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Three

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TAXODIUM, Mar 10, 2016.

  1. TAXODIUM

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    It's been nearly 5 months since I told her. Since then, we have both been in therapy, both individually and together, trying to make things work. This is how things played out on the second night of our discussions. It's still raw, still emotional. And I'm sure this is the scene that plays itself and over in her head :

    three

    she knows i was in love with him. she said it so matter of factly.
    -you fell in love with him and when it ended you went into a depression. i knew it but i wanted to give you space.

    -how many times did you “experiment”
    -three men. all married.
    -were they one time things or longterm
    -…..
    -YOU FUCKING BASTARD HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?!?! I’M SO STUPID I’M AN IDIOT GODFUCKINGDAMN YOU

    i sat up in the bed, put my head in my hands. she bolted upright, kicked me with her leg under the covers, slapped me hard on the side of the head. I wish she had never stopped, that she had beaten me into unconsciousness.

    -THEY WEREN’T EXPERIMENTS YOU BASTARD THEY WERE AFFAIRS AND YOU DID THAT WITH THEM AND THEN CAME HOME TO ME LIKE I WAS NOTHING YOU’RE A GOOD ACTOR YOU FUCKER HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID YOU OWE ME GODDAMNIT YOU FUCKING OWE ME

    i got out of the bed and curled up in a ball on the floor.

    -you don’t have to do that. come back into the bed please.
    -no. this is where i deserve to be. i will stay here.
    -please. get back in the bed.

    i sat again with my head in my hands. she reached out to touch my back and that’s when all of the things i was never, ever going to tell her spilled out of my mouth in an endless vomitous mass of words and pain and torture that i have carried in my soul since i was conceived.

    -i hate my mother she was supposed to abort me i wish she had fucking killed me so i wouldn’t be here now causing you this pain i wasn’t supposed to be born and then everyone knew they all knew i was the fat nerdy carrot-topped kid that everybody called a faggot because i couldn’t throw a football and i did everything i could to hide it to create an image a façade and when my father asked me confronted me when i was 14 hey boy are you faggot no no no i stepped up my straight game i prayed for hours and days and weeks and years for god to make this go away and he doesn’t fucking exist because if he did he would not have made me like this do you think i wanted to tell you this do you think it’s a choice if there were a pill a shot a drug a cure i would take it a thousand times a day but i just can’t fight it anymore i’m so tired so sad so exhausted from hiding and pretending it’s like trying to change the colour of my eyes i’m sorry so fucking sorry i tried i did my best to keep the lid on but it’s so much bigger than me it wasn’t about rejecting you but finding acceptance for myself with other men it’s like a giant fucking black hole and no matter how much i love you or you love me it eats eats eats like a giant maggot and i just couldn’t control it i couldn’t win i failed i’m a fake i wish you would just beat me because that’s what always happens when i’m bad when i fuck up just please please hit me.

    she held me tight and stroked my hair as i shook and sobbed and clawed at my skin, told me she was so sorry i have been carrying all of this pain, rejection, abuse, all these things i could never tell her but i had to now to connect the dots so she could somehow see but never understand. i told her i’m so sorry that now it’s her pain too, i should have fought harder, i should have won.

    she assured me that i have been an exemplary husband, a great father, a great provider, a good man. i told her i have always idolized her, looked up to her, she is such an amazing woman, mother, wife, friend. she is loved and adored by so many people.

    i begged her not to comfort me, told her i don’t deserve to be, especially after doing this to her. i tried to break away, but she pulled me tighter.

    she’s so scared. terrified. loves me so much. i’m still the man she fell in love with, still the man she married. i’m doing everything i can to comfort her. not looking for sympathy for myself but reminding her that i could have just packed my shit and left with no explanation. but i am here. with her. holding her. doing my best to be honest and own it for once in my life. accept my responsibility for this unspeakable situation.

    the emotions are like a category 5 hurricane. anger. fear. sadness. betrayal. indescribable pain. compassion. love.

    i have no idea how this story ends. i am so worried about her. i just want, need her to understand that she has done nothing wrong, but everything right. she just doesn’t fucking deserve this. she just doesn’t.
     
    #1 TAXODIUM, Mar 10, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2016
  2. greatwhale

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    Oh Taxodium, I have tears in my eyes reading this, it hits so close to home...

