Do you feel like you have a great deal of internalised homophobia? I'm only just starting to understand just how much internalised homophobia I have and how it has really impacted (and still impacts) me. I don't know why it's taken me so long to recognise the shame and insecurity that I've had and that still lives in terms of my feelings for women. And it's time to start chipping away at it. I'm trying to inspect it and understand it better, so if you feel like reading, I'll try to share a bit with you. I think with my first girl crush, when I was 10, I didn't feel a lot of shame. I remember thinking, oh I guess I'm gay. I knew I shouldn't share it with anyone, but I felt ok feeling all the things I was feeling. But I was confused. I liked boys only up to that point, and I didn't really understand the idea of bisexual. I think this was one of the few times I just simply let myself feel whatever I was feeling for a girl. As a teenager, all of my crushes, I passed off as deep admiration, or maybe jealousy of their (my girl friend's) time, by the time I was feeling consistent emotional/romantic/physical attraction as a pre-teen and teen towards girls, I wasn't comfortable with those feelings. I tried to explain them away. I was uncomfortable seeing women kiss, touch, show affection in general as a teenager. I wanted to be ok with it, after all, I was ok with men being affectionate, being physical, being loving towards each other. I was taught to be ok with homosexuality, but it was really uncomfortable for me to think about women being intimate. I remember wanting to face this discomfort, but at this age I had distanced myself and my own desires from this interest. I would pick up books and watch movies focused on lesbian romance and make myself get through it until it started to feel less uncomfortable. And once I started to be ok with it, I also started to recognise my own desires again. I guess that openness was noticeable (albeit, the door to the closet was only open a mere crack), but still I think my feelings were at least apparent to others. From around 18 on, I was often approached by women and I half-heartedly returned the attention, but never let myself really go there. There were so many almost kisses, coffee dates that I backed out on, flirtations that I passed off in the end, oh I'm not interested, sorry. The woman at the party, the woman at work, the woman at the bookstore, on my trip abroad, at the gay bar (mixed male/female gay bar, yes even flirting at a gay bar I still managed to think I'm not interested in women). Ok so now I'm married to a man and these "almost" moments are well behind me. But I don't want them to be. I'm not sure what that means for my marriage but I'm not sure how much that question even matters right now. I'm not very brave, I've always been insecure, hidden in shame. But I want to face my fears now. Thinking about being with a woman right now, being vulnerable with a woman, in equal measures terrifies me and exhilarates me. I think it's time I let my walls down. I'm not planning on cheating, in case it sounds that way. But I'm looking at meetups and groups nearby, and I think I'm ready to be honest for the first time, with myself. It sound so small, but I just want to share another woman's gaze. That's my first goal. Eye contact. Gah, can that be how terribly closeted I really am? That eye contact terrifies me?
The first eye contact, when you're not expecting it, is wonderful. In my case, I had not idea I wasn't straight till that eye contact... Such a simple thing...but it changed my life, for the better. Eventually. Lol. When I let it.
I'm really wanting to get out now and meet people. This is giving me something to llok forward to. Can I really have the courage to let my walls down? I am looking for meetups and events, I'm hoping to do something this week, I really don't want to wait anymore.
You are stronger than you think. I'm not out, in a lot of doubt and confusion but still decided I need answers. So I contacted the local gay support group, started talking to people about my issue who I don't know in real life but do know for years through a forum and tomorrow I have my first date! Everything is scary as hell, but you'll manage!
I can totally relate to the eye-contact thing. I'm gay, I know this now, but I'm not gay around anyone at all (other than my therapist, which is good, but not really real life). So I've not had that, "I know that you know that I know we're both gay and I'm good with that" moment of recognition with another man. So I've been looking at meetups as well (nothing good yet), and I get the terror part. It's definitely a line to cross, and in my mind there's a giddy sense of untethered free-fall when I imagine it.
Congrats on your first date! exciting! I'm hoping I can be brave, I actually today feel like the fear is evaporating a bit just by having acknowledged how scared I am. It's being replaced by eagerness, and now I'm just like where can I meet ladies???:lol: I'm sure the nerves will kick in many times again as I get out there... ---------- Post added 8th Mar 2016 at 02:30 AM ---------- Yes, this double edged sword of I'm scared but I want this so much. I just want to be free and I want to be brave enough to be raw and vulnerable and real about my feelings with a woman. I almost made eye contact with s really cute woman at a cafe a few months ago. I think she was flirting with me, but I just panicked and looked away. We can do this, we just have to keep telling ourselves that.
Until joining here I'd never heard of internalised homophobia - I can see its a issue for me, no wonder with the attitudes I've grown up with. I can meet the gaze and possibly appear confident but I feel so shy & awkward. I've had a woman I met for the first time (who was out n proud) stand in front of me & hold my gaze, I felt she knew - I didn't understand how, but she did. My family are homophobic, especially my parents - Dads the worst.
I think I did when I was in my 20's. Looking back at how some of my friends acted round me I think they took it as I was in denial.... How right they were
I very much understand about the internalized phobia and unfortunately it is still there for me a little. I didn't really grasp it until I realized/accepted my own sexuality. I too am trying to find groups (basically none) and meetups in my area. I haven't been lucky with much geared specifically towards the gay community so I've just started joining meetups with hopes of just finding friends and generally branching out. My wife is a little hesitant with all of this, mostly due to the fear of losing me. She is understanding though with what I need now so is going along with it, even slightly considering coming along to make friends too (of course I suspect her motives though). It's really scary for both of us and I've found myself even regressing once in a while due to the fear I believe.
