Always known?

I can only speak for myself, but my earliest memories of attraction were towards members of the same sex. It may sound silly, but I can even remember feeling something for other boys in junior school, around the age of 9 and on that basis I say that I have "always known". It may be different for others, but that's how it was for me.

 

It's totally possible. I had a pretty reasonable libido as a teen, but most of the adult magazines I was able to access was hetero. I mean, that worked, but my first inkling that I was interested in men was via the gay porn ads in the back - I would just stare and stare. And then feel weird, and go back to the hetero stuff like a "normal" person ought to. It was still erotic, but it didn't have near the power that those little censored images in the ads had. So began this long argument with the Christian homophobia that had been pounded into my head. And if I look back, I can see that thread of sexual and romantic interest in men running through my entire life, running right alongside my attempts at sexual and romantic satisfaction with women. Now I feel like I've hit a point where things are balanced as they should be (for me), where I do find women lovely, but my desire for them is almost entirely absent & my desire for men has grown to the point where, well, here I am.

 

Here is my experience. I can remember that as early as sixth grade and junior high thinking that certain guys were cute, even though at the time I had no positive role models for being gay because straight was the only option on the menu where I grew up. Thus I did not properly parse the signals in my brain. In high school I felt envious of certain guys with girlfriends. In hindsight, the envy could be explained because I was attracted to the guy. In general I did not find most adolescent girls attractive growing up, though there were a few exceptions since I'm technically a Kinsey 5 bisexual (10% straight). I hid behind academics so there were no questions asked about my lack of dating.

As someone who grew up in an environment where being gay was wrong, I was able to convince myself straight until I reached midlife and realized that wasn't who I really am.

HTH

 

For my part, I knew I was gay almost from the moment I became a sexual being, i.e., had my first orgasm, around age 11. I only ever fantasized about guys, and I had plenty of "material" for my fantasies, since I'm of an age where all middle-school and high-school kids were required to shower after P.E.

I also have memories where my orientation was clear even before I knew what sex was. For example, I clearly remember my mother scolding me at age 5 for staring at my father and his best friend as they got undressed for a swim. And for some reason, I was one of the first in my grade 5 class to volunteer to take a shower after P.E. (when it was still optional).

 

I don't recall my masturbatory fantasies during my teenage years. As I shared before, I remember certain homoerotic thoughts, though I honestly don't know if they bled into my fantasies.

 

I think there is no one experience thst fits all lgbt people. Denial can be strong, heteronormative values can provide compelling pressure to retrain your brain. I'm saying this just to make a disclaimer for any experience that might come out on the thread that differs from "I always knew".

As for me: I've known since age 10 that I was attracted to girls. I've only ever fantasised about women. But there was s time where I didn't allow myself to fantasise at all, I just shut that thought process down. There was also a time where I denied attraction to girls and explained it away, but looking back it was there.

The confusing part for me is - were my feelings for men ever true? They felt true but I don't know anymore. I guess I wanted to be "normal" and I wanted things to be simpler thsn they were. I could be bi, I could be gay, but my attraction for girls/women has been there from a very young age.

 

I knew I was gay when I was young also, like Jr high school as well. But I was taught it was wrong and I stuffed my feeling and kept them hidden inside. I never really fantasized about women per say The majority of my fantasy world with boys/men. I ended up dating a girl and then married her thinking it would fix me being gay, but now I know that is not true.

 

I am the only one that will say that i didnt really know, but in retrospect i should have known. The attraction was so natural that i never gave it a second thought about it. I did, however, never let myself think about being gay or being with women. I was raised by strict catholic parents that made me feel like the only option i had was being straight. I never allowed myself to fantasize. That part of me was locked away.

Looking back, i know that i only really looked at women. When i read books that had erotica scenes with male and female, it was the female characters that my mind always focused on. Same with sex scenes on TV. I would only watch the women opposed to the shirtless men that my friends oogled.

 

Ok for me I fantasized about both. As a teen I probably could have got it up thinking about tomato soup lol and I don't even like tomato soup lol. Can I ask why your asking? I am assuming you are thinking about what your fantasies were and wondering if they compare...

 

During those years (even if you tried to ignore it) were you attracted to guys? And could family/society pressure you in to heteronorm behaviour lol

 

And now? Where is you mind now?

 

I will respond to the question above. I've pretty much had eyes for guys, pretty much starting at 8 or 9. But I did not know what that meant.

To answer to question above. Yes. Sex and reproduction is very powerful. But sex is not love. Sex is not who you want for companionship. Sex is not who you want to live with and make a life with. Sex is basically "getting off". Sex and love are TWO DIFFERENT ANIMALS.

I've come to realize that all to many of us on ECs are still under the influence, to some degree, of religion in the West. One person teaming up with another person. Thats not how we really started and evolved. So of course some of us, we long for many.

Later

 

I remember having strong attraction as early as 11 or 12 to guys. I was always more attracted to guys where that attraction had more of a yearning and desire for deep experience. As a young man I played at love with girls to get some intimacy and sexual experience; it was different. I remember several times having a girl in my arms and imagining it was a guy.

Later got married and fathered children. I love my wife as a great person and mother but the fire and passion I feel for men is totally different.

 

The fire... A perfect way to put it... I didn't realize this is what v desire felt like, till I accepted the gayness that is me lol