Hi everyone, I am still in the same place, living together with other-sex partner, two kids, she knows nothing. Last time with my therapist I asked, what if I just come out to her just for the sake of getting this anxiety out of my chest that is slowly killing me, without thinking too much about what comes next. Like just sharing something with her so that we can decide together what to do. He said 'ok, but then she might ask: why are you telling me this? What do you want to do about it?'. If I say that I want to do nothing about it, then I am back to square one. He wants me to think deeply about what I want, and I still find hart to face it. I know that it hurts her that I never proposed after so many years, but I cannot look into her eyes and say I love you and I want to marry you. This alone should suffice as evidence that the right thing to do is to let her go and find someone who truly loves her in the right way and wants to marry her. I love her but in another way, the companionship, the feeling of being a family, etc... Its a catch 22 between the anxiety in the closet and the fear of what is outside it. I suppose I will step out once it becomes unbearable inside. When the day comes, she will certainly ask those questions my therapist mentioned and if I am honest with her, I will have to say that it is because I want to live my life as a gay man and this would mean the end of the relationship. There is no 'come out while keeping things as they are' option.
This is exactly what happened in my situation. I was so concerned about getting the secret off my chest, but my wife didn't know what to do with the information. However, the fact that you say you can't look her in the eye and say you love her sounds to me like you are in fact looking for more. I feel like I'm hardly the one to dispel advice right now, because I'm only one small step ahead of you in the process. One thing I do know for certain, although things get topsy turvy after you confide, not having that anxiety in your chest is an amazing feeling. Already I've sort of forgotten how bad that ache was. I feel your anxiety and it's a scary place to be. One day, when you have the courage and push through, you will be grateful... words I thought I wouldn't be saying just two weeks ago.
Hi Mr B. (*hug*) I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. I'm also not in the best place to give advice, because after coming out nearly 6 months ago, I still don't know what this means for my marriage or for myself. But I can say that it gave me an immense relief and helped me feel like I am growing as a person to take that first step. I went through a lot of ups and downs after that, but now I'm in a more level place and trying to work through all of the questions about what this means for me. I can't say what would be best for you, but as for me, I don't regret coming out to my husband before having an answer as to what it means for our marriage. I wish you the best whatever you decide.
I agree with baristajedi - I'm not sure you need to know what you want to do about it. The knowing itself is hard enough, figuring out what you want to do about it could take time. And the longer it goes on, the harder it will be for her. I knew something was going on for quite some time with my ex, but I didn't know what it was and it was six months after he'd come to terms with being gay that he told me. So for six months, I was trying madly to figure out what was wrong, how I could fix it, whatever. When he came out to me, I did ask - what do you want to do, how do we go forward, and I don't know would have been a wholly acceptable response. It's okay to not know. But once she has all the information, the communication about how to go forward can happen with both parties. It's a tough place to be, I know. (*hug*) Wishing you all the best going forward.
Thank you for the amazing replies HereWeGo, Baristajedi & Driedroses, I am also more inclined to share my secret with her sooner rather than later. If I just open up to her and she asks the difficult questions, I can say I don't know, which is the truth. I love her, I care about her, I admire her and I enjoy her company. However, I crave for acting out my gay side, which I do not honestly believe I will be able to repress forever. The thought of never experiencing it in its fullness during my lifetime is depressing to the point of making me question what would be be the point of living such a life. The probable conclusion is that our relationship does not have a future as it currently stands. She might choose to end it right there on the spot, which would be an incredibly hard but acceptable outcome. At least there would be closure, and the freedom to move on, and I wouldn't feel guilty, after all, I just told the truth and faced the consequences. Alternatively we might decide together to try for a bit longer, at least until the smallest one starts going to kindergarden. At least she would have time to process and deal with the whole thing, after all I know it for longer than her and had time to get used to the idea. At least, thid would give her time to adapt, to communicate, to learn, etc... Even if after a while we decide its better to part ways, at least would not be so abrupt on her.
Mr B It seems to me that you already know what you need to do and why as well as how hard it's going to be. I agree with your therapist that you'll want to prepare for coming out to her as best you can. It sounds like you want to end the relationship, so I would suggest that you come out to her as gay first. That will generate a lot of discussion and emotions as she reacts to the news. When that dies down and she asks what next?, you can say that you would like to break up and then ask for her opinion if she agrees or disagrees. This thread may be helpful regarding things to keep in mind as you come out to her - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/205538-married-gay.html#post2970194. You probably also want to review the recent threads about coming out to wives, to get a sense of how she might react. Even though you are not married, these threads will contain information pertaining to your situation of coming out in a mixed-orientation relationship. I'd suggesting using your anxiety as motivation to prepare for this difficult and important conversation.
