If you've read any of my threads, you know that I am in a sort of "stuck" phase. Part of me is feeling like I will try to make a go of staying in my marriage, as I think maybe I can be happy. I'm bi and I've been with my husband for 9 years, and we've got a small daughter. The other part of me is thinking, but what if I'll never be happy? I feel I really want to be with a woman, that I can't ignore that. I want an emotional connection, romance, intimacy, everything. So thanks to siennafire , I started acknowledging some things. I realise that as deep as my desire to be with a woman, I also have a fear associated with all of the things that go into being with a woman, showing interest, being intimate, basically giving into that intimacy, losing myself in it. I'm scared I think, because I know I have these deep unacknowledged feelings and the idea of exploring that makes me feel frozen. I'm starting to get a sense of some of the things I need. I think some part of me wants it to work with my husband, but I also know quite strongly I need to explore my needs with women. So, the start is to get more out in the open with my husband, to explore through conversation where our lines are drawn. What is a dealbreaker for me, and what is for him. And where does that leave us. I don't know how to even begin those conversations. We have talked about a lot of things, but there are some things I'm afraid to say with full candor, because I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to see the door close just yet (on our marriage). What advice would you guys have for this part of the process? I also think I need to start taking baby steps. Getting out there and letting myself do the stuff that I want but that also terrifies me - showing an interest in women. Baby steps, because I'm scared (I don't know why I'm so afraid). I also don't know how to take baby steps in this area when I don't even know what I can/can't do, given that I'm a married woman. At this point, I don't want to date or lead anyone on. But I want to be able to just be around women who like women. Lesbian bar? Meetups for lesbians/bi women? Not sure what to do. Any thoughts? ---------- Post added 4th Mar 2016 at 09:28 AM ---------- In re-reading this, I'm not sure it fully makes sense... that's what I get for rambling and thinking while writing. I'm not sure how to get those candid conversations started with my husband. I'm not even sure how to think about making a marriage work when I believe I really have a need to build a meaningful connection with a woman, and I'm wondering if anyone has advice on the side of - can it work? What are some good ways to start on that path to at least try? And the other part is, I don't think I can live like this anymore, knowing I want to be with a woman but being so afraid of it. I want to be around other women who I might even want to initiate something with, and just let myself feel those feelings. Not in order to actually date at this point, but in order to let that experience open up some answers for me. Maybe it will make what I need clearer. I don't know if I'm making any sense...
Try seeking out other bi/lesbian women for friendship. Make that your goal. Leave the intimacy part for later, when you're more sure of what you want. Talking to other gay/bi women will give you a better sense of what you want to do. You need to talk to people who really understand, in real life. We all get it. I think there's just this deep understanding and compassion we have for each other. There must be a meet up or support group in your area... Pick one and go, just do it. You're bound to meet someone who is looking for friendship and connection too.
I think you want to start here and overcome the fear by taking baby steps. I'm guessing the fear is created by the unknowns, so your strategy would be to participate in experiences that help you eliminate the unknowns and understand the path to being with a woman. As you gain certainty, then you'll be in a better position to have the candid conversations with your husband. Lindsey23 offers some great suggestions about engaging people in real life that seem like a logical place to start, especially a meetup or support group IRL. Do you watch porn? That might help you become more comfortable with the physical aspects as long as you keep in mind that porn doesn't always reflect real sex between real people.
Yes, you need to get out and meet lesbian/bi/+ women. You need to get comfortable with yourself around them. But. You are going to hold yourself back. You aRe going to be afraid to let them get too close, or let yourself get close to them. And that is going to be a problem tbh. You are not going to learn what you need to know while not letting yourself be open. That was something I realized very quickly. The only way I could do this was to let my very well constructed and longstanding walls collapse. I had to let women get close, had to let myself get close to them. To fully understand and accept myself I had to accept what I was feeling. Embrace it. Can you let yourself do that?
