Oh my, I tried to let my gay dreams meet gay reality and attempted to go to my first queer Meetup. I was feeling both nervous and chilled out in a nice mindless way. Got there and saw that it was a gay bar. But of course. The rainbow flag outside made me feel... something. But I couldn't go in. I had to stand outside in the street for a while. Go in? Go in now? No. A hidden thought: "If people see me go in there they will think something bad -- that I'm like that --" I stood there. "Wouldn't it be cool", I said to myself, "if I could do this sort of thing and be ok all the way through it, even enjoy it." Yup. The best thing would be to feel it all, the fear, and the awkwardness, and see the thoughts swirl around, while keeping the body in motion, possibly. Oh look, feet heading for the door. Press the handle down. That person there might think I'm gay now. So what, guess I am, pressing the handle down and all. Inside I realized that trying to join this Meetup felt like hitting a number of invisible walls. Outside on the street: a wall. Now here was another. Because: There were condoms at the entrance, and posters with scantily clad people that featured the word "GAY" in upper case letters a lot. "Sex-crazed loud in-your-face-people", said my panicking mind, suddenly flooded by old stereotypes and negative associations and a whole lot of discomfort. I assured Mind that these strange old messages had nothing to do with reality. Went to the bathroom to hide. It smelled bad in there. Go home now? No, let's meet people. Stepped out of the bathroom. Went back in. "Look, here's the plan", I told myself. "Take the phone and hold it. Pretend to be looking for someone. If you don't "find" them, we can go." Great plan. Yes. Super. I went in there. A few people at the bar. Um. Not them? I went to the back. Very crowded in there. People's backs were mostly what I could see. Quick realization: would have to elbow my way in and interrupt conversation. "I'm out of here", said Mind. It literally felt like being repelled by a force field. Just too much and too real. Oh, I wanted to stay. But how? Grabbed queer magazine. Left. Noooooooooooooo *fail* Sometimes I wish someone would grab me by the arm and throw me into the heat of things... it's what an introvert needs sometimes. :lol:
Oh, I was there quite a few times in my early 20's. It's so scary, yet I found once I was in it was ok. Exiting the building was the hard bit
When I had the opportunity to be with a man I said no thanks it wasn't for me. I've never had any other opportunity. When you've had years of arguing with yourself it's difficult to be totally clear. If I accept I'm a bit bi then that means I don't have to argue with myself and I can allow myself to have any thought/fantasy I want. So I'm trying that. ---------- Post added 11th Mar 2016 at 06:05 AM ---------- But what I'm also suggesting is that it still does fell a little icky, or all maybe a little less so. It's early days in allowing myself to consider the possibility of it. Sorry don't mean to be hard to read but I appear to be.
Oh my goodness I relate so much! I have only attempted a gay bar once and it was nearly empty. I don't drink so I forced myself to sit through two (very good) glasses of lemonade while the bartender bemoaned her latest girlfriend debacle to a woman sitting by me. Maybe if I go not in the middle of the afternoon my results will improve. Anyway - I relate and I think you did a fantastic job! (!)
YES. If i was brave enough to even try something like that, i have a feeling my brain would say exactly the same things as yours did. And this line, so so true.
Sorrel, it is so encouraging to hear you say that. I'm not there yet, but my nervousness about getting out there and mixing is definitely one of the things in the "Ok, maybe I'm not gay" column (which at this point is a nearly laughable column). I know I am, but I think my fears and doubts all latch on to normal things like just plain anxiety over a new venture & have a party there
Wow, I can relate. I wasn't at a gay club but when I first (and only) wen to see a girl I met online I was soo nervous and nearly didnt go, since she told me that she was interested in me. I forced myself to go and even tho we didnt meet a second time(mostly because she wanst really my type of person etc) I am still happy I went, because someday there will always be a first time and it probably wont be so good, but its worth it. I'm proud of you for going out of your comfort zone and daring something!
Dear fellow introverts and wonderful people, thanks for making me smile ☺ Next time I try it I will certainly think of you and get a boost! And I'm rooting for you too so do think of me too if you need it! After all, if what we set out to do didn't mean anything to us, it wouldn't stir up so many emotions.
Hi, thank goodness I'm not the only one going through this....lol. I plucked up the courage, I contacted the group organisers, said I was nervous, they arranged someone to meet me outside. I almost didn't go, I was late - I'm sure I was avoiding. But afterwards I was really glad I had. You did really well just getting there, don't give up. See if you can make contact with someone before.
I don't have a lot of insight, but I wanted to say good for you in getting out there! I'm not that brave. I'd love to go into a gay bar and try to be open. I'm looking forward to more stories at your next attempt .
