When I ask myself whether I spend most of my day feeling good and confident, I laugh and dismiss it. I'm constantly working on trying to know who I am and trying to feel OK about it. And too much of the time I’m looking for this feedback (validation) from the outside—other people's, accomplishments, a number on the scale—instead of looking inside myself. This approach can be used with an analogy of an old tree. My trunk is where my strength and sense of self is. It’s literally grounded, connected to the earth through a network of roots, and it’s solid, hefty, and multilayered. Up higher are the branches, and at their ends lay the leaves, constantly blown around by wind or rain. If I think of other people’s opinions (on sexuality, or traffic, or problems at work, or financial worries, etc.) as the weather, and my sense of self as the leaves, I can see how quickly and often I get battered. When I continue to “live” up in my leaves, I feel that I’m easily swayed or, worse, hammered by outside influences. If I can work on “living” in my trunk, I feel solid, unable to be knocked down. So how do I get out of my leaves? First, I recognize what I’m doing. For instance, if I’m feeling a lot of anxiety and depression, this could be a clue that I’m worried about how other people see me. Anxiety commonly carries a message of “I have to be perfect or other people will feel let down.” Depression often sounds like “I’m not good enough.” Both of those statements, and the hundreds of other, similar ways I beat up on myself, I lose track of how I feel about myself, and instead are all about the way I think I come across to others. When I recognize that I’m being hard on myself because I’m worried how others will perceive me, I need to label that: I’m doing it again—I’m in my leaves. Then I need to turn my attention to my trunk. My idea of my trunk will take some time to develop, but it can be an enjoyable project. First, I need come up with an image. I can look online for a lovely picture of a tree, remember one I grew up with, or create my own fantasy picture. Next, I think about the qualities that make me unique, and that I feel good about. My values, strengths, and dreams are a good place to start. By making lists and spending some time considering these characteristics, I may come up with a stronger sense of who I really am and what I like about myself. Values are how I decide what’s important to spend my time on, and if my life fills me with a sense of purpose. If I’m not clear on where my values lie, then I can feel lonely, alienated, or confused, and open myself up more to being manipulated. Thinking about my values will enable me to get in touch with my spiritual beliefs, lessons from relatives or mentors I admired, or books or movies I’ve felt inspired by. Listing strengths can be really challenging for myself because I’m battling low self-esteem. This is a priority for me to turn-around. Finally, I need to look into my dreams. What did I want to be when you I was a child? Was there anything I felt passionate about as a young adult? I believe I was the most idealistic in my teens and twenties. I found causes or had goals that were self-important and principled. By looking at them, or remembering them, I can get in touch with what fires me up and makes me feel committed—and passion and commitment are two of the most important qualities shared by happy people. By turning my attention from my leaves (the outside judgments of other people, the annoyances of daily life) to my trunk (the inside assets and standards we appreciate about ourselves), I can worry less about what other people think of me and concentrate more clearly on who I am and know myself to be. Which is the very definition of self-esteem.
