Hi there. I'm trying to get a deeper understanding of my shame about my feelings for women, where it comes from, where it all started. This is a long one, I'm not sure if anyone will get through it . If I try to pinpoint the feelings of shame, where they started, what that felt like, the first thing that comes to mind is feeling dirty. The feelings I had for girls/women, the feelings women had for eachother made me feel dirty. I can't put it into clearer terms just yet but I can think/remember in images, sensations, moments, experiences. I thought I was dirty anyway, contaminated. I was only 7 when I was abused but I was starting to become curious about sex not long before that, in the most naive way, just noticing that some people drew my attention, I wanted to look longer and wanted to be closer to certain boys than others (at that point it was just boys). But then he came along... A 17 year old named Chris. He made me do things, touch him, things that I knew were not right. Even before he abused me, the things he persuaded me to do, unkind things to my brother, my rock, the only person who really made me feel secure at that time. I felt dirty for doing those things to my brother, but Chris, my abuser knew that I was vulnerable, he filled an empty space that had grown as a result of big changes, my parents' divorce, my sisters' both moving away (one to college, one to her own apartment). And so I did those things, helped him taunt my brother. What followed, the things he took from me, the sexuality that should have been mine, he left me feeling so disgusting, dirty. I was a freak, no one understood my feelings, my perverted desires. I thought about sex all the time after that, most of the other 8, 9, 10 year olds I knew didn't think about things that way. And next to my friends, the other kids in school, I was just this freak, this weirdo. When we moved I didn't make friends easily. Sarah wasn't someone I particularly liked, she was popular, not kind. But she had this way of moving, laughing, curves that she was just growing into. I liked to look at her so much. I don't think I particularly felt ashamed for that, but I knew that these feelings, "gay feelings" weren't something I could share with anyone. It became one of my less scandalous secrets. I learned to keep my sexual thoughts to myself, and these were not "perverted" like some of the thoughts I had, thoughts about wanting to f* all the time, wanting grown men, wanting to be a prostitute. But little by little, anytime I thought about girls in this way, I started to feel less and less comfortable with those feelings. I started hearing more and more, from frirnds, peers, that it was weird, gross, unnatural to be "homo". It sort of went from a secret pleasure to a secret perversion. Soon I was not even admitting to myself that I had these feelings, and I believed on some level that I didn't. The only remnant of those feelings was that dirty feeling, anytime I observed women being intimate, romantic, physical. At the same time, I kept wanting to read or watch romantic stories about lesbian love. Coming of age as a lesbian, lesbian crushes, lesbian romance. It made me so uncomfortable, but I wanted to see it. I fantasised about women only, but channeled all of my real life romance/sexual interest in boys, later men. And then when I did start to admit it again, at around 18, 20, even out loud a few times to my brother, to a friend, that I liked women, I was still so uncomfortable. It still had this sense of something dirty. I knew on some level, on various occasions that I was trying to be open to my desires. Sometimes I would lean into it, flirt, accept a date with a girl, get close, let a woman touch me, come in close for a kiss. But in the end that shame, that fear, that denial crept in before I could let myself just be, just do, just enjoy. And so here I am now... So far, coming out has been in large part internal, it's been verbal with family, friends. But now I want it to be tangible, real, I want to feel all of those emotions building in the pit of my stomach, my chest, and I want to feel her soft lips, her skin, not just in my imagination, but I want my internal desires to sync with my real experiences. This is the only way I think I can let go of that shame, to act on what I feel. I have some ideas about how to start, but I need to keep my anticipation in check...just wanting something and pursuing it doesn't mean it will happen as soon as I want it to.
A few quick thoughts in response to the book If you haven't already done so, you should seek therapy regarding the abuse from Chris. While abuse does not impact sexual orientation, it can make it harder to understand and accept one's sexual orientation. My blog post lists some things that I did to overcome the shame, some of it is specific to gay men (such as The Velvet Rage), but it may give you some ideas. Most gay boys grow up feeling different, even if the term "gay" was not readily accessible to them. It sounds like you had a similar feeling growing up. Because most gay people in the later in life section did not have a proper gay adolescence, we haven't matured sexually as well as our straight counterparts. This is why going to meetups and being around other gays/lesbians is so critical to our acceptance and development because it provides us with a way to engage with our community and learn what it means to be gay. When is your next meetup?
