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Unraveling me

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Mar 1, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    Hi again :smilewave

    I'm back to introspect and share and to listen to experiences you all have who might relate.

    I really appreciate all the encouragement you all gave me on my last thread, and on all my threads.

    I'm trying now to understand more clearly why I'm in s state of feeling stuck and I've identified some key emotions that have been surfacing a lot.

    Fear of failure, failing my daughter, failing me.
    My definition and understanding of myself (in terms of sexual identity) has evolved from my first inkling that I'm not straight (my first girl crush, around 10) to today, where I firmly call myself queer. But knowing and identifying me has only seemed to open a whole new set of questions.
    I recently realised that this has something to do with why I'm so hesitant to come out to my Dad. I've come out to all the people I care to except for him. I know there's a little fear, a little shame there, but I also realise now it's primarily because my Dad is my voice of reason, my compass for rational and clear thought, for thinking responsibly and thinking about the deep questions. My Dad would bring all those questions to the surface - what does it mean for my life? Do I love my husband? Am I satisfied? Can I be? Am I unhappy? What do I need in my life given this understsnding of self? My Dad would ask this out of worry for me and my wellbeing. And he would urge me to think deeply about how all of these decisions affect me and my daughter.
    And the truth is, I honestly don't know the answers. I don't know and I don't know how to know without making a commitment to changes in my life. And those commitments run the risk of deep failure to my daughter and to myself. No matter what I commit to. If I decide to leave my husband, i run the risk of completely shaking up my daughter's life, creating instability, insecurity, without even knowing that that's the path that makes me happy. If I decide to put my heart back into my marriage, I run the risk of losing myself, deep needs for intimacy with a woman, connection, needs to validate the desires I suppressed all of my life. And then that could lead to an unhappy home for my daughter. Each of these paths also hold a promise for something deeply satisfying, but the risks scare the f* out of me.

    Sense of self.
    Who the f* am I anyway? What do I need? What is the core me? After so many years of pushing down parts of me I felt insecure to express, my sexuality, some of my interests, my quirks, my neediness, my tomboyish-ness, even my optimism (so many times it gets mistaken for naïveté), so many things...I'm trying to rediscover me.

    Compromise.
    Just like ive suppressed so much of me, I've also compromised so much of my beliefs and feelings and values. I've always believed that to be a mature thing to do, but I'm stsrtibg to wonder how much of that is truly healthy.

    Regret.
    I don't want yo live in regret, I know it's pointless, but so much of those years of suppressing me and compromising have left a bitter taste in my mouth. I've shaped life choices, big ones, around a modified sense of self...I don't how to let go of this regret.


    Do any of you relate to some of this?
     
    #1 baristajedi, Mar 1, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2016
  2. Distant Echo

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    Fear of failure. Yep. Each time I became a single mum. The relationships failed...I was a failure, I failed my kids....then I realised it was the right thing to do.
    Sense of self...yep...until the realisation that I'm gay....it finally felt right after so many years...finally I knew who I was
    Compromise....every damn day...even now. At home I'm me, when I'm with the woman I'm seeing i'm me, when I'm out and about in my town...I'm compromising...
    Regret...that's complicated...I don't actually regret the years because they make me appreciate more where I am now. and if I'd come out back then, I wouldn't have met who I'm seeing now...things will work out...but, honestly...I don't think you can be happy as you are...
     
    #2 Distant Echo, Mar 1, 2016
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  3. baristajedi

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    *neediness onmy post should say *nerdiness* ugh.

    ---------- Post added 1st Mar 2016 at 02:54 AM ----------



    Hi Inamirror. :kiss:

    I wish I could get to where you are in your understanding of regret. Trying to...
    As far as me not being able to be happy with things the way they are, I agree. My life need to change. But i am still thinking does that mean divorce? I still wonder if there is another way, some way to change my relationship with my husband. I'm working on figuring that out.
     
  4. Distant Echo

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    I guess it helps that it wouldn't have been safe for me to come out back then...it could have been catastrophic tbh. And I feel like I'm ready for this now...I wasn't back then. I've done the single mum thing, I knew I could do it again.
    And I've enjoyed exploring myself now...working out who I am, what I want, and I've been unbelievably lucky in meeting someone so soon...I can't regret anything that has led me to her....
     
  5. Justasking100

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    Totally get you. Plus I live the same place you do, Edinburgh so someone struggling like you is nearby.
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    Hi baristajedi :smilewave

    I'm wondering if fear of success is a factor in your thought process? That you fear expressing your true sexuality and realizing your potential somehow?

    The fact that you don't want to come out to your father raises a lot of questions in my mind. Do you think he would encourage or discourage you from leaving your husband?

