And so I haven't felt this lonely and it basically sucks. My husband says he accepts me as bisexual, I am coming to understand that he may think it is only about sex. Our intimacy is suffering because my body cannot lie anymore. With therapy, I have been able to un-discover myself to remove the toxic, negative mindset anxiety has embedded in me. And it is leaving me in a raw state, opportunity to discover myself. Like, what do I stand for? What are my values? Having been told to live a certain way, having been told to feel a certain way, having been told my thoughts are not right that I must be influenced negatively. . . now that I am on my own two feet, now what? Anxiety symptoms are replaced with feelings I am still identifying. Thoughts I once had seem so foriegn as I realize I was a victim of emotional abuse and that those thoughts are no longer mine. Now what? I am not physically attracted to my husband, as much as I want to be, as much as I am fighting myself to make this work. And so, last week, my husband gave me permission to fool around with another woman. But I must be specific and let him know if I am going to sleep with one. Ok, that infuriates me! He is still controling me, and I hate the fact that he thinks he is the boss and owner of my body. Two years ago, it would have been ok for him to say that and I would do it accordingly. But not today! I am bisexual, but maybe I am more of a lesbian. Just because he opened our marriage to live out his fantasy, he now closed it because he realized he was wrong. He is keeping it wrong, because I am the only one for him and he should be the only one for me. But within the year he used alcohol to control me, to abuse me emotionally, I have come to terms with myself and have accepted myself. What I felt, what I longed for when I was younger was only verified, was only made true with his fantasy. I am attracted to women, I do crave to hold a woman and embrace a woman's body. But this marriage is just toxic for that. Now what? Just because he gave me permission to fool around and I must let him know who, what, when and where I am going to sleep with another woman does not settle for me. Who does he think he is, controling me, my sexuality, like that? Why am I so infuriated when I would agree with him a couple of years ago? Discovering myself again is exhausting, it is confusing and I wonder if I am really independent, confident and successful as others see me as. . . Blagh blagh blagh I don't want to adult today!
Hi Mystic flower, I hear that you are very upset with your husband right now, and it appears that there's a pattern of controlling behavior on his part. I'm sorry that you have been exposed to this (*hug*) I'm wondering if you would be open to hearing a different perspective on this? Given that you are married, there was a contract of monogamy put in place when you took your wedding vows. As such, it might be helpful to think about needing his permission from the perspective of altering the wedding vows to open the marriage, rather than his controlling your body. I think you can tell him that you plan to sleep with other women and that you don't kiss and tell, so you'll be unable to provide him with the specifics that he requests. Having said that, it appears that there's quite a bit of toxicity in your marriage and that you are no longer attracted to your husband, so perhaps it might be better to separate. This would allow you to continue your discovery process without his negativity and controlling behavior interfering. HTH (&&&)
I can see where that is coming from. I do understand it and it is an important part of any marriage. A brief history, we have been married 14 years. A few years ago, he started talking about having an open relationship. I pleaded with him, begged him and cried to him so many times to keep our marriage sacred and not to open it. This went on for months. He had emotionally abused me for so many years which I had no idea that it was abuse. He used alcohol to influence me. We had a friend who we had been close to to about a year, it was a good friendship where there were different things that we did together. It was a good friendship. Then one summer, 2014, she made a move on me. Later I found out that my husband had been talking to her about being physically/sexually involved with us. Me wanting him to treat me better saw how that did wonders. He treated me better, but as the three of us continued to be romantically involved, I started to loathe myself. Being brought up in a homophobic environment took a long time to accept myself. I always knew, but because of my upbringing, I felt like I was a sinner and that it is wrong. Fast forward to today, therapy sessions has helped me come to terms with myself. From being a victim of different forms of abuse to becoming a survivor and an independent woman. So, yeah, I am an emotional wreck right now. Anxiety disorder is somewhat under control but today I don't know. . .
