racism. Or straights telling gays and lesbians how they can and can't feel towards homophobia.

Certainly, things can become exaggerated.

But erasure? Erasure is a relatively reasonable word. Nevermind the fact that currently bisexuals still so rarely even get a chance to whip it out and defend ourselves with it. Our voices are often squashed before they are heard.

In terms of definitions, WanderingMind already laid that down. Someone calling me "lesbian" or "straight," depending on who I date, is most certainly not just disrespecting me, but going the extra step to erasing part of my identity. When you treat something as though it doesn't exist though it very well does, you erase it. That concept is neither difficult to understand, nor hyperbole.

Also, if gays and lesbians can be acceptably passionate and emotional about their identities and still recieve much less criticism, I then reserve the right to be passionate and emotional about my identity.

 

*snigger* I agree. Common decency is easily forgotten these days.

 

Nice avatar! I was actually going to whip out LOK as an example for bi erasure, but decided against it.

I just want to clarify that I'm not trying to demonize Chip, and I'm sure he's done right by the forums multiple times. But, what he's said is insensitive.

ON a similar level, saying you feel sorry for "gays and straights" can also be insensitive too. And I know you're just joking...but a gay person might not take to kindly to that joke...

I mean the whole thing today is everyone is always saying "everybody's too sensitive!" But, are they really? There are just some things out their that are obviously offensive, some statements that might be made either out of ignorance or innocence, but are so obviously offensive they should be put down immediately. And some people now try to pass off those statements as passing remarks, or "you shouldn't take it so personally," but...that doesn't make any sense.

And I'm not trying to attack you either, Nickw! Just writing my thoughts.

And don't worry. Even at the age I am, I at first felt like a pervert, or like something was extremely wrong with me when I discovered I was bisexual. And to top it off, at the time I realized I was, I hadn't known what bisexuality was, and had felt very out of place and like a freak.

But it's all good now and like you, even as a young person, I don't wish to change who I am!

 

I read what Mr B wrote and cringed. I agree wholeheartedly. He needs to expand his horizons and get to know bisexuals a little more. While he says he's not intending to be biphobic, everything about what he's saying IS biphobic...smh :bang:

 

while i get and respect your point Chip, i have faced the Bi does not exist, pick a side, either gay or straight and it's black and white type deal. and i've gotten most of that from gays. and it does feel like you've been erased, that someone took white out to th B in lbgt. so while it may get somewhat over used it is still real. especially for those of us who have been on the wrong end of it, it is still highly disrespectful none the less.

 

Holy.......___________ing God!!

this is the erasure we've been talking about, your only transiting, your deconstructing what was dumped on you by society, you'll be fine when you get a man, or if you get a woman you were straight all along, :bang::bang::bang::***::tantrum::eusa_doh: yes that was emotional.:dry:

it's bad enough to get it from the hetro world, but to get it from the lgbt community as well is, disheartening to say the least.:icon_sad: