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Seeking advice

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by father76, Mar 4, 2016.

  1. father76

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    Hello, this is my story. I have been divorced from my exwife for 5 years. we have 3 beautiful children together, 15, 14 and 8.

    As soon as we got divorced she married her second husband, and well, I met my partner about 2 and half years ago and we married last May.

    In June of last year i gave my daughter a tablet i didn't know that my phone was connected to that tablet, for which my ex found the pictures of my wedding with my partner my daughter did not see it, so that is how she found out I had gotten married to my partner. She already knew I was more into men, because i had cheated on her with a guy which she didn't like at all, but that's another story.

    I was trying to find a way to tell my kids that i was gay, but you know its hard, even now i cant. Well in August to get revenge on me she told my kids everything, that i was married to a man, that i cheated on her with another guy and that's why we got a divorce, which that was not the reason, and just bad mouthing me and manipulating and brain washing my kids. Now they don't want anything to do with me, i visit them and take them to dinner only because i use the divorce decree to get them, but they give me the cold shoulder, when I pick them up, and i know its my ex doing this although she denies it. I don't know what to do how to make my kids see me as their great dad they once saw me as, I have been told that it will be hard for that to happen again and i realize that but i want to start to get them to see that i am still their father that loves them very much, and even if they don't accept me but at least for them to want me be in their lives.

    So if anyone has gone through the same situation as me or similar or can give me some kind of advice on what to say to my children to try to get them back please i would really appreciate it. i feel like she has my hands tied behind my back and is beating the crap out of me, and i cant do a thing, i am so frustrated... i just want my kids back. any suggestion is greatly appreciated. thank you for your time.

    ---------- Post added 4th Mar 2016 at 11:31 AM ----------

    Sorry guys my computer did something weird and posted my thread twice. but you can just reply to one. Thanks. :slight_smile:
     
  2. Mr B

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    Its a tough spot to be in. I am not out yet to my partner and we have two kids together. I heard once here, and I agree 100% with it, that its fundamental to take a long-term view. Do not give up, try to be the best dad you can, tell your kids you love them at every opportunity and try to have good moments together, days out, sports, whathever, anything you can think so that they can have a great time with you. Eventually they will be mature enough to start questioning the BS they are being told and it will backfire on her. Be the best dad you can and take a long- term view would be my advice here.
     
    #2 Mr B, Mar 4, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2016
  3. father76

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    thank you Mr B. and I wish you the best of luck a well. I hope that everything turns out good with your situation.
     
  4. srposterboy

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    I can't say much toward countering bad-mouthing and psych warfare that mom may be poisoning the kids with. That's always tough. You may just have to wait until lies are exposed and the truth shines through. We've all done things we're ashamed of. Your concern for your daughters speaks of your character and goodness.

    But maybe I can offer a glimmer of hope. Texas tends to have a lot of fundamentalist attitude. Even people who aren't part of fundamentalist churches are immersed in the values (which come with a lot of homophobia) simply from the culture.

    I've been on the receiving end of what I call "faith-based" intolerance. Rejection by people you love is painful. No getting around it. But I think it helps to realize that coming out to family or a close friend who have extremely strong beliefs that homosexuals are defective, diseased, damaged, and/or evil creates intense cognitive dissonance.

    They can and probably still do love you very much, but that love is in a fierce struggle with the beliefs that tell them you're bad. The easy way to relieve the dissonance temporarily is simple denial/avoidance--like the cold shoulder you're getting.

    My anecdotal observations are that unless the relationship is completely severed, it's likely that in time the dissonance will actually resolve with a compromise, adjustment, or change of belief. Sometimes it takes years. But don't give up. Do whatever you must to protect your own emotional health. Then be there for them, and show them that you love them.

    Incidentally, trusting them and making yourself vulnerable to them both go a long way toward demonstrating love. You've already been outed, probably in very unflattering light, maybe with damaging lies, too. Man up. Bare your throat. Come out to them with the truth, even unpleasant bits you're ashamed of. Honesty is what real trust is made of.

    The closet has already damaged your relationships with your daughters. Don't let it jeopardize them any further.

    Be strong and courageous, and don't let go of your love for them.