Hi Mystic flower, I'm sorry that your husband manipulated you into a love triangle with this other woman. Nobody deserves to be treated that way (*hug*) I understand how hard it is to overcome childhood messages that being gay or lesbian is bad or wrong because of lessons learned from society, church, family and friends. One of the benefits of the coming out process is confronting the demons in our closet, such as being overly deferential to the needs and wants of others and challenging their scripts and shame so that we liberate ourselves from their chains and live authentically. It sounds like you have made great progress working with your therapist on your journey towards authenticity. I'm not sure how I can help you feel better other than to remind you that you are a survivor and an independent woman and that those of us on EC love and support you. Things will get better for you as long as you continue to strive and fight and persevere. (&&&)
I don't understand your husband's pattern of controlling behavior but negotiating the terms of opening up a relationship is not unusual and actually a very healthy way of going about changing the underlying structure of a relationship. Your husband isn't controlling your body, he is changing his relationship with you and that can be super hard. But it sounds like you have much larger problems and your feelings are just a manifestation of a larger issues between you two. If you want more information about opening up your relationship, then listen to Dan Savage's podcast, he talks about it a lot and I think his advice is spot on. When I identified as bisexual, I was not very comfortable with the idea of being alone with a woman (but I was gay and terrified of it, duh!). However, I did have a lot of threesomes and group sex. While I did not participate in these activities with the healthiest mindset, it can be really fun and maybe something worth you looking into. You can try swingers groups or see if there are formal or informal sex clubs in your area. Good luck!
Swingers groups and such would be ideal. It is not possible as we live in an isolated place and the only way out is by an expensive plane ride. The joys of living in Canada's north! With my husband's insecurities, and how he uses emotional manipulation is tough to deal with. Even tougher when I automatically get defensive and have built walls. I do have insecurites as well, and idetifying them is as far as I have gotten so far. Opening our relationship is also ideal. . . but it must be in my husband's terms and his terms only. He is stubborn when it comes to negotiating conditions as he wants and needs things to go his way or the high way. He is a spoiled brat, and always got his way and got away with everything, so what I view as inappropriate he does not see. In his eyes, he does no wrong, always right and no room for other's input. I can live with that, except when it comes to our intimacy. He also wants it to be a love triangle, but I don't. Our third wheel started inviting me to her place and that is where we started meeting, with my husband out of the picture. He did not like that, he expects me to kiss and tell to the very finest detail and I don't want to. Yes, we have a lot of issues to deal with. I am dealing with mine, and am exhausted. I am frustrated that he is not working on his issues. . . as I see it. I know it is not true, but that is how I am feeling right now. So, yeah, here I go again rambling away. . . yeah, so for the moment, I am kicking and screaming like a kid. Tomorrow, I will pick myself up hopefully be calm and collected to be rational again. . . yeah ---------- Post added 3rd Mar 2016 at 10:58 AM ---------- On the plus side, he no longer abuses me physically emotionally, we still need to work on this
Well it sounds like you don't like your relationship and recognize that it is unhealthy. I understand that you have sexual needs you want to fulfill, but why would you want to bring another person into such an unhealthy situation! With the exception of a prostitute. and I totally think there is a place in the world for paid sex. You have to look at it from the third persons perspective too. if it were me being involved in a couple and I knew they were emotionally unhealthy, I would stay far far far away even if the only thing on the table was sex without emotional attachment. but it sounds like your third is reasonably involved in your relationship and maybe there is a reason why she doesn't want to see you AND your husband at the same time. If you are in an unhappy and abusive relationship, what prevents you from leaving? I don't want to victim blame and it must be very difficult, but I'm sure there are some forums out there for women in abusive relationships that could help empower you to leave your partner.
I do not like my relationship with my husband, and am working on that with my therapist. The third wheel is no longer a part of our lives and it has been roughly 10 months since I have had any contact of any kind what so ever. I am re-discovering who I am, and for now I know I am not ready to fulfill my needs and wants with another woman. I am not looking for any type of relationship other than my husband until we have both resolved our issues. I cut all ties with the woman because I saw how toxic things were becoming. As for not leaving this relationship, I have thought about it. It is an option that is always in my thoughts. It is complicated, it does become complicated when it comes to the children. I have three boys, and am not ready to turn their lives upside down just so I can be happier, not just yet. We live in an isolated community of 3,000, and just up and leaving is not an option right now. This town is very homophobic/biphobic, and strong cultural values and beliefs. My parents are lay readers (or some kind of leader helpers) with the Anglican church. Atelophobia prevents me from leaving, I am afraid of not being good enough. If and when I come out completely, then it will be like being shuned. . . Believe me, first opportunity to leave this town, I will.
