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long overdue update and questions

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by marriedguy, Mar 4, 2016.

  1. marriedguy

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    It's been almost a year since I last posted on here. To give a quick summary, I've been married for 27 years, I always knew I wasn't straight, I came out to my wife as bi about 15 years ago (although leaned more towards guys) and then about a year ago, between the two of us, we decided I'm probably more gay then bi (very closeted). We have a good marriage (except no sex for several reasons) with no plans of divorcing . Now I wish we had somewhat of a sex life and would have no problem with it even though I'm attracted to men. I think it's because there's something that turns me on about my wife knowing about that side of me (I'm not out to anyone else).

    Sometimes I struggle with my identity and even though I think women are attractive, I'm more into men which makes me wonder if I'm bi or gay?? There's really no other woman that I fantasize about and I get turned on my wife mentions or jokes about my "gay side" Maybe I'm about a 4 or 5 on the Kinsey scale and that's close enough to be considered gay or maybe I'm closer to a 6?? Is it possible to be gay and want to stay married? Of course the downside to that is I don't get to explore same sex relationships which I would love to do. I would just like a clearer identity. Any opinions or suggestions?
     
  2. Adray

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    I don't think I can help you determine your orientation, but I definitely encourage you to explore that part of yourself more. Fully accepting myself as bisexual was very important in my life. Being open and honest about that with my wife has been wonderful for us.

    I can't speak to the gay experience in marriage, because I'm bisexual. But I can tell you that a good marriage is possible for situations like mine. Full openness and honesty as well as monogamy have been our foundational elements. That leads to an intimate trust. The sex can be great in that situation, particularly if your wife has a sense for adventure, roleplay, etc.

    You'll want to assess whether you can be happy however you proceed. Monogamy has always been my way, so I'm happy. I wish you a happy path too, wherever it leads.
     
  3. Nickw

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    Hi Marriedguy

    I am bisexual but not really officially out to my wife. I told her I was bi (sort of) when we were dating. But, it just doesn't come up often. I am struggling with coming out to her for real. When we got together and married sex was incredible for 5 years or so and then steadily diminished to almost zip the last couple of years (married 30 + years). I reached the point where I was angry at my wife that I could not be straight or gay...no sex. And, I was getting old...mid fifties. That and an injury that may threaten my sexual health had me pretty "wound up" for lack of a better term.

    Like you, I have no intention of leaving my wife. She is a bit older and would never even try to date again. And, I really love her. Abandoning her is not an option and the risk of STD leave an open marriage out (I think). I almost cheated with both men and women the last couple months...but didn't. That is a another story.

    I got into some therapy to understand my near indiscretions and to re-visit my sexual orientation. With me, my attraction to men has varied through the years. I have always found my wife desirable. So, I built on that. I also confided to my wife that I needed more sex. I started courting and flirting with her again and we are rediscovering each other. It turns out it is a lot of fun! Last night, she initiated sex...first time in 15 years.

    So, restarting a sex life with your wife may be easier than you think. I thought back on what our first interactions were and recreated it. Can it be enough for a gay man? I don't really know. But a month ago I thought the only way I could be sexually satisfied was to explore gay sex. Now, not so much. Worth a try...how can you lose?

    My attraction to men is waning by the hour. I am trying to understand why. According to some here it is denial. But, I am convinced that the Kinsey scale may have both romantic and sexual aspects that do not necessarily align.
     
  4. CameronBayArea

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    Marriedguy asked, "Is it possible to be gay and want to stay married?"

    Most definitely it's possible. There is a very large listserv with hundreds of men on it called "Husbands Out to their Wives" (HOW) and most of them would describe themselves as you have. The vast majority are either in an open marriage or seeking one, but some are monogamous. There's a Yahoo group called "MonMOM" which is for M/F couples who are trying to make their monogamous Mixed Orientation Marriage work.

    You can find either of these resources by doing a web search.
     
  5. Pathetic Coward

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    This might not apply but I found myself caught on what felt like a gay/bisexual/denial hamster wheel (spinning and going nowhere) for a very long time.

    Ambiguity/uncertainty can be a very bad friend.

    I found that putting the entire question "down" (not aside or denying it) and accepting that I don't need a clear answer to that question to live my life was (and still is) very useful, at least for me. I guess my point is that big fat labels (gay, bi, so on) can overshadow more practical questions, at least for me.

    Are you attracted to your wife? Physically, emotionally? Or only to her ideas regarding your sexuality?

    Best wishes,

    PC
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    Based on what you've written, it sounds like you could be a Kinsey 4 or 5, though I would speculate that you are closer to a 5 if you fantasize exclusively about other men (other than when you fantasize about your wife). I'm a Kinsey 5 but identify as gay IRL because it feels closer to the truth and far easier than trying to explain the Kinsey scale.

    Here's information about the Kinsey scale The Kinsey Institute - Kinsey Sexuality Rating Scale. A person who is Kinsey 5 is "Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual " which is about 90% gay and 10% straight based on the graph. This is based on who you are attracted to (rather than your sexual history as a married guy).

    People self-score against the criteria. Unfortunately this makes it difficult for people who are new to the scale. There is no official Kinsey test according to the Kinsey Institute, the research institute at Indiana University where Dr. Kinsey did his work. There is an online test (unofficial) that may give you a starting point until you get to a place where you can self-rate using the definitions. There is another test floating around EC, but the following test anecdotally scores closer to the truth.

    Where Do You Fall On The Kinsey Scale

    Here's a thread with more discussion http://emptyclosets.com/forum/chit-chat/206939-kinsey-scale.html#post2980442
     
    #6 SiennaFire, Mar 8, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2016
  7. Sorrel

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    Hi marriedguy.

    My suggestion would be to think about, How does the way you feel about women differ from the way you feel about men? When you look at them? When you connect with them? Sexually? Emotionally? Romantically?

    I don't believe I'm bisexual, so I can't tell you how it feels to long for both genders. I'm currently viewing myself as lesbian, because of... very irrational reasons, really. The word "gay" or "lesbian" entices me for no reason. I love women. I just do. If men come on to me, I'm usually intimitated. I'll daydream about flirting with a woman, and seeing two women in white wedding dresses together can make me cry. I don't daydream of men that way, for whatever reason. I don't know why.

    It would be so interesting to hear some bisexuals tell a little about how it feels to be attracted to both genders. It's very individual I'm sure. Anyone? ☺

    It's my (perhaps a little bit boring) opinion that the answer is within you. And probably not inside logical mind, either. That's the kind most comfortable with a number on a scale. But there are many answers tied to our strongest feelings and our most undefined and nameless sensations, that's what I believe.