Long story short I am fat. I havent always been this way. What happened was I had an eating disorder, and one day everything clicked and for the first time in my life since grade school I said I am not dieting anymore. I had only existed in a state of being on a diet, planning a diet, or just coming off if a diet for my entire life and had no idea how to eat normally. So my reaction to not being on a diet was non stop eating for like 1.5 years and proceeding to get very fat (like 250). However this has been the greatest thing that could have happened to me because it got me to stay away from a job I had been doing where my weight was constantly scrutinized and to make peace with my body and stop hating. Also it stopped me from being a total slut and gave me a chance to stop fucking people for long enough that I could eventually come out now. The non stop binge eating stopped (mostly) about 6 months ago and things are getting better in a healthy way While I feel at peace with my body the idea that a fat person could be attractive to another person is not something I can grasp. I am getting back in shape and know that eventually all this weight will come off in a healthy way, but I really really want to start dating. I feel conflicted because I don't know how to handle it. I have fucked guys that were overweight but never a girl. Now that I started watching lesbian feminist porn that is not for the male gaze my mind is kind of blown but what a range of body types and stuff can be attractive. But it's really hard for me to apply this to myself. Suggestions? Sometimes I do want to crash diet just because being fat is so annoying at times, but then I go to the pro Ana and pro Mia boards where I am reminded of how much eating disorders make you hate yourself and the feeling passes. I would be happy to fast forward to the part where I am at a healthy weight again though.
I think as long as you're working on your health and fitness, you'll be fine. You will get more confidence which is basically what is attractive. You already sound like you're halfway there so I wouldn't stress too much about your weight. If you're working on things sensibly, it will come off. Personally, I approach my workouts as a way to be healthy and not necessarily to lose weight even though that would be nice, too, but I don't worry about it because I can feel my fitness improving and that makes me feel great.
MS001 I want to support the effort you are making to become a healthier person. This in itself will make you feel more confident. I do want to say to you however that my partner, the love of my life is a bigger girl. When i met her i felt i already knew her. I couldn't get her out of my mind and she gave me butterflies. I had that whole love song thing going on, you know, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate at work. What i am getting at is that when you meet that person, the right person then nothing so insignificant matters. I hope you decide to date, with a positive attitude about yourself so the women you date can see all the best things about you.
