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Stuck in transition

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by canonymous, Mar 7, 2016.

  1. canonymous

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    Hi. I am in mid 30s and just fully realized my sexual orientation over the last 6 months. The signs were there for years but I either ignored them without knowing or just wasn't aware of it. In any case- now, I have dated and hooked up with several guys but nothing serious (yes, I'm in the adolescent phase right now in that respect). I came out to 1 friend 4 months ago. She was extremely supportive, but I just haven't mustered up the ability to come out to anyone else since, although I'm on the verge of doing so. I also started drinking a lot more but I cut back on that recently. I'm not married and have no children, so at least I don't have that to deal with.

    I am writing because I feel like I am in turmoil on the inside. I have a hard time concentrating on work during the day, and my mind is usually filled with turmoil, anger, sadness, fear, or anxiety. This has gone on for months now and it is just waring me down. I just want to come to some level of peace with myself and move on and feel better. I know that a lot of my feelings stem from internalized homophobia. I grew up in a small, ignorant town and was raised in a conservative, catholic home (I know- feel free to roll your eyes). Question is- what do I do from here? How do I deal with this? I feel like I am stuck at an impass right now.
     
  2. SiennaFire

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    Hi canonymous,

    Welcome to EC :welcome:

    Congratulations for coming out to yourself. It takes a lot of courage to accept that one is gay, especially when you learned growing up that being gay is wrong and sinful.

    The best way to heal the shame is to come out as a proud gay man. I've found that the more people I've come out to, the less shame I feel because I'm no longer hiding in the closet. My blog post offers some ideas as well - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/siennafire/11706-healing-shame-being-bisexual-gay.html. I would strongly encourage you to read The Velvet Rage as referenced in the blog post.

    Boston has a number of excellent LGBT meetups, so I would encourage you to engage with the community if you haven't already done so. Having gay friends is a very helpful way of getting support in real life.

    If you find that these suggestions do not help you, feel free to follow up.
     
    #2 SiennaFire, Mar 7, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2016
  3. I'mStillStanding

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    Hi I understand the shame part. I was raised in a very small town and religious home. But I agree with what Siennafire said. The more people I tell, the easier it is. Even though the reactions haven't been v the best.I feel better about myself and that is what matters to me :slight_smile:
     
  4. canonymous

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    SiennaFire,
    Thank you so much for replying to my blog post. I greatly appreciate it. I do have a couple of questions though on what you wrote:

    -I know you wrote that coming out as a proud, gay man will reduce the shame. The question is, how do I get the pride in the first place? It seems like a catch-22 so to speak. It's hard to have pride when even most progressive I people I know have some level of condescension towards gay people.

    -As for meetups, I actually tried to go to a gay fundraiser last week, but when I got to the door I just couldn't bring myself to go inside. I was gripped with fear. Also, when I go to gay bars, I go right to the dance floor rather than the bar area. It seems like chit-chatting with people just based on sexual orientation is weird. Have you had these types of experiences yourself?

    Thank you for your help, and if is there anything I can advise you on please feel free to ask.
     
  5. SiennaFire

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    You get the pride by coming out. You mentioned that you came out to 1 person who sounded accepting. Why do you think that the other progressive people you know won't be as accepting or have some level of condescension towards gay people? Even if they do, so what? Why do you need their permission or approval to feel pride and love for yourself as a gay man?

    Maybe you'll need to attend a few meetups before you get to the point where you are ready to come out to more people, but coming out when you are ready will help you feel more comfortable.
    Yes, we all experience fear when we do things that are new. You have to push yourself to overcome the fear. As for the fundraiser or any meetup, all you have to do is walk in. Don't think about anything else except walking in. Once inside you will discover friendly, welcoming people who are there to help a great cause and meet other LGBT people.

    Talking to people based on sexual orientation may be weird, but it's absolutely necessary. Here's the thing. Straight kids get to go through an adolescence designed for straight kids, including rituals such as sports, dating, and so forth. Gay kids are not so lucky. We learned that being gay is wrong, evil, or bad through society, church, parents, and friends. We didn't have a proper gay adolescence, so that's why it's important to talk to other gay guys in a non-sexual context such as a fundraiser or meetup as a way of learning what it means to be gay.

    If you like to read books, I would strongly encourage you to read The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs and 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love by Joe Kort. Each of these have helped me learn how to be a gay man after decades of denial.
     
    #5 SiennaFire, Mar 10, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2016