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Well that answers that.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Pathetic Coward, Feb 29, 2016.

  1. Pathetic Coward

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    Just got back from a coffee date turned drinks at his place.

    Yep. Not straight.

    The bad: he's out of my league. He's a high achiever living that sort of life. I'm not.

    The good: he's out of my league. Between that and the age (at/almost at "too much older") most of the pressure (in general) is off.

    What we have in common: "Are there no sane gay people in this town?" and,well, :icon_redf

    To be honest I see it boiling down into friends + whatever. Which is probably ideal.

    So one less excuse between me and living a real life. Blah. I should be very happy or at least content but now I'm feeling a raging sense of inadequacy + I gotta get on with my life. Bleh. Nothing worse than changes for the better. :lol:

    PC
     
  2. nerdbrain

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    Hey, sounds like you made a friend! That's not such a bad deal.
     
  3. SiennaFire

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    PC,

    This is great to hear :thumbsup:

    I don't think that you should disqualify the possibility of seeing him again because he's a high achiever. It's quite possible that he sees a sane, real person in you that is refreshing to him. Even if you don't end up dating because of the age difference, friends + whatever could be a great outcome for you.
    While the desire to better yourself is a good thing, I hope the raging sense of inadequacy is not another manifestation of that dreaded club!
     
    #3 SiennaFire, Mar 1, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2016
  4. Pathetic Coward

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    That's solid advice. My only concern is this a bit too safe, really, as with proper dating off the table I don't have any reason to be out (it's not "real dating" as I'm not the type he can introduce to his friends, imho).

    Not quite. More, "crap I've got work to do," and "holy crap, how far have I let things (life) slide?"

    It looks to be a long trip back from being nothing, nowhere (which is what I was doing).

    My concern is this current thing backfiring somehow. I'm trying to stay realistic without being pessimistic (harder than it sounds). But nothing ventured, nothing gained.

    Today is the first time I can think about not being straight without any form of shame or anger. My fear is that when this ends (all things do) I'll be more of a wreck than I was before. But that's just doubt talking, I think.

    Thanks again.

    PC
     
  5. SiennaFire

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    If the friendship leads to a hookup, then there's still value in the activity (unless something already happened when he invited you back to his place for drinks). Ultimately this is your call, but I just wanted to make sure you considered the possibility. In any event, it's always good to have non-straight friends.
    Sounds like you are examining your life and realize that you have some catching up to do, which is goodness.
    Congratulations on accepting yourself. This is huge. You've come a long way towards authenticity over the past few weeks. Even though you may not see it yet, I feel that you have built up too much momentum to go back to being the old you. Even if you were to experience a setback, it would only be temporary and you'd pick yourself back up and continue where you left off.
     
    #5 SiennaFire, Mar 1, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2016
  6. CameronBayArea

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    Since shame continues to be a hurdle for you, why not use this friendship as a way to become more comfortable with yourself?

    Maybe a relationship at this time wouldn't be a great idea, but a friend (with or without benefits) might be perfect. Explore, have fun, connect, test yourself; be open to new feelings and experiences...see what happens. As long as your expectations are rock bottom, you're pretty much guaranteed to be pleased if anything good happens.
     
  7. Pathetic Coward

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  8. SiennaFire

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    This is by far the most telling statement in your previous post because I believe that it demonstrates that you are entering a second adolescence (!) :thewave: (!!)

    Regardless of what happened between the two of you, you saw an opportunity and went after it instead of making excuses not to. This is huge progress. Now that you are in the dating game, don't forget that it's a numbers game. You'll need to meet a few guys before you find one that you truly click with. If you can have some fun along the way, then be sure to enjoy the journey as well.

    It's unrealistic to expect that you life will magically transform after 1 sexual encounter. It's important to continue to do the things that you find scary, and you are seeing results build upon each other. You ordered and read The Velvet Rage. You started online dating and arranged to meet guy #1 for coffee. He flaked, so you had coffee with guy #2, which lead to a friendship and going back to his place for drinks and more.

    The transformative aspects are non-linear. Realistically it usually takes a few wins before a breakthrough occurs. You saw some improvement in your desire to tidy up your house after you arranged coffee with guy #1. It appears that you are entering your second adolescence now.

