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Hurting Her Already;Not Even Out to Her

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TravelerMe, Mar 8, 2016.

  1. TravelerMe

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    My wife has not been in a good place emotionally for a while. We're in a tight spot financially after living a fairly comfortable life for most of our married life. I've not done as well since the economy went bad in real estate and recently lost my job. I also, work for myself and now rebuilding that business to make up the income and maybe save etc.

    With kids now approaching college age the stress is really getting to her.

    My plan has been to not come out to her until my business is in full swing and we can be in a less stressful position. She has been in such a delicate state I'm afraid that would put her over the edge.

    Today after an anxious discussion about money I found her crying and she told me how unhappy she was. How she hates living as frugally as we have and listed many of my shortcomings that were making things worse; my getting in shape and caring about my looks too much and that I've been so disengaged and distant from her and the kids. I can't imagine telling her I'm gay at this point. She never deserves it but now seems most inappropriate

    Much of that is true. While I know I need to be more present and keep being a good father my mind does wander; I often want to be somewhere else; I guess its showing.
    So I will make more of an effort to mitigate that but in the meantime I still want to progress personally; accepting myself for who I am. I've accepted I'm gay and actually am glad; don't feel cursed and love saying to myself.

    I fear hurting those I love and feel bad about my recent failings. But, the whole time I listened to her while she cried I realized this isn't where I want to be in the long run.

    Also, I never thought I would have or needed what many talk about as a trigger crush but I met a guy that's got my head spinning. Knowing he or someone like him could be in my future has really motivated me to get things going financially and emotionally.

    Just rambling on here but need to get it out. Feeling a bit low at the moment.
     
  2. Carpe noctem 16

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    It's amazing to see how many people are kinda going through the same thing. Just a couple of days ago I decided that i want to have relations with a guy. I too am married and growing a business but its been very difficult times this past year. As a result, the wife and i havent really had much sex, so i turned to porn. To make a long and complicated story short, i ended up watching gay porn. And now just the thought of a guy gets me aroused. I too want too get back in shape too possibly hook up with a nice cute guy. The idea of experiencing that got me motivated to get shit done! But at the same time im so lost and scared about the future bc im leaning towards being bisexual. Also, the hurt that im going to cause my wife. :-(
     
  3. Nickw

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    I am still struggling with officially coming out bi to my wife (I've known my whole life). After a long dry spell with my wife, I almost hooked up on CL with a guy. That, and a couple of dangerous flirtations with both men and women, got me pretty freaked and feeling guilty.

    So, I decided I had to fix everything. MY marriage, MY health, MY sexuality issues, HER relationship with her family, HER business, finances... I think out of guilt, I am taking on all of it. It is sort of what I have always done. Now, I am cleaning house before coming out and I have no intention of leaving the marriage.

    In reality, marriage is a two-way relationship. Regardless of sexuality issues, it really is not, solely, our responsibility for maintaining the happiness of our spouses. Sometimes one digs the hole deeper. At some point, we are all going to have be be totally open and honest. Sometimes sooner may be better than later...for you guys:icon_wink!!!
     
  4. Carpe noctem 16

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    Freaking craigslist man! I think i would of hooked up with a guy on there too. Thankfully, this site has helped me stay away from CL and not make a stupid mistake.
     
  5. Nickw

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    I know. I met the guy...we both started laughing about how stupid we were and parted ways...I booked a therapist the next day! It would have ended my marriage.
     
  6. CameronBayArea

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    TravelerMe - My wife and I were in a similar position a few years ago. Looking back, I don't think there was anything I could have done that would have satisfied my wife, especially in the long-run. The deficiencies she saw in me were inherent to my sexuality. By choosing to avoid the root cause of our problems I wasn't doing either of us any good. All I did was delay the inevitable and waste five prime years for both of us.

    Many wives, mine included, are actually relieved to know the truth. Very often they feel bad about themselves and their desirability. Some are even joyful. Knowing the truth can take a lot of pressure off them.

    In my view, the biggest challenge in your situation isn't your wife, your job or your finances. It's the guy you've met. As a rule, children are not understanding or forgiving when their parents have an affair. I would therefore strongly encourage you to get your home life resolved before you get involved with anyone. Actually, I would encourage you to get your home life resolved, wait a minimum of six months, tell everyone you're starting to date, THEN consider getting involved with someone. Statistically speaking, most romantic relationships don't last forever, however your relationship with your kids will. Do your best by them now and they will continue to love and support you. It's not an easy journey, but if you know you are destined to take it, choose the high road.
     
  7. Mr B

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    I relate to this thing of wanting to be healthier and look better. Also, its almost as if she feels threatened if I take bold steps in that direction and there is always this look of 'you always put yourself first', what about me, the kids, etc... She doesn't share my enthusiasm for my interests, the look on her face when I talk about my interests is saying 'this guy only talks about HIMSELF.' The feeling of guilt is something I can no longer stand when I look at her and she almost always appears vulnerable, miserable, tired or stressed.
     
  8. Carpe noctem 16

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    Im trying to avoid that situation as much as possible , so im forcing her also to work out and get in better shape along with me!
     
  9. TravelerMe

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    Thanks. I hear you guys. When I finally couldn't take being bottled up I did look for hook-ups. I don't want to lead a double life and do not plan on having an affair. The guy I met a while ago lives 1,100 miles away so its not happening. He knows my situation and we chat and face time every now and again. I'm a bit indifferent (not feeling real guilty) on any past hook-up and agree to not act on urges so as not to hurt the kids.

