I've never told anyone this

Hey,

I am 27 and just 3 months ago I was on this place. Had a erotic dream (most vivid ever) involving a guy. This lead to the most powerful sexual release of my life. I was embarrassed, I men I hadn't woke up like that since middle school. Anyway, it was hard accepting the fact I'm gay, after thinking back I realized I have always been gay and just repressed it. I'm married, and I live my wife I'm just not in love with her. It's not fair to her, I can't be the man she needs. And it's not fair for me to stay, she for sure can't be the man I need (lol trying to use humor to distract from the scary future ahead). EC has really helped me.

Now advice, this was given to me here, take a breath. Don't rush into anything. Also you have to make the best choice for you, repressing this will only make things harder down the road.

 

Your right, my wife and I don't have kids. I wonder, say in 20 years your daughter is in a relationship. The gay is struggling with the same issue you are... What you want him to do? Push it away, even if it is means there is a risk he may not be fully in love with her? Or him to figure it out, do if he can't be everything to her he can be honest so she can find someone who can? The reason I ask is (my parents are divorced) because we learn from our parents what love is, and what's acceptable in relationships. Hope I didn't over step.

 

Hi, welcome to EC!

This is a great place to come and talk and learn more from others' stories, so my first suggestion is keep posting and reading other people's posts.

My story's a little different than yours, in my case it's about denial until late in life, rather than realising late in life that I'm not straight. It can be quite a terrifying process, but you're making the first step, and each step will bring you closer to better understanding of yourself.

It seems like you're spinning your wheels in trying to figure out if you're bi or gay, and I think perhaps that question is not necessarily the most important at this stage. Start by acknowledging your feelings for men. What do you feel, what do you want, etc. And try to build your questions and actions from there.

In terms of being selfish - thinking about your needs and your desires is not selfish. This may turn out to be a process that hurts your girlfriend, and believe me I understand the feelings of guilt and concern about hurting your partner, but it's important for both you and your girlfriend for you to understand your needs better. That's not being selfish, it's being self-aware. And in the end, everyone benefits more from you making decisions based on greater self-awareness rather than denial.

I'm far from figuring out much of this for myself. I understand your fears and worries.

I wish you the best as you start figuring all of these questions out for yourself.

---------- Post added 10th Mar 2016 at 06:31 AM ----------

I also have a little girl, I know that this complicates things very much. I'm not sure I'm doing things right, but, I can say that for myself I have started to realise that I have to set aside questions about how this impacts my marriage and think about me and my needs, for the good of my whole family. Only then can I come back to the question of what does it mean for my relationship with my husband, and the life we've established for our daughter. I say that this is for the good of my whole family because my husband and my daughter will suffer as much as I would if I went on as usual and denied my sexuality.

 

You right nothing wrong with window shopping. Just don't put nothing on layaway

Take your time. And no matter what, you can be an amazing dad to your little girl. I'm gonna send you a hug now (*hug*)

 

explore yourself more, but to avoid unfairness if its no too much to ask try to ask your gf some space between the two of you for you to move free.

 

This. I second this. It may not be easy for her to agree for you to have space, but opening the dialogue with your girlfriend is a good start.

My husband doesn't want our relationship to be open. I'm trying to figure out ways to honor that and still explore my feelings. It's not easy to skirt that line but I'll share what I learn with you if you are trying to do the same at some point.

 

The questions you're asking and the fears you have don't make you a coward. This is huge, a huge part of you and your life, it's not easy, be easy on yourself.

(*hug*)

 

See you are taking bad about a friend of mine, calling yourself a coward... Not cool... Yea you are most for sure not a coward. The fact that you are being honest, and here working through it makes you a very brave man. It sucks being in this situation, but no matter what you deserve to be happy and fulfilled in every aspect of life.

 

You got to find new therapist. If your attracted to guys, but realize the idea of being with a man is an issue because of homophobia (which I'm guessing was kinda ingrained in you your whole life) that can't be good for yourself esteem. Are you still on therapy?

I mean I know that it is hard, I use to pray God not let me gay. I had gay friends and never really felt weird about the idea of gay sex (any wireder then I did about hetero sex anyway) I just didn't want people thinking the abuse made me gay or thinking that what happened was OK because I was gay. That internal struggle was hard.

 

I agree about finding a new therapisr, try searching for an lgbt friendly therapist.

 

My best friend was open to us being together but I just couldn't. I wasn't ready to accept who I am. Part of me is like everything happens for a reason (we why went in totally different directions he got involved with drugs) the other part is like you wimp you could have had an amazing time with him. I can't look back I can only look forward.

And my wife, I love her so much. We will always have a connection. We were virgins when we got married. So we got to experience that together. (Now I know have plenty and I mean plenty that I've never done she is really conservative so certain things were never an option). That will still be something we always have. And I will look back and be thankful for our time together. But it's just not for me (sex with a woman I mean).

 

Justasking

I could have written your letter 35 years ago but sort of from the other direction. I thought I was gay but was attracted to women. Back then there was "normal" and "queer". Nothing between the two. Since I was attracted to men, I was "queer". So, I accepted that. But, I was really attracted to women too. I thought I was just a pervert.

You may be bisexual. Congrats! Once I accepted this, I decided I sort of liked it. It is who I am. The real difficulty is how you can express bisexuality in a hetero relationship. This really depends on the specific relationship and there are no clear guidelines that I know of.

Someone suggested sharing with your girlfriend. This is a good idea. I did not do this with enough clarity with my wife. And, it did not seem to matter for 3 decades. But, now I wish I had done it since it will be harder to do now.

Fantasies do not, necessarily, mimic reality. So, be careful with that. Fantasies can sometimes be "just trying something on" to see if it fits. Nothing wrong with that either...as long as you avoid obsessing over them or recognize it is an obsession.