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Some general thoughts and ramblings

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Mar 12, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    So this may serve as an update of sorts for anyone who is interested in my journey, for me it's a chance to step back a bit and shake my thoughts around to understand where I stand on alot of the things that have been on my mind since coming out. Alot of my fears, concerns and questions have changed so I want to lay it all out again for myself.

    Any thoughts anyone has on your own journeys or insights you might have for me, I'd love to hear it.


    What I'm working on right now

    At this point, I have basically one main goal. To become more comfortable with my feelings about women, explore them, and let go of my shame.

    Through this I hope to become a more fully realised person. I want to experience feelings around women and just be me for once. I'm starting on this slowly. Tiny tiny baby steps.

    I posted an earlier thread about going to a meet up on Friday. There was all sorts of stiffness, awkwardness and discomfort on my part. But there was a bit of a dent, a leak in my armor. I felt something, I'm not sure even how to put it into words because I don't think I've let myself feel much for a woman before, but I felt something raw and very nice around one woman. She had this energy, sort of confident, irreverent, free. I liked the way her presence felt, I liked that I liked it too. I like to think back at our first bit of conversation and the way she caught my eye and we held eye contact.

    There was nothing very strong happening between us, just an initial spark, a feeling of attraction, interest. But I was sort of open to it and I let those feelings in for the large part, rather than setting up my defenses, shutting down my senses. And I liked feeling this very simple chemistry.

    I want to keep denting my walls, and chipping away until they collapse. I like the feelings I experienced with just a tiny bit of openness. And I like that I was at least a little open.

    So this is basically where I am right now. It's my main goal, and i think the most important thing I need to grow.


    I also really want to find a place for myself in an lgbt community. I'm going to keep going to meet ups and just generally keep trying to make lgbt friends. And I've also decided to try to form a meet up for people local to me coming out later in life, like EC but 'in real life'. I'm not sure how many people will feel they'd want something like this, but I think it would be amazing to have friends nearby that I can support and who can support me in this common experience. I'm filled with warm fuzzies at the idea, so I hope it works.


    I feel kind of inspired at the moment, at a good point in my journey. I have so far to go, but I feel a bit of progress is being made.


    My orientation

    I think for the first time I'm starting to entertain the idea that maybe I'm actually a lesbian and not bi. But I still think it may be true that I am bi. I can finally let this question and this possibility form in my head because I am able to distance myself from the emotional impact of the idea that, yeah i may simply be a lesbian. I don't mean that I'm detached in a negative way, I'm not emotionally detached out of fear or any such negative emotion, I am feeling detached from it because I know that it's not time yet to really figure that out. And that gives me a huge sense of calm. I will want to look at this more closely at some point, but I think that this is going to become evident soon when it's time for it to become evident.

    How will it become evident?

    Well, I think honestly it will become evident when I get closer to a point that my defenses have melted. Right now my wall of shame is very strong, I am chipping away at it very slowly. I think sometime in the future, after spending time in the world around bi and gay women, letting myself feel whatever I really feel, allowing those feelings to just sort of be there, ,enjoy them, feel them, then I will know what I really feel.

    I do know that I felt a passion in the pit of my stomach, warmth in my chest, deep longing and warmth and comfort with at least one man. And a whole range of other emotions that may be described as real physical and emotional attraction for men. I don't expect that I will be able to collect all of these observations for my feelings around women. Instead I think soon, at some point I will just know, everything will click, I will experience my feelings strongly around a woman, and I I'll just be able to say - it all makes sense now.

    Honestly I'm letting my subconscious guide me in this area. I think that's the only way to really learn the truth.

    What has my subconscious told me thus far?...well it's still not clear. I have in my own head called myself gay or lesbian without meaning to, when I think about various things related to my orientation. It