    My wife and I haven't really been intimate for over 10 years. We've been a great team raising great kids we're just not lovers. She's never complained about it really; and actually put me off when I've tried to be close in the past. But I know what I am for sure now and know what I want; its not just sex that's for sure. Just want to be me. Therapy coming too :slight_smile:
     
    #9 TravelerMe, Mar 8, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2016
  10. Nickw

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    Blunt question TravelerMe. What is it besides your raising your kids do you get out of the relationship with your wife? No intimacy for 10 years? I wonder what she expects you to do to fill that need...regardless of your orientation?
     
  11. TravelerMe

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    Great questions. Raising our kids is a big deal; just the manpower alone is a challenge. I recognize that as they get older it becomes easier to do that apart. I enjoy her company and I do really enjoy some married couples in our social circle but honestly I'm as comfortable maybe more around my gay friends. So no I don't get a lot out of our relationship that's unique; its more a friendship/partnership than a romance for sure.

    As far as what she expects; I have no clue. I suppose she's wondered if I've looked to mess around. We haven't talked about our lack of relations for sometime.
     
  12. Nickw

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    I wonder if letting her know would be a relief for her too? Even with my current problems, I always felt there was an underlying romance with my wife for nearly 35 years. It was just buried under the burden of daily living. My wife has indicated, recently, she feels the same. It would be sad to not experience that for both of you. Not that what you have built does not have significant value.

    I sense that having more frequent relations is not what you really want, or need, at this time and may just confuse things. However, opening up the communication with my wife about my needs, and hers,(thanks Adray and Nerdbrain and my therapist) made a big difference in our intimacy right away. Your wife may have some needs that she has not directly expressed. You may hear all of this when you come out and it may catch you off guard.
     
    #12 Nickw, Mar 8, 2016
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  13. Carpe noctem 16

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    Traveler i can relate to you but I cant imagine 5 10 20 years living with your wife without sex.

    The wife and i also make a good partnership and doing a good job raising my daughter. I can say that in the past year we had sex maybe 5 times. If things keep going the way they are then maybe i'am heading thay way.

    But now i want a gay or bi guy to talk too. Explore my feelings! Is that acceptable?
     
  14. Nickw

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    Carpe Noctem 16

    I feel the same way about talking to someone. I would really like to sit down and have a beer with another middle-age bi guy and just talk. FWIW, my CL ad that led to my almost hookup was really intended to find someone to share with, not really have sex with. Seems I am getting most of what I need now from this forum.

    The lack of sex would/does kill me. I have a ridiculous libido, for someone my age, and it is a problem when both sexes turn me on! A lot to ask of my wife!
     
    #14 Nickw, Mar 8, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2016
  15. I'mStillStanding

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    So again I'm amazed I'm not alone in this. I too am married, planning on coming out in few weeks. Getting finances in order do I know she will be OK, and exercising to look better lol. While I've only not been intimate with my wife in 18 months, being honest I've never truly been sexual. Now, I feel like a teenager at the idea of dating. I'm waiting to settle things with my wife before I do anything. But in the mean time breaking out plans for "warrner" 2.0 lol
     
  16. TravelerMe

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    You may be right. I have thought maybe well at least she'll understand. I've read on EC a lot of it going both good and horribly bad so I'm thinking about when...

    ---------- Post added 8th Mar 2016 at 05:19 PM ----------

    For me its very gratifying and freeing when I feel free and able to be who I am in front of a friend. I have a close straight friend and a few gay friends I can share this time with; coffee, a beer, a phone call, or a ball game. I'd rather talk about the weather with them acknowledging I'm gay than go to the party of the century and be hidden by my hetero shell and be fake any day.

    So yeah, if you want some conversation; have that. Why not?
     
  17. Nickw

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    Is is sort of strange. You live with someone for decades but cannot really know how they will respond to something. I am afraid to say the words "I am a bisexual" because I have no idea how my wife will react. And, I am pretty sure she knows.

    One thing I think we do know is that we cannot really protect our wives from our truth.
     
  18. Carpe noctem 16

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    Warrner -- happy for you! It seems like you have a plan! Also cudos to you on your first apt with a therapist. Man i feel like a teenager also!!!! Trying to control these urges!

    Nick -- I'm trying so hard not too continue posting ads on CL. Its so scary!! Im thinking im just going to be hopeful and meet a guy who understands my position out in town. For now, Chatting on here is extremely helpful.

    Traveler -- Thats awesome that you get to experience that freedom!!
     
  19. Nickw

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    C Notem

    Could you imagine how bad it would be if you hooked up like that and had to tell your wife you might have caught something and given it to her? I get ill thinking of that! I have no outlet to meet other bi guys. And, I live in one of the most liberal towns in the US.

    I have tried just meeting guys to engage in conversation to see where it heads. I got seriously hit on by a dude one night doing that...that was gratifying (and frustrating). Told my wife about it and she thought it was funny and jumped me...so worked out! Be careful!
     
  20. I'mStillStanding

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    Yea, I just keep in mind that I have to wait. It gets frustrating, especially when someone seems interested. Like the other day at my grandmother's doc appt, a male nurse was totally into me (I think lol). I just remember, once this is sorted I can flirt all I want till then, I'm benched lol