Talked to a lawyer today...

And it gave me some relief, and hope that this roller coaster ride will soon end.

Last I posted I was going to tell my kids on Wednesday and move out Saturday. That didn't happen. Husband spoke to his boss who suggested we have therapy to get ideas for how to tell them and I realized I couldn't just drop this bomb on them and run away. I am trying to do this as kindly as possible for everyone and I need my kids. So I told him fine, nothing had to change right now, I would tell them later on after their various sports tryouts. And he promptly went back to denial and hasn't brought anything up again!

So then we had a few weeks of denial and then anger and repeat. Last weekend he was very mean and berated me all weekend for things totally out of my control and told me I have been nothing but hateful to him and that two wonen would not be raising his children!!!

So today I spoke to a lawyer. And good news is that PA doesn't care who I choose to be with, so even if he sees me in public with my friend once we are separated, he can't do a thing about it regarding custody. And it is not considered abandonment if I move out and leave my children with him temporarily, to not disrupt them any more than necessary. She (lawyer) actually encouraged me to try to wait as long as possible so that I don't have to pay as much support since he would be the primary custodial parent until summer.

So it was a huge relief that although he doesn't like the idea of it he can't do anything about it and keep my kids from me legally. I just didn't want to do anything to affect having at least partial custody so I am glad now that I waited to move out. Everything happens for a reason right? Tomorrow I have an appointment to look at an apartment near my house, and I feel pretty calm for now. I know there will be plenty more ups and downs but at least I am starting to move forward into a new chapter.

 

Mostly I decided to leave since I want this, I didn't feel right asking him to leave when he doesn't want a divorce.

 

My father abandoned me and it was hard to understand and come to grips with. I absolutely could not do that to my children, and I didn't want to give my husband any ammunition if you will. Nothing else has gone the way I wanted to or easily so it was great to have the lawyer say he doesn't have to like it but he can't do anything about it except drag his feet to sign the papers. It was also the first time I told someone else I love a woman and it was awkward but also a bit freeing. I am still struggling a bit with the guilt, though I am reading about women leaving, and a neighbor's wife left. That is helpful, but I think there is such a stigma for women to do it instead of men for some reason.

My friend and I looked at an apartment today. She will not live with me as we decided and the lawyer agreed that would aggravate matters with husband and affect any support I could get. That was surreal. I was extremely self conscious though we did not act like we are more than friends and all I could think about was wondering if the rental agent was wondering if we were a couple or not though she did not seem phased by us in the least! So then I had second thoughts because I worry I won't be able to afford this, that I am being secretive making these plans, and I kept asking my friend what I should do because I have never made such an important decision, I was always told what to do. Then fear kicked in because I never supported myself.

I realize I am a different, more responsible woman now, making more money, and that there are lots of things to do to make more money or get a loan or save money, but I can't get over the wtf am I doing???? I just can't stay on the step of strength for that long and it is so frustrating.

 

Thank you SnowshoeGeek for your kind words!!!They were much needed. Everything I have done has really been agonized over and it's been hard sometimes to not listen to the negative voices yelling in my head.

Oh and I love your signature lol!