    Remember that her anger and her sadness are one and the same, only they are expressed differently. Your remorse is the beginning of your redemption, remember also that she is just as much, if not more so, a victim of homophobia as you are. Never forget that whatever support you get, whatever kudos you get for the courage you are displaying by these disclosures, you must always remember that she is just as worthy of that support and just as much in need of it.

    You are both finding a way to redemption. To redeem yourselves means to find again your worth as human beings, flawed for sure, but redeemed nevertheless by the gut-wrenching effort to repair the damage. Whether you succeed fully, or whether there will always be that open, raw wound, your honesty and your wanting to do the right thing, as you both see it, is the best you can do.

    My heart goes out to you both!
     
    #2 greatwhale, Mar 10, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2016
  3. Forhim

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    Taxodium you did not fail as you had said. But I do understand the eating at you and can't control it. I was in that same place about four months ago. It's hard I know, so I feel your pain on that. From the sound of your post it sounds like you are moving in the right direction. But the physical abuse from your wife is not called for. I understand that you feel you deserve it but you do not. You where made the way you are for a reason. Keep your head held high. BIG (*hug*) TO YOU.
     
  4. I'mStillStanding

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    Ok crying. I have not came out to my wife. Reading this just was heart breaking, I bullied as a kid, over weight, bully for a dad. Sorry you are going through this.
     
  5. TravelerMe

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    Tears here as well. Keep being a good father; keep being a good person. Your sharing is helping so many of us especially like me who haven't told our wives yet.

    The pain you feel just shows how much you care and how much love you have to give. You haven't lost. Being yourself is a win. Hugs.
     
  6. HereWeGo

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    Your post had me welling up with tears as well. So raw. I'm sorry that she hit you, but what's even worse is that you're beating yourself up. You expressed it yourself, this is out of your control. It's a force much bigger than you can reckon with. You fought the good fight and tried for everyone's sake to keep things together. Please try to accept this. You did this out of love because you are a good person.

    I won't pretend to know your situation. I know you've expressed in the past that our stories are similar. If our situations are parallel then try to understand that she wasn't angry at you. She was angry at the uninvited disturbance that entered both your lives. She still recognizes you as a good human being. Listen to what she's saying. You are an exemplary husband, a great father, a great provider, a good man. Keep telling yourself this over and over. You need to believe it. She wouldn't say it unless it was true.

    I really really hope you can come to some sort of peace with your past. I know for me, coming out to my wife has unleashed a shitstorm of emotions and realizations from my childhood that I didn't even know existed.

    I really wish you the best and please know there are some anonymous guys out here on the internet who have your back.

    (*hug*)
     
  7. nerdbrain

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    Jesus. This.

    I have pages and pages of shit like this in my journals.

    I spent so many years suffering alone. Then I found love, hope and respite with my wife. But soon I realized with horror that it wouldn't work and I was about to hurt an innocent person who I love deeply. And then plunging back into depression and misery as we separated and I went back into isolation and paralysis.

    Maybe it's just because it's a lovely spring day here in NYC, but I refuse to go into that horrible vortex anymore. I'm not a monster; I behaved as honorably as I know how. I'm not a victim; I don't believe I was put here on earth to be a vessel for pain.

    I suppose I did "fight the good fight," except that it was a pointless fight -- swinging at windmills with all my might. So much pain, energy and time expended to no purpose at all. So much wasted potential. It's so tragic it's almost comic.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that eventually the screaming pain subsides. Somehow your mind finds some kind of emotional equilibrium, even a temporary one, for survival purposes. And then come the practical questions. What the fuck has been going on for the last few decades? How the fuck did it get this way? And what the fuck do I do now?

    Anyway, that's how it's been going in my case. I suppose existential bewilderment beats blinding pain, so maybe "it really does get better!" Sorry for the sarcasm. I really feel for you and your family right now. In my case there were no kids involved so I can't imagine what that part is like.

    Good luck and keep posting.
     
  8. TAXODIUM

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    Thank you all for your comments and responses. Today she says she prays that I don't change my course again because she will not survive. This is such an incredible, almost unbearable weight to carry. I wish more than anything that I had simply chosen the pine tree instead of telling her.
     
