Hi everyone. Haven´t posted much for the past weeks. Sometimes I feel like I can´t give much advice here since I´m not out yet and with little experience. Anyway. For the past 2-3 weeks I´ve just been sad. So my story is that I´m married to a man, we have 3 kids, he knows nothing, I´m terrified of divorcing and leaving the secure family life. But I´m out to myself and I´m happy with that. I´m not questioning anymore and on the inside I have felt free. But now I feel stuck. I feel sad. I feel like I´m never going to be able to live the lesbian life I want. I don´t want to change the life for my kids. I don´t want to change the routine life we have. Of course everything would change a lot. I just feel like I can´t do it. I don´t feel strong enough. And that makes me sad. I want to hold a woman´s hand, I want to kiss a woman, feel the closeness and feel in love. And of course I also feel awful about not telling my husband. Living in one big lie. So this is probably the first time I´ve felt down and upset since I came out to myself. I felt so good and free when I took it in and now... just nothing. Don´t know when I can take the next step.. or if I can at all.. :icon_sad:
I am in a very similar position - long term relationship with a man and a young son. Wanting to be with a woman but not being able or have the courage to leave. If you find the answer then let me know : )
I've been in the situation of trying to figure out if I can split up my family. There is a lot to work through. First up. How do you feel about your husband? Not how you think you should feel. Not how others expect you to feel. Not how he wants you to feel. How do YOU feel? Secondly. How do you feel about living with him. Not as a part of your family. Not the comfort and security of living with him. Not fitting into the social norm. But how do you feel? How do you see your future. Your future life. What do you want? Can you continue living a lie? How will you cope with doing that? Once you confront that, then you can begin to figure out the rest. And no. I haven't forgotten about the kids. You have to figure out the rest first. Because then you'll have an idea of how you'll work out the kids.
Good questions. I love my husband as a friend and as the father of my kids. We are good friends and we make our daily routine work quite well. But for me, there is not more to it. I don´t want to snuggle with him, sex with him is just... sex and I can feel I´m not in love anymore. I know people have ups and downs in their relationships but this isn´t just a down period. It´s just how I feel. Living with him and pretending can be hard. Very hard. Sometimes I just want to scream and tell him it´s over, but I know that is not the way to do this. Living in this lie is killing me. I feel stressed, sometimes angry, sometimes sad and fake. I´m working more than I used to and coming home is sometimes more stressful than work. I feel I need to have control so I´m exercising a lot and keeping a close eye on my diet. I know it´s not better for anyone that I keep on going like this. But I´m so scared. Right now I feel like I will never be able to take this step.
Ok...so you know he only way you can move forward now is to come out to him? And it's going to be tough.
Hi ssxElise, I just wanted to post to give you some support and encouragement. So much of what you say echos alot of my feelings and experiences. Big big hugs. I think the first place to start is thinking about little steps. I've only taken some small steps, and have a long way to go, but every step has made me feel more free and more in touch with myself. Are you thinking about coming out to your husband?
I think coming out to my husband is my next step and I think about it a lot. It´s not a small step, it´s acutally the biggest step to take. But I don´t see smaller steps to it. I came out to my sister in December. That took a lot of weight off my shoulders and I needed that because I had so many emotions built up and didn´t know what to do with them. Anger, stress, frustration, self-hate.. I don´t want to come out to more people before my husband. And I don´t want to act on my lesbian feelings before I tell him. Most of all, I just want to shout out to the world that I´m gay!!!! But it´s hard. We have built ourselves a great life and changing it all and risking it all is just overwhelming to me. Thank you all for your support. Just good to talk about this to people that have been there or are there.
