I went to a meetup today, and I have so much to share about it… (this is a bit jumbled because I'm running out of the door) My goals - First, to make friends, to make a first step in building an LGBT community I can feel a part of. Second, to be around other LGBT people and get used to women who may be more comfortable in their orientation, whether that means they are open in mentioning their orientation casually (my wife, my ex-girlfriend, etc), or open in being affectionate with their partners, or open expressing interest in women. Essentially, I’m hoping this will help me gain more comfort for myself in my orientation. Third, I’m hoping here and there I might meet a woman I find interesting/attractive, and I make an attempt to do some basic things like make eye contact, flirt, etc., just to get comfortable with expressing this. So, other general things: Today was my first attempt at “trying on being gay” I’m taking this wording from another poster’s suggestion to someone else on here. Basically this involves avoiding mentioning much about my hetero life (having a husband, not having ever had a girlfriend, etc). It also means that I open up my walls and try to let in whatever feelings I have towards a woman that I chat with and to not get awkward at a small touch on the hand, maintain eye contact, etc. I did ok at this. I’m still working on not being awkward in talking to a woman where mutual attraction seems possible. It was uncomfortable, I felt pulled towards being open, being natural, being myself, but I felt inhibited, stiff. Also, its a bit tricky not mentioning my hetero life...I have to work on smooth ways to not mention my husband in certain points of the conversation... In terms of trying to find my place in this community - I recognised a couple of people at the meetup from one I went to months ago. I felt very welcomed, and had a great time. It felt warm and fuzzy to be around these great women. In terms of making a connection - I met this awesome woman, someone I could imagine being a great friend with. Of course, who knows if we’ll meet again, but I did exchange details with her. I felt a mild flirtation happening between us. I was slightly awkward, but not too much so. It was more comfortable than I expected, but I felt my walls around me, confining me from behaving naturally, I was a bit stiff and uncomfortable. In terms of being comfortable in my own skin - I was sort of half comfortable, half uncomfortable. ....I have to run, but I’ll check back in in a bit.
Kudos to you going to a meetup. I want to do the same in the near future but im so nervous about. I'm guessing the more and more you get to know folks in the lgbt community you'll feel more comfortable.
Thanks! I'm really happy with the experience. I knew going in that i was going to feel awkward, stiff, uncomfortable, inhibited. So I gave myself really small goals. I have such a long way to go, but I feel like I made the tiniest little dent in the walls I've built up around me when it comes to being myself and being comfortable "trying on being gay". You should definitely go to a meetup, try it and see how it feels. It's like you said, the more you go the more comfortable you would likely become.
Hey baristajedi, Good for you for getting out there. Just one thing, and I'm kind of conflicted posting this but I hope it won't deter you. When you talk about omitting reference to your husband, it worries me. Not that you can't do whatever you want with regard to that but I'm just thinking from the perspective of someone who might meet you. Personally, If I had worked up the courage to go to one of these meetups and was lucky enough to meet someone with whom I could make friends, start hanging out with her and then begin to think there might be a chance of actually dating her, all to then find out she was married, I would be pretty mad. That's a lot of emotional energy to expend on someone you find in an environment where you're expecting everyone to be single or clear that they are not. Was it specifically a social meetup? Or was it centred around something else altogether, like stamp collecting or something? Are you actually deflecting when people ask you or is nobody asking?
Cool to learn you are moving ahead! I would agree with Really.. You'd want someone to like you for who you are, what you are made of..
I should clarify - I don't mean that I want to pretend I'm single, I just don't want to bring in all thd baggage that I'm with a man and have to even really reference that. I'm ok with saying I have a "partner" instead maybe. The group I met up with was mixed (some single some in relationships). I want to add more in response in a sec...brb
Yeah. Sorry. I didn't mean you were being cagey but mentioning a partner would do. I'm having a frustrating day, the least of which was spilling something in my car, so I may be taking it out on you. You're welcome. :}
Really, I wanted to respond to what you said in more detail because I'm kind of conflicted about some of it myself, and kind of stuck on how to handle it. So first, the stuff I'm not conflicted on that might give background: The premise of the meetup was more friendship based, there was one couple there together, a few women who were known in the group as part of couples, and then there were just a few other people who may/may not be single. It was not meant to be a place to meet women to date. Second, I'm not intending to misrepresent myself as single, I just don't want to reference my relationship to a man... it says alot about me that I'm not sure I'm ready to reveal on a first meeting, "hi, I'm a lesbian/bi woman married to a dude and that likely means I'm closeted or have been closeted most of my life until a late age, but I clearly want to connect with lesbians as I'm here at this event". I'd rather just be a (partnered) woman who is interested in women at an event for other lgbt people. I'm not sure if that makes sense. You asked if I'm deflecting or if nobody is asking.... well today I ended up saying "my husband" at some point because I couldn't quickly think of how to answer a question that I typically answer by referencing my husband (why did you move here - my husband's job). But I really wish I'd just said "my partner". BUT A concern I do have... one of the things I want to get out of this experience is to start feeling more free flirting and showing interest in women I meet. But I don't want to cross the line from innocent flirting to leading on. I honestly don't know how far is too far... I'm a little bit stuck in knowing how to both push myself out of my place of fear and be willing to express these things without being overboard and making it seem like I intend to take it further.... part of it I guess is about reading the other person's intentions too. Like the woman I met today.... we sort of ended up splitting from the group, but at first it was accidental, we were just walking a bit faster, but then we more intentionally went off on our own. But it was all couched in friendly terms, like let's get out and get some air. I mentioned my kid to her, which might imply family... I don't know. I worry that I'm doing this all wrong. ---------- Post added 11th Mar 2016 at 02:39 PM ---------- keep us updated! Good luck if you decide to go! ---------- Post added 11th Mar 2016 at 02:42 PM ---------- Thanks . I feel like it's a tiny tiny baby step, but it definitely feels like I'm moving forward. I don't know how to handle the whole husband thing... I'm honestly stuck on it. (as my other response shows). The better I get to know any new person, the more I'd be willing to share of course, but at this point, I want to keep it as simple as I can. ---------- Post added 11th Mar 2016 at 02:49 PM ---------- No worries, it's good to get constructive feedback. You guys are helping me figure all of this stuff out. And sorry about your frustrating day . Your avi tells me that this might cheer you up: (did the image post?)
Thanks for the puppies, baristajedi. I'm better now. Thinking about it now, I don't think mentioning your husband has to be a bad thing. I'm sure it's understood if you go to something billed as LGBT, most people will understand you're not straight. Nosy question you can ignore... Did the woman you walked away with have the husband info or was that someone else who asked about your move? As for flirting, personally I find banter easier. And to me, it's a kind of meta-flirting. Like, we're joking around and I can say words that could be flirty but aren't intended to woo. I don't know. Does that make sense?
I guess this is true. I just feel a little.... uncomfortable about it at this point. No...the woman I walked away with did not have the husband info. eek. But really, I don't know if she was even interested in me. I got a bit of a flirty vibe, but not super strong. Well to be honest, I don't know how to flirt... I'm into banter as well, but not sure I know how to make it meta-flirty either... I don't even know if I know how to interpret flirting... I clearly have a lot to learn, lol. I feel like I was expressing a flirtiness and she too but I'm not even sure I can describe why... I think we were standing a bit closer, there were a few moments of eye contact that felt nice, and when we were outside she pulled out the list of upcoming events and pointed to one that she was going to, asking if I'd be there. Now that I'm writing this out I'm realising... did I flirt successfully with a woman??? I think I may have :eusa_danc :lol:
Good for you! I want to do this too. But our LGBT community is so so small. I´m not out yet so it´s just not possible here. I´m going to visit my sister in the States in May. She knows I´m gay. I´m planning on going to bars/night clubs/events or whatever. Just to get comfortable and explore that side of me. Hope to feel free. Hope to feel true to myself. Hope to feel amazing. No intentions of cheating on my husband, but conversations, flirting, eye contacts and such would be new and great. :icon_redf
Yahoo! I think it sounds like a resounding success! From my perspective I really don't know how to make it less awkward. I have so little experience with women, and what I had was slam-bang! and we're having sex/kinky play. Like, within 24 hours. Except for the best friend I fell in love with, but even then it was a drunken threesome that I had no clue would ever happen until we were all making out. Soooo... what I mean is, I know little of a world where women meet, become friends, know that a relationship is possible but aren't sure yet if they want to pursue it with each other. Dating or pre-dating I guess - I only know the "rules" with men. So, my making friends with bisexual women is a helpful but still very awkward phase. I just try to make friends with women with whom I can be up front about my awkwardness... women who'll smile and understand. If I were to be around full-on lesbians I wouldn't know what to do. My one date with a lesbian turned into a "true confessions" listing of all of my heterosexual relationships. And there wasn't a second date but I'm not sure if that's just because I was too humiliated after that. She even told me, she didn't have a problem dating a woman who'd been mostly (or entirely) with men. So at least one lesbian in the world didn't mind the idea. But, she was also married to a woman and looking to expand into poly. I'm babbling but I'm exactly where you are and I just want to say, I think you are doing great. I don't know if there is a way for you to discover bisexual women near you. For me it's been accidental and it only happened when I specifically came out to them in some way. And these are women who aren't available for one reason or another. But it helps so much just to be able to bounce ideas off of them and talk about my feelings with little pressure. I guess if we felt like we knew what we were doing, we wouldn't be doing something new, right? Keep it up and keep us posted please! (!)
Wooooot!!!(!) happy for you. Please keep us posted i wanted to learn things from this meet up too and I hope this summer I will have the courage to do it also and hope not to feel afraid of doing it. Goodluck!
Thanks . I'm sorry you're having trouble finding an lgbt community near you. Is there anyway for you to form a group on your own (meetup.com for example)? Or could you visit a nearby city? Good luck in trying all of this out when you visit your sister! I hope you feel all of those things you want to feel as well. ---------- Post added 12th Mar 2016 at 05:53 PM ---------- Snowshoe, thanks for sharing your experiences, it always helps me to reflect on mine. I'm feeling good at the moment about where I am....I'm so far from where I want yo be, but I do feel I'm finally making real progress. I have so much discomfort and so many walls up. I just have to keep getting out there I think. ---------- Post added 12th Mar 2016 at 05:55 PM ---------- Thanks , and I hope you go for it too. It's daunting but I think every time you get out there it becomes a tiny tiny bit easier.