    After reading your post, I'm reminded of the quote in my sig that helped me move forward in my own journey of discovery.
     
  7. cakepiecookie

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    Yeah, I can definitely relate. Reading this, I'm realising that I've put off coming out to my mother for somewhat similar reasons. She's pretty much the only person I need to come out to, but I've been putting it off at least in part because making that last step would mean that everything's official and I'd have to deal with it. Right now, I'm mostly out, but still feel like I can hide to some degree. It's not healthy.

    I think sometimes we need to do the things we fear the most. You can't progress without getting out of your comfort zone.
     
  8. dirtyshirt84

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    I can relate to a lot of the concerns in your post, especially relating to your (presumably quite young?) daughter.

    I think this is really good advice and so true. I guess you need to be ready but I think not facing up to fears/avoiding the things you are afraid of allows the fear to dominate and control your life to some extent?
     
  9. baristajedi

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    Sorry - I didn't come back to this for a couple of days, it's been a few busy days of mostly parenting stuff.


    I really admire your strength and boldness, you've been through quite a lot. I'm really happy that you've met someone, you sound very happy.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Mar 2016 at 08:33 AM ----------


    Hi Justasking :slight_smile:. It always helps to hear from someone who can relate. And you're in Edinburgh, too! There are some wonderful supportive people in the LGBT Wellness center, have you gone?

    ---------- Post added 3rd Mar 2016 at 08:36 AM ----------


    This really describes my feelings too, telling my Dad makes it all official in some way. I feel like it means I have to start thinking about what it means for my life. And it also means it's all out there.

    I do think I need to get out of my comfort zone. I'm a bit stuck on how to do it. But I know once I start to try, I will feel gain a better sense of myself.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Mar 2016 at 08:49 AM ----------

    So many good questions, and I don't know the answer to them just yet.

    You asked if I may have a fear of success. I don't know. Honestly, I don't know what success looks like for me. I am afraid I think, probably in almost equal measure to my desire, to be with a woman. I don't really even know how to articulate that fear. I think I'm afraid of acknowledging to another woman that I'm attracted to her, rather than merely hypothetically, but as a matter of expressing interest in someone. I'm not sure why, or what that means. I'm afraid of what that feeling of intimacy will lead to. Is it weird to say I fear a sense of loss of emotional control? Like I'm afraid of the intensity of the emotion. I'm afraid of giving in to something that feels good, maybe because I never have. I mean I have with men, but not with women. And there's a lot of unknown there.
    I'm not sure if any of that relates to fear of success. But it's certainly a fear of entering into a territory I've never entered before, and one which would feel validating but a bit terrifying at the same time.

    There's so much coming out in my response that I don't think I've ever really fully acknowledged to myself.

    About my Dad, you asked if I think he would encourage or discourage me to leave my husband. Honestly, I don't know. I can see it going either way. My Dad has had a lot of talks with me about following what makes me happy, and don't give up on the things that make you happy, and no matter what happens with your husband, you deserve happiness, etc. And my parents are divorced, so certainly my Dad gets that divorce is sometimes the most rational path. But he's also very methodical, very responsibility-focused, and rational-minded, so I wonder how he would look at my responsibilities as a mom and urge me to think about it more or think more deeply. I honestly don't know.
    I know he would be shocked to hear me say I'm not straight. I don't think it has ever occurred to him. He's asked me on several occasions about two of my siblings (do you think he/she's gay?), but it's never seemed to be a question he had about me....as far as I know. I am very nervous about the initial discomfort in telling him and there is certainly a fear of him not accepting me, but it's not a rational thought. My dad loves me and really truly just wants me to be happy, I'm certain he would accept me no matter what... but it is a little daunting.

    Thank you for the quote. More food for thought :slight_smile:.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Mar 2016 at 08:54 AM ----------

    Oh, and as a side note. I've been thinking, how can I start breaking out of my comfort zone in baby steps?

    I'm trying to think of ideas. There's a meetup here for bi/gay women, but it's meant for meeting and dating. I don't want to be deceptive, I honestly don't know if I'll date someone at this point, but it would be nice to be friends with other women who are not straight and maybe even who might be interested in me.
    I've been thinking about going to a lesbian bar, but I am not sure if I'm ready for that.
    And thinking about perusing lesbian dating sites. But again, I don't want to join and message someone unless I am really interested in dating.

    I just don't know how to put out my feelers and take little steps. I'm feeling so stumped.
     
  10. PaintingMeInfinite

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    Hello baristajedi!