Thanks Lindsey23 for the advice and encouragement. I am really wanting to get out there, but so nervous. I think you're right that I need to be more focused on building friendships with bi/gay women. But I really want to be open to what it feels like to let myself feel attraction and not push it away. I think this is really important to me to grow as a full person. I don't know what I'm so afraid of. I mean I know there's shame, and fear of losing control, fear of how I'll handle something intense and new, but I think I need to unpack it more. I'm going to make it a goal to go to something next week, and then at least once every 2 weeks. I have a couple of ideas of things in my area. ---------- Post added 5th Mar 2016 at 02:43 AM ---------- Thanks Siennafire, I think you're right, it makes sense to first get in touch with myself and what I feel and only then can I have real conversations with my husband. You've been helping me alot in taking a hard look at what it means to be married and to have these needs, I really appreciate that. At this point, I think I'm only going to be able to understand what this all means for my marriage by being out there in the real world with my feelings. In terms of porn, I have watched my share of the softcore stuff...it's pretty much how I've been getting by all this time :icon_redf
This is the key! Instead of just analyzing your fears, you also need to do things that will help you unpack them. The combination of analysis and action will help you get to the bottom of things faster. PS - As for helping you take a hard look at your situation, you're welcome. I'm glad that I can help you and others after receiving help and support from EC myself.
I know Inamirror, this is going to be a challenge! I'm going to have trouble being open. Maybe another goal should be little things like make eye contact, flirt, etc, little goals that are hard but reachable with each meeting. Scary but exciting, I'm eager but nervous to do this. I think I will be more open to letting down my walls with someone else who is more forward than me. But I want to push myself to become more at ease with making small gestures, initiating things. Feeling like an old fool right now, but I know this is going to be really good for me. ---------- Post added 5th Mar 2016 at 06:12 AM ---------- (*hug*) thanks again for all the support. Just thinking about this already feels like it's the right thing for me. I just want to feel like in living what feels right and not living and making decisions through fear. I'm not sure what I'll learn but I think this feels like the right first step.
Hi baristajedi. I can relate to a lot of your post, I am also bi and have been with my husband for 8 years and we also have a toddler. I live in Glasgow, So not far away. I thought until quite recently I was happy in my marriage when I started to have a crush on a woman I work with. It has made me question everything basically. I can't imagine never being with a woman again (I had a relationship with a woman when I was much younger) but also don't want to split up my family. I haven't liked someone like that in a long time and the feelings were a bit overwhelming to be honest. I think having honest conversations with my husband has helped although I know it has also hurt him. I think making bi/lesbian friends is a good first step, I'm also trying to do this. You sound like you have made progress since you first joined here and are much braver than me! Maybe also just finding out what sort of girls you are attracted to and maybe even as you say some flirting and eye contact. I feel like I see cute girls everywhere just now Sorry I can't offer any better advice but I can definitely empathise.
Hi dirtyshirt This is such a tough spot to be in, isn't it? It does help a lot to talk to someone in a similar situation. Does the woman (your crush) know about your feelings? I also think I can't imagine going the rest of my life not being with a woman (in my case, as a first time). I see cute girls everywhere too :icon_wink. I'm looking at some meetups and events, and I'm really nervous but eager to go. Have you found some events or groups near you? At this point, I will be very disappointed if I don't manage to go to something this week, I've got the courage now, I really don't want to wait.
It definitely helps to talk to others in similar situations. I'm so glad I found EC, it has helped me s lot. I've never told my crush but she knows. There was some flirting and I think another colleague thought we were having an affair at one point. She has a serious girlfriend though so it's kind of an impossible situation, really. I do think she likes me at least a little bit which makes it harder. (My other posts go into a bit more detail). It's given me a lot to think about anyway! I'm hoping when my feelings have subsided a bit we can be friends. What made you question your sexuality after being married for so long if you don't mind me asking? I know of support groups and events that are on but not sure if I am ready for that yet. Still trying to process a lot of emotions I think. Still also working on being more open about my sexuality/telling more people. As you say, baby steps! Let us know how you get on if you do go to something, good luck!
EC is the best, it's such a great place to come and learn you're not alone. Im sorry that things can't go anywhere withyour crush. That's s really tough situation. As far as me finally acknowledging my sexuality, no one thing really triggered it, it's just a matter of the truth getting harder and harder to deny, to the point where I don't want to deny it anymore. It's a funny thing the way life just sort of catches up with you sometimes.