    Keep pushing ahead and sharing your thought process on EC, and you'll get to where you want to go.
     
    #8 SiennaFire, Mar 2, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2016
  9. PatrickUK

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    The process of meeting someone who is gay and sharing coffee, honest conversation and whatever else you choose with them is a sign of progress PC. It may only be a small step, but it's an important one and you can and should take something from it.

    The dating game is far from perfect and you may have some ups and downs along the way, but you need to keep at it to get something out of it. Even if you don't click with someone you can try to remain on friendly terms with them and build up a social circle. The main thing is to avoid despondent or defeatist thoughts. Keep on keeping on.
     
  10. Pathetic Coward

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    As true as that is it is partly what I expected. I've made a fresh appointment with the same therapist I saw before. To be honest I think this was in the way of my dealing with other things and now that I can't deny that I'm not straight (not quite ready for labels but such is life) I can't use one "problem" as an excuse to avoid others.

    I've got a blood sibling with schizophrenia and I've spent almost as many years telling myself "I'm not crazy" as "I'm not gay." I've never had an episode or saw things that weren't there (been around said sibling right before hospitalization -- it is very easy to see how older cultures believed in spirit/demon possession and the like. They are two different people) but it really kept me away from dealing with things.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Mar 2016 at 09:47 PM ----------

    That's something I need to get into the habit of, clearly.

    Thanks again, everyone.

    PC
     
    #10 Pathetic Coward, Mar 2, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2016
  11. MS001

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    Why would he be out of your league if he is a high achiever? I am a high achiever and would prefer not to pair off with another high achiever because from what I have seen of my fellow high achieving friends, the relationships that have the most balance (if one person is a high achiever) are those in which the other person is less hyper driven and more laid back. When I see two high achievers together, they can (but not always) become competitive or drive each other to work way too hard. Two alphas are kind of a pain in the ass. Lol
     
  12. I'mStillStanding

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    Sometimes addressing people by name here is hard. I feel awful saying Pathetic Coward. Anyway, I have to say I'm a bit jealous lol. The chance to sit down and have coffee with someone who understands what I'm going through would be a relief, but not being out (especially to my wife) I can't go out. But I got to say (while it's a while away) the idea of trying to date is terrifying to me. Years of self loathing really kinda impacts one's self-esteem, who knew. But I think it's so cool and inspiring to read about you putting yourself out there to experience this. Thanks for sharing :wink:
     
  13. Pathetic Coward

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    Your point is rational and well taken. I think the problem is my ego combined with the nature of the area. The first is me being self centered, which I can work on, the second not so much. To be honest I'm happy with the setup, at least at the moment.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Mar 2016 at 08:18 AM ----------

    The name is awful and attention seeking, no doubt. I grabbed it in a moment of self loathing and now it's more a reminder of who I'm not. I'm looking forward to the day when I'm fully out and can be the "artist formerly known as Prince PC."

    And yes, it is terrifying. But the "good kind" lol.

    PC
     
  14. SiennaFire

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    This is great news :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap You'll discover that as you make progress in one area, that it may lead to unexpected progress in another.

    Have any plans for the weekend?
     
    #14 SiennaFire, Mar 3, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2016
  15. Pathetic Coward

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    "Progress" feels a bit like juggling chainsaws at the moment, lol.

    No real plans. It doesn't help I work nights and have my days off early in the week. So the weekend for me doesn't start till Monday morning. :slight_smile: I've built a real hermit style life that probably is the next thing I need to change.

    That said we've (meaning he and I) have loose plans for early next week.

    Odds are I'll putter around the house/clean and try to avoid googling all the conditions found in first degree relatives of schizophrenics. The internet can be a hypochondriac's candy store if you're not careful.

    I've got this nagging fear that I'm going to end up referred to a psychiatrist aka get the "crazy" stamp put on my forehead. That's not a rational view of what's really going on but some fears simple don't listen to reason.

    PC
     
  16. SiennaFire

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    Great to hear that you have loose plans with your friend next week. I wonder if that's a double entendre:slight_smile:

    Be sure to have an agenda of what you want to work on when you visit the therapist to help direct the direction of the therapy.

    I did a quick search on google about first degree relatives of schizophrenics and while your risk is greater than the general population, the odds of your being diagnosed are 6.5% according to Wikipedia. Furthermore, onset typically occurs earlier in life. Therefore it appears unlikely that your fear of getting the "crazy" stamp will materialize.

    Might I suggest a new direction for your internet searches? How about gay eye candy?
     
    #16 SiennaFire, Mar 4, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2016
  17. Pathetic Coward

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    Trying to keep the inner teenager in check, thank you so very much.


    Sent him an email yesterday outlining that I had to deal with "I am not my brother/his illness isn't mine" or therapy would never be of use to me. Doesn't help we had a real good son/black sheep deal going on when we were young. Made it clear he needed to bring it up as I'm more or less afraid to.

    It is an irrational fear. No doubt about it. All or nothing thinking taken to the Nth degree. Aka I'm either sane or just like my sibling. That's not helpful when trying to work past normal life stuff.

    My inner teenager thinks that's a great idea. But my outer adult says it's time to clean windows. Blah. Being an adult is lame. :lol:

    Thanks again.

    PC
     
  18. SiennaFire

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    There's a certain ambiguity in your first post in this thread. When I first read this, I thought you were talking about your friend. As this thread has evolved and you disclosed what else happened at his place, I'm beginning to wonder if you were talking about yourself. Would you mind clarifying the bolded statement?

    ---------- Cool I can create a customized visual separation between posts ----------

    Either activity is fine as long as it keeps you away from hypochondriacal internet searches.
     
    #18 SiennaFire, Mar 5, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2016
  19. Pathetic Coward

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    Note/forward: This question really tripped up something I've dodged a bit. I hope not to offend. Guess it is what it is.

    I meant me, sorry. I think a lack of sleep + distraction has left me a bit brainless at the moment. My straight card is so gone. I still have problems with the word gay, sometimes, even if it fits the best. Even if there's a huge weight off my person knowing that I'm far more attracted to the person I've been seeing than I have any girl/woman in my life.

    It's probably mental gymnastics on my part. Not healthy but if helps to keep the ball rolling then it's something I shouldn't stop and think about too much.

    At the risk of being a chauvinist I think I am at least superficially some level of bisexual or women wouldn't :***: me off so much sometimes. I just can't escape the impression that to be seen as gay -- by a woman -- equates to emasculation. And they are attractive, some days. Some times.

    (Cut out what was the start of a pointless rant about pointless things).



    ---------- Cool I can create a customized visual separation between posts ----------



    ^Clever.

    No pointless rumination for me. Been there, done that (a hundred times in a row :lol:slight_smile: so it can wait.

    I've noted a real change in my mindset of late. Part of the reason I left therapy was when he asked "what do you want?" meaning from life/so on and I said I didn't want anything. I remember him "mocking" me about it (at least that's how it felt at the time) by asking "you don't want anything?"

    To be fair he was mocking the answer, not me, because it is rather defeatist. I mumbled something about how anything I did want didn't seem possible at this point in life.

    I don't feel that way now. Now the things I want or need are reason enough. And I want to get a life and all the things I've missed out on. I want to get out there and live on my own misguided terms. I want to be a validation junkie for a while.

    That's part of the reason I need to put the mental health fears to bed. There's a big difference between flaky and crazy and I know if I don't do the work on myself I need to do I'll end up a statistic to one bad habit or another (sex/booze/whatever).

    I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I guess that's fine too.

    Thanks again.

    PC
     
  20. SiennaFire

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    Apologies, my intent was not to push you for a label. I wanted to get clarification whether the statement "Yep. Not straight." applied to you or him. The label can come later. I'm glad that you recognize that you are far more attracted to the person you've been seeing than any woman in your life. The amount of honesty and vulnerability in that statement makes my eyes a little moist because I know how hard that must have been for you to write.
    Again, the amount of honesty and vulnerability in this post shows the real change in your mindset. :wow:
     
    #20 SiennaFire, Mar 5, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2016