I don't know how to really put what I'm feeling into words but in the last week or so I've been going through something transformative in my sense of self and my orientation. I don't really have a full understanding of this change, it's like a sense of anger, a need for action, I suddenly feel like I have shackles on me, and I need to break out of them, it's like this intense desire to say f* all to the things that people believe I am and believe I should be, and instead just be me. I don't exactly know what I want to do, but I want to *do* something. I don't want to stay in this straight prison anymore. I'm not talking about my marriage or anything really tangible. That's a question I think I don't even want to consider right now. This is more like a need to just kick down some kind of invisible walls that have been keeping me from being me. I'm angry, but I feel something else, something I can't quite articulate at this point.... I don't recognise all of these feelings, they're all new. To give it just a little bit of context, I feel like this comes on the heels of recognising the deep shame I've had for so long in terms of my feelings for women. My fear that I still have of actually being with a woman, and the shame and fear that has kept me from ever letting myself be with a woman in my life up to this point. I feel like I'm angry at the shame, and I want to tear it down. It's as if the shame were some kind of external force that I could just extinguish with a death ray. Have any of you ever gone through this kind of intense, angry sort of phase?
I just realised this post may be confusing without knowing anything about my background... So for a bit of background - I came out of the closet about 6 months ago. I'm married to a man, with a little girl. Until now I've been going through all sorts of emotions, lots of ups and downs, but as a whole I would describe it as feeling lost and overwhelmed. But now I'm suddenly feeling this intense set of feelings, anger, etc.... it's all new to me, and I just don't fully know what to do with these feelings.
I've been going through this too, and in the past week as well... It's a mix of emotions... I've begun to reach out to people, and suddenly it's as if I've woken up to my situation. It feels more real, I'm in a straight marriage and I'm miserable. I couldn't say that before. I came out to a friend last weekend and it felt really good. Now I want to hurry up and come out to everyone and get divorced already. But it won't happen nearly that quickly. And I saw a lesbian movie that made me sad and angry. And I've been more teary lately when I'm sad...
I think I'm starting to enter a similar phase myself. I've spent a lot of time feeling miserable and depressed and I'm just done with it. The only way things will change is if I change them. And making changes means getting angry with the status quo -- declaring it unacceptable. In my case, many of the constraints I struggle with are self-imposed. But they are still real and must be dealt with.
This is how I'm feeling, minus the sadness (I went through a lot of sad, broody feelings for a while), but now I'm just like ok I'm ready for the world now, ready now that I understand myself better. I'm braver now. I want to throw off these chains, get out and live my life, but all things have to come in their own pace. There's just no way to hurry up and be in the life that you want to live immediately. I'm trying to be patient. It's not easy. ---------- Post added 11th Mar 2016 at 03:26 AM ---------- I was thinking the same - that this anger, this discomfort is an important nudge to get out and make the changes I want to make in my life. I think many of my constraints are self-imposed too. I mean, sure the world is heteronormative, and I was sexually abused, and these things contributed to shame, but I can own that shame and transform it. And sure, I'm married with a little girl, but I can still live my life as the person I truly am. I can make steps to be who I want to be, there's nothing forcing me to do anything at all, I just need to make the choices that allow me to live out the real me.
I am deeply humbled to have a sig attributed to me, thank you. I'm wondering though if a user name change is in your future, say baristasith or baristasithlady? :starwars:
Well, many of your words have helped me think and given me a much-needed mental kick in the butt. I still have a long way to go...I love the powerful words in the sig (and their geeky roots), they represent a mentality that can help me move forward. Hmm baristasith, I may think about that. Baristajedi is a name that goes back a long way for me, it's my character from a story my brother wrote about me. But with my siggy, it looks like I'm having an epic battle with myself. Ha, when I say it that way, it sounds a bit reflective of something true.
I think this is just a normal progression of feelings about any big life change. My mom the psychologist likes to say, Passive-->Aggressive-->Assertive. That people don't learn to change without changing drastically at first. That's how I interpret it. When I decided once and for all that I was going to stop being in relationships where I had to hide my attraction to women, I busted my life clean open, drove across the country lock stock and barrel to live with a man who supported my bisexuality. Broke my ex-husband's heart in a million pieces. Thankfully he harbors no ill will about it now and he's happily married again with grandchildren. Yay for him. I could never have stayed there and been fulfilled. I had to at least be accepted and encouraged to pursue women if I desired. What that acceptance and encouragement will look like for you in terms of your personal relationships, there is no way of knowing at this point. But I think you are cheerleading for your own happiness and that's GREAT! It doesn't answer questions but it does prove you are ALIVE, that you don't want to roll over and die and submerge it all anymore. I have fewer and fewer answers... just tons of empathy with you. I think on here we seem to jump the heterosexual ship at different points and in different ways and we get out into those wild waters and go :eek::eek::eek:! And we have each other to hold onto when we have nothing else. "Hang in there baby!" (*hug*)
I'm glad that I could help you get to a better place with your thought process. It's no easy task undoing years or decades of homophobic and heteronormative conditioning. These words helped me realize that action was required to break the bonds of homophobic and heteronormative conditioning that had enslaved me. greatwhale was kind enough to give me a gentle kick back in the day, so perhaps one day you'll do the same for another EC member. It's interesting how something as simple as your sig and user name can mirror the conflict that you are feeling in life. Do you continue to cling to the past or change and embrace the future? PS - The question was rhetorical. I'm not suggesting that you change your user name because you will probably end up returning to the light side or becoming a shadow/gray jedi when it's all said and done.
I'm definitely feeling just a bit more alive than I have for a long time. Thats such a good description, it's the feeling that drives me must to try to grow and not stsy still anymore. I feel like what you say about passive --> aggressive --> assertive makes a lot of srnse. But one thing I'd say is that it's largeky internal for me (the nice frin each if thisr states ti another). I'm not really doing anything drastic, but my feelings are definitely fitting that transition. I'm not sure for myself what the final outcome will be for all of this. But I do believe I'm moving towards a greater sense of self-realisation. Whatever form that takes in the end doesn't matter much to me at this point. I feel I'm in a more positive place than I have been in a while. ---------- Post added 12th Mar 2016 at 06:19 PM ---------- I hope I can do the same for another EC member at some point too. It's surreal to think I may reach a point where I feel settled enough in myself to offer the same kind of guidance. I was thinking the same thing about my siggy/username, it's interesting how these internal conflicts surface without even intending to express them. I know its not meant to be a real suggestion to change my username, but who knows, if inspiration strikes me, I do like making those symbolic changes. I'm not sure where I stand right now on a lot of things. But I am starting to finally see that clinging to the past isn't what I want, I want to preserve the parts of my life that really truly fit me and take bold steps where other pieces no longer fit. Now it's just a matter of moving towards discovering just what those pieces are.