    It's a tough position to be in, married with kid(s) and gay. I have just recently accepted my own sexuality, my wife was and is integral to the process. My wife and I are going to try and be in a mixed orientation marriage, so maybe that's an option. I'm not sure where your husband stands in all of this, I think it's important to know that first off. One thing I try to remind myself is that to be a good parent you have to take care of yourself. I really don't know how and when to approach the subject with my children (two girls, 4 and 9), although I know that they too will grow from the experience. I was in very bad state last year, which was making the entire household worse off. Now in the early stages of coming out, I find myself wanting to rush the whole thing and trying to answer many of the questions you also are asking. Even now my mind is racing and I keep having to check myself and try to not make this writing a confusing mess. It is difficult for me to slow down right now because I am still in this state of being very excited, it seems so new to me, this self acceptance. Despite being unsure of where this is all leading, I have already seen the positive effect it has had on my family. I guess what I'm saying is that it's important to slow down, remember there is no time limit, and keep your spouse in the loop. I really don't think it's important to let anyone know until you are ready or it becomes necessary, that's how I am approaching the coming out to most people and my parents mostly. It's a terrifying and excruciating process at times. I wish I had more advice on how to extinguish regret. All I know is that had my life not gone the same way, I most likely wouldn't have my wife and two children right now.
     
  11. baristajedi

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    Thanks for sharing your experience, and thanks for all of your insight. I can relate to so much of what you say. One difference is that I identify as bi, leaning more towards women, but still there is something there for men. I wonder what that says about me being in a state of feeling stuck. I'm not sure how to understand that just yet.

    I'm wondering, if you're ok with sharing - what are some thoughts you have on making your mixed orientation marriage work?

    My husband is working on being supportive and understanding, but he doesn't know yet how we will make it work and explore my desires for women. I don't know how much he really understands my need for emotional connection (physical plus romantic, plus intimacy) with a woman either. I've talked to him about everything, but it's not easy for me to talk about some of the things that I think will hurt him, and I think he doesn't always process those same things fully.

    You sound very grounded, and it seems like you're a very caring Dad. I think your daughters will certainly grow from this. You're right that I need to be cognizant of my own needs and that being a happier mom will make me a better mom. I'm just not sure yet what it will take to make me feel more satisfied.

    I hope you get to a point where you can find some of the answers you need for yourself as well. (*hug*)
     
  12. SnowshoeGeek

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    Hi :slight_smile:

    I haven't read through the replies but I want to say... this place does have a LOT of people who totally shake up their lives when they have these realizations. And when I joined this site, I felt strongly that my decision twenty years ago to leave a marriage in large part because I saw my husband as homophobic, was the correct decision. No children, easy peasy right? But in retrospect (and as I try to really work on a relationship for my first time, probably, ever) I wonder what would have happened had I toughed it out. He said some things that left doubt in my mind as I was giving him the "I'm leaving" speech. I never had any discussion after that speech, I never had fights, I never really struggled with the questions I had or really asked him the hard questions I could have. I will never know what we might have made of that marriage.

    I'm not saying I seethe with regret, and you have put a LOT more work into your marriage over all this time. And only you can decide. I had a father who represented all the same things yours does and I often wish I could find out what he would say about my life since he passed. But your own reason matters, and it does matter, I think you are a geek enough that things need to make logical sense as I am. And it takes TIME for things to make sense.

    Sugar... give yourself time. Please. You are pushing yourself SO hard and you don't have to DO anything this week, or this month, or even this year. Really you don't. Don't you see how far you have come in your own self-acceptance? Please embrace that for a while and feel like a success because YOU ARE!

    Many hugs from afar. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  13. Sorrel

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    I relate to it all! You sound very awake, aware, and a little bit vulnerable which is a good thing because it puts you into contact with your heart, right? :slight_smile: That's the impression I get from your post :slight_smile: Sounds like you are moving forward. It's an important question you ask, about a sense of self: who are you really and are you truly communicating that to others?

    But maybe there are several "you". Not just one, but you are ever changing from one moment to the next. Which is fine, it's the same for everyone. The most important thing, I think, is to stay grounded inside oneself, if that makes sense. The important part is that you know how you feel and who and how you are, moment by moment, and that you accept that.

    Recently, I personally feel very clumsy in my interactions with others. Inside myself, there are so many layers, so many details, and what I feel and think seems so clear. But when I communicate with another, my words come out clumsily, I can't get the "real" message across it seems. I've never realized this before, how "hard" it is to communicate. But that's a growth opportunity. I think what I do, is that I compromise away a lot of what which is true for me, just for the sake of keeping the other person happy, trying to be who they might need me to be. So I can certainly relate to what you're saying!

