Hello everyone, About three weeks ago I came out gay to my parents and my brother. It went very well and I have their support. The next step is to tell my wife, which I know will be hard on both of us. I have the support of family and two friends. My wife is very conservative and has a strong christian faith. She is also very vocal when expressing her feelings and thoughts, (not yelling and screaming), its more like she does not hear what the other person is really saying anymore and focuses on her response. My question is would it be right to write it in a letter and give it to her and let her read then ask me questions or come out to her in a conversation without the letter. I know with the letter she will have to read it fully to understand it, then I know she will fully hear my side. If any of you have taken this writing a letter route please let me know how you did it. I have tried writing it over the last week and delete it each time because it does not sound right. :bang::bang::bang:
I have not come out to my wife yet, but I think for I'm going to tell her. I don't know, I just want her to hear in my voice my sincerity, pain, love, everything that I've felt through this process. I'm not sure I could put that in a letter you know. But you have to do what's right for you!
Warrner, that is also what I'm talking about, but I don't know if she really needs to know the pain I have been through. To me that is Irrelevant, I want to focus on moving forward. But the my voice part I totally understand too. I'm torn between this.
I think that if she does not want to understand you, then it does not matter whether its a letter or spoken words. I haven't done yet, but will try to focus on how I feel, you can not judge a person for their feelings more than you can judge a person by their eye colour, height or age. I will try to relate all my story to how I feel and felt in the past, like feeling lonely and with low-self esteem and ashamed when I was young, fear of being rejected by friends and family, wanting to be normal and make my parents proud, then excitement and hope when I met her and the feeling of having control over my life and my choices, then the guilt and denial, then the resurfacing of the homosexuality and the anxiety and fear. So, basically a story of my life through the prism of my feelings and how they led to my decisions. I will have to ask her for forgiveness and be prepared to forgive her if she hates me. I guess that would set up the ground for the healing process, but then, it might take time, no one knows how long. A good outcome would be to be forgiven and remain on good terms with her. A perfect outcome would be everyone is able to be move on with their lives and find true happiness.
I came out to my wife in a conversation. I prepared a script and created some canned answers to her anticipated questions, and then I memorized the script and answers. While you need to do what you think is right for you, I personally felt that having the courage to tell her in person is the least I could do.
Didn't think of doing a script and memorizing it. That may be the way to go for me. Thanks for the input.
Maybe think about how you'd like to receive the information and see if that helps your decision. If I were receiving a letter, I'd find it passive-aggressive. (But that stems from parents who wrote me letters whenever they felt the need to express disappointment in me). I find it better to have a dialogue where a direct line of communication can take place. I'd respect that a lot more. The other thing is, I wouldn't want some sort of document around that can be referred to over and over, reinterpreted, or used against me in any way. What you're going through isn't easy (I'm still new at this myself) and it can be extremely scary to think about. Just remember that the EC community has your back.
Perhaps now is a good time to review your earlier thread which has a list of things to keep in mind as you prepare to come out - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/205538-married-gay.html
The reason I want to make sure my gets to see the depth of the emotions is I still love her. I'm not in love but she is my best friend so I'm hoping to be able to come through this with some type of relationship. I hope anyway...
Hey it's good you got Fanily support i'm glad to hear you had enough courage to Step up and come out I think a letter would be a good idea whatever works for you another good way would be To get your wife alone and have a one on one chat With her and tell here your gay She might be. A bit upset But she might give you support get a divorce so you can go be with a man but I say She wil still remain your friend there's gonna be a lot of emotion in your chat with her so get ready for lots of tears
Ok I have wrote my script to come out to the wife, and have been reading it over and over. Been trying to think of how to answer questions she may ask when I do this, and adding the answers to it. This has been so helpful doing it this way for me at least it is. I have also shared it with my two support people and they have also posed questions that may arise. Stay tune for the next segment.