  9. SiennaFire

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    I feel that it's very unfair of her to lay this guilt on you, to ask you to shoulder this incredible burden. She has given her power away in a very unhealthy way, and while it would be very natural for you to accept this guilt and allow her to transfer responsibility for her happiness to you - at some level you must know that you must go against your natural reaction on this one because you can change neither the color of your eyes nor your sexual orientation. Hugs to the fat nerdy carrot-topped kid who is being forced to hide in the closet yet again (*hug*)
     
    #9 SiennaFire, Mar 11, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2016
  10. MayButterfly

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    I'm sorry you are in such pain Taxodium. I don't know what else to say. Hugs!
     
  11. Bluesteel

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    (*hug*) hugs,hugs,hugs(*hug*) I'm so sorry to hear what you have to go through. It really breaks my heart. I haven't yet came out to my wife, so I can only imagine what it's like. I would like to think things will only get better with time. So I hope they do, not only for you but your family as well. Again hugs (*hug*) and if you ever want to chat you are always welcome to write on my wall.
     
  12. driedroses

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    Hi. I, for one, am glad you didn't choose the pine tree. I, for one, am glad you have been able to let go of all that raw emotion and pain and hurt and let it all out. The end of your first post you said - she doesn't deserve any of this, and you're right. But you also, also don't deserve to be carrying around such a heavy weight and hiding all that pain and fear and hatred of yourself. None of us deserve these hard things. We all have baggage to carry - and a wise person told me recently that I have enough baggage of my own, I don't need to be carrying everyone else's as well.

    Her emotions are up and down. She's processing. She loves you. She would do well to see a therapist or join a support group or both. And she probably doesn't yet see a way forward. It takes so much time. I was seriously going to stay married, living separately, for the rest of my life - that was a year ago, a month after he moved out. Now I'm choosing to file the divorce papers. I'm moving on, we're living separate lives, but still have ties because of kids and years of friendship.

    I don't know if you've mentioned straightspouse.org to her or not, but it's at least a starting place. I mention it because I had no idea there were resources. I thought I was navigating my own way, even though I knew people dealt with these things, but not possibly in this century, right? Feel free to let her know that at least one person out here is caring and concerned for her, even if I can't provide immediate, direct support. I understand, I get it, and there are many others who do as well.

    My heart is with you and with her. No one deserves this pain, on either side of the closet door. (*hug*)
     
  13. TravelerMe

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    Hate to hear what you're going through but if nothing else you really are helping others with your story. Hang in there. Hugs
     
  14. TAXODIUM

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    Thanks for the replies and support, everyone. We had another really rough time Sunday night in which she was broken and sobbing, "Look what you did to me" which only increases my own self-hatred and sends me into the darkness of self-destructive thoughts.

    She is in so much indescribable pain. She knows she is being selfish for holding on to me and not "letting me fly." She says she sees that I miserable and unhappy because of her. She feels completely unwanted. And she says she sees and knows that I am sacrificing myself for her, to be with her, so that she will feel safe and happy. Truly, all I want is for her to be happy and to take away this pain that *I* have inflicted.

    It's just all so fucked up.

    DriedRoses: She discovered straightspouse.org early on. I haven't brought it up again, but it's possible that she has been in contact with them. Reading the posts there makes me feel all the more like a monster for what I have done.
     
    #14 TAXODIUM, Mar 16, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2016
  15. driedroses

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    Hey - don't read them until you're ready to. Give yourself space. Give yourself time. I asked my ex to read some stuff there, but not until we'd dealt with it for at least six months. It's hard, I get that.

    And having been in the position your wife is in - I don't think you're a monster. I think it's an incredibly painful situation on both sides. Funny thing is - the monster in the closet? That wasn't you. That was the shame and fear and repression. Opening the closet door lets all that out and into the light.

    I sincerely wish I could do more, say more, be more - to both of you. (*hug*)
     
  16. TAXODIUM

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    Driedroses : Again, thank you so much for this perspective from the "other side."

    She has said in so many words that she does not hate me and then asked so why should I hate myself? How could not when I knew I was hiding, lying, deceiving and much, much later...cheating? How can I not hate myself when I see and feel the pain I have and am inflicting on her?

    We are both textbook cases of co-dependency. Sigh.