Hi you I can relate, as my life recently has involved starting up friendships with bisexual women. It started oddly by coming out to my hairdresser at the same time as she seemed to come out to me. Then a post on Facebook, and then meeting this local kinky/poly crowd that has a lot of bi females in it. Just having a friendship with a woman used to be hard for me, as I always feared falling in love. Then I started having platonic friendships with straight women a few years ago. Now I am practicing having friendships with bisexual women. I was texting with one of them yesterday and I told her, my only real reference point is making friends with men. Attraction often feeds those friendships and there is some boundary drawn early on by my and his marital status that limits the friendship. But the attraction still sustains it. So... with women, I don't know the rules, or if there are any rules. First there is the establishment of sexual preference, and I guess that's the part I've been working on recently. Find out if there is potential early on but don't pursue anything. I am fairly new to this so the only result so far is I am making some kick-ass fun female friends. Where will it go? I have no idea. My only sexual experiences with women in the past were sudden things, not discussed beforehand, and I have vowed not to go that path again. I would rather keep a good friendship than ruin it with a sudden romance. I don't know if I need to lose that fear or not, to proceed. Will I end up intimate with any of these ladies? I have no idea, honestly. But this is a stage in my accepting myself and my interests. I did tell a couple of them that I thought they were hot, and the compliment was appreciated. I think women work differently and I have to ask myself, what would it take to make me feel good about starting up a relationship, if a woman pursued me? My only answer is patience, genuine friendship and caring, unconditional love, really. Just my opinion, but I think heterosexual men have been dealing for a long time with the uncertainties of pursuing women and are more conditioned to failure and picking themselves up again. While I don't want to go on a "conquest" I think for me I need to accept that nothing may ever happen, and make the friendship my primary goal. In a lot of ways it is having a totally different view of how relationships form and what their essence is. I told one of these ladies that she was going to be my "bi friend guinea pig" and she's very forthright so I expect to get really good feedback from her. I don't know if this helps... I'm more questions than answers! But I highly encourage you to start the process. Heck, you can start it with us!
It's probably for the best with my crush, as we are both in serious relationships and we work together in a small office. I don't think either of us want to have an affair and it's not the best circumstances to start a relationship anyway. I'm sure if anything had happened it would have ended badly and hurt everyone involved. Still it feels like a kind of purgatory some days... I know what you mean. Wish it hadn't caught up with me when I was already married with a child But I guess everything happens for a reason...I feel annoyed when I think of my younger self and how easy it would have been for me to pursue other relationships with women if that's what I thought I had wanted but I just don't think I realised it then (if that makes sense). I wonder if ending up with a man was the easy option for me (but not necessarily the one that would make me happiest). Snowshoe that is very encouraging, great how some chance encounters have led to meeting more people/groups. I think a friendship is a good foundation for a relationship (that's how it started with the relationship I had with a woman), so who knows where these friendships might lead...I know what you mean about establishing boundaries in bi/gay friendships, something I'm still trying to figure out I think.
So many of the things you suggest here are helpful . I think that the idea of building friendships, patience and a thick skin for rejection are the biggest steps I need to work on now. How did you meet so many of these new friends Snowshoe? I am finding just a couple of local groups, and I'm definitely going to be trying to join their meetups, but just wondering if there are things I'm overlooking. I wish there were places in the city known as "gay hangouts", like bookstores, cafes, etc. Maybe there are and I'm just so out of touch.... ---------- Post added 8th Mar 2016 at 06:43 AM ---------- Aw, that certainly is tense and a tough spot to be in to work with an unrequited crush. All of the stuff you said about how you feel just beginning at this stage to acknowledge your non-hetero orientation, while married with a child, I feel so much of those same feelings! I am trying to get over that hump of regret, and I think at least in the moment I'm starting to get a little bit of a better perspective. But this is the path that got us to where we are, all the bits of us, so we have to start letting go of this regret, bit by bit.
Yes, I think I am a bit earlier in the process than you even though I have previously had a relationship/slept with women. I think I have just never really come to terms with it properly for reasons I'm unsure about. I try not to dwell on regret too much, as you say everything that has happened to us has made us who we are. I am glad I have had all the experiences I have had with both men and women. I'm looking forward to feeling a bit more at ease with myself in the future and a bit happier about who I am and being able to express that fully (if that makes sense!).