    All the best :slight_smile:
     
  14. SiennaFire

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    baristajedi

    at some level i am more sympathetic to your situation than i'm letting on to

    from a physical perspective i am not a gay virgin based on any of the following combinations {hand, mouth, arse} x {top, bottom}

    nor do i feel any reticence developing an emotional connection with another man

    yet there's a part of me that's somewhat scared (albeit in a healthy way) of fully unleashing this part of me with unbridled passion

    though i don't let the fear stop me from becoming who i was born to be
     
    #14 SiennaFire, Mar 6, 2016
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  15. baristajedi

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    Thanks Snowshoe for the encouragement. (*hug*):kiss: You're right that it takes time to get to a place where things make sense. I do feel like I've come a long way. I guess the bulk of my negative feelings have been largely intangible. Things as they are right now just don't feel in sync with what I need.

    I'm starting to realise that I need to explore what I feel more before I can even think about my husband and our marriage. I've been looking at where I can meet women, build friendships, and I'm hoping that can give me an opportunity to better understand what I need.

    Big hugs back to you (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*). I'm sorry about your father, I'm not sure how long it's been since he passed.

    ---------- Post added 7th Mar 2016 at 08:26 AM ----------

    Thanks for the support Sorrel. I understand your feelings of being "clumsy" in your interactions with people, I often feel that way. And you say "I compromise away a lot of what which is true for me, just for the sake of keeping the other person happy, trying to be who they might need me to be.", this is so true for me as well, it's a more eloquent way of putting some of the things I wanted to say.

    I do think I'm moving forward, getting in touch with my heart. But it's a process, and a slow one.

    I really like what you say about there being several "you/me", and that it's more important to know who you are moment by moment. That's a really helpful perspective.

    I'm taking small steps, but I'm getting somewhere I suppose :slight_smile:.

    ---------- Post added 7th Mar 2016 at 08:34 AM ----------

    Siennafire, I really appreciate your way of pushing and asking hard questions, I don't think it rings of being unsympathetic. It can feel challenging to answer some of your questions, but it's a good challenge, one that helps me introspect.

    I really think that I am quite afraid of alot of my sexuality, it's not all from internalised homophobia...I was sexually abused as a kid, and I know that has a huge impact on my lack of courage and insecurity. I think that seeing just how afraid I am has given me a big kick in the ass in terms of wanting to move forward.

    All the stuff about my marriage, and my daughter's needs, all of that stands, but I think this fear of being myself and being comfortable with my attraction to women, that internal fear is where I need to start, and I'm really encouraged by just merely recognising how deeply it exists. It gives me something to grapple with, something to tackle.

    So, I very much appreciate the things you've pushed me to think about. It's helped me get to this point.
     
  16. SiennaFire

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    You misinterpreted my intent here, which was my fault because I left out an important piece of information. This post was about a personal experience. I was not suggesting that I've been unsympathetic (I agree that I do ask the necessary tough questions but that's not evidence of my not being sympathetic). Rather I was suggesting that you are not alone because I too feel the healthy fear, which was very evident yesterday when I went to a new meetup. I met a guy who I felt very comfortable being around. Still need to let this play out, but I certainly feel the fear about exploring the cave with the treasure, though in my case it's more about the symbolism of what he represents, viz., taking and embracing the leap from the heteronormative to an out gay lifestyle.
     
    #16 SiennaFire, Mar 7, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2016
  17. baristajedi

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    Ah, I see :slight_smile:. Well I certainly understand your fear. That's great that you've met someone who seems like a good guy for you! I hope you see more of him. Definitely it sounds like it's worth exploring, I know you won't let fear stand on your way :slight_smile:. You seem very grounded and to have s good sense of yourself, seeing where it goes can only lead to good things.
     
    #17 baristajedi, Mar 7, 2016
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  18. SiennaFire

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    Thanks :slight_smile: After several wins earned through a series of baby steps, you get to a point where you recognize the feeling for what it is. A call to action. You don't let it immobilize you, but rather you transform it and let it energize you. The feeling is still there. What changes is your response to the feeling.

    Looking forward to hearing about your baby steps!
     
  19. baristajedi

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    I'm actually feeling a lot more energised today than I've felt in a long time, I want to get out there, I'm starting to feel more eager thsn scared, at least at the *prospect* of getting out to meet people. :slight_smile:

    I'm looking forward to hearing about what happens next with this guy you've met! :icon_bigg
     
    #19 baristajedi, Mar 8, 2016
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  20. SiennaFire

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    I'll be sure to keep you posted, although I'm not intending to rush into anything. This is based on an honest assessment of where I am on my journey and that rushing into something is not the optimal strategy for me at this point. Of course rushing to a meetup is the optimal strategy for you :slight_smile:
     
    #20 SiennaFire, Mar 8, 2016
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