Thinking of my own expierience growing up. I think my 'shame' was more to do with fear of rejection if I were discovered. There was a lot of physical and mental abuse in my teen years making me fear anything that could make me vulnerable to attack. This left me with a lot of self hatred or shame, well negative feelings of some description. The though of loosing what little family connections I had was what kept me in denial.
About therapy - I have been in and out of therapy alot for the abuse since I was little, and am now in therapy to process all my emotions about coming out. The stuff with the abuse has come out in therapy but not this particular aspect. I think I need to explore this side of it more. You said "While abuse does not impact sexual orientation, it can make it harder to understand and accept one's sexual orientation." Yes, at least anecdotally that seems to be what I'm learning about myself. Hypothetically I'm totally ok with being bi. I know it's just a normal part of me that I would have discovered while growing up, regardless of all my other experiences. But obviously I do have some deep shame about my orientation. My sense of the way things might have unfolded, if my life were the same, minus the abuse, is that I'd likely have some challenges accepting my sexuality but I would have accepted it earlier and may have learned much earlier more clearly what I really feel (ie am I truly bi or effectively gay, leaning far more toward women, etc). I think I essentially would have viewed my feelings in a more healthy perspective, even if I'd have some challenges getting there. abour your blog - I'll definitely read this, thanks. You talked about being a gay boy feeling out of place growing up, and yes, I too absolutely, I felt very out of place. Honestly, this is true beyond my orientation, I've always been a bit of a nerd, a big tomboy, quiet and introspective. But the abuse, and later my orientation really pushed me deep into the misfit category. I think a big part of denial of my sexuality was even simply, do I really need one more thing to make me feel so out of place? About meetups - This Friday I'm going to a meetup, I can't wait honestly at this point. I'm getting less and less nervous now, and more eager. I don't want to get my hopes up too much, I don't know if I will connect with anyone, how many people will be there, etc, but it's a start. Then there's another group meeting next Thursday. That one seems especially interesting. I'm planning to make this a weekly or semi weekly thing to go to meetups. So, positive things ahead I hope . ---------- Post added 9th Mar 2016 at 05:15 AM ---------- (*hug*). I want to reach back in time and give teenage you a big hug. I can imagine that must have been a painful time.
Regarding the meetup, it might be helpful for you to think abut this as being more about connecting with the LGBT community initially and less about connecting with a particular individual (which would be goodness). Otherwise you risk disappointment because you didn't hit a homerun during your first time at bat.
I keep trying to remind myself that, and I want both, I want to make friends, make connections with lesbians and bi women because I think that will be important for me in many ways. So I certainly want that and need it. But part of me is more eager than ever to meet a woman I connect with on a more romantic level. I keep trying to remind myself about making friends snd that this is my initial goal, and just to be open rather than expecting the other stuff. But it's really hard to keep that in mind. There's also the issue that I'm married...but I hate to admit that really doesn't deter me from wanting the romance.
Thanks Siennafire for pointing me to your blog. There's so much in the threads that you link to that are helping me think. One particular bit that stood out to me is Greatwhale's mention of vulnerablity. It's this post: ---- Thank you. I think the only way to get rid of shame is first to understand that, as Brené Brown put it "shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging." It thrives on "secrecy, silence and judgment". The next step, once this feeling is recognized is to take counter-measures: enter pride, the feeling of being worthy of love and belonging. Openness counters the forces of secrecy, silence and judgment, shame withers when these elements are no longer present. What is the source of this pride? Vulnerability, as Dr. Brown would put it, "entering into the arena" of life and being seen doing so, taking on the struggle of being open about who we are in all areas of our lives; this paradox of vulnerability as an exercise in taking ownership of who we are is so important in the struggle to defeat shame. -- I think this is the place where my heart is moving. I feel myself wavering between longing for comfort and willing myself to open up to vulnerability. The pull to being vulnerable is winning, and I am just hoping I can garner enough strength to embark and keep myself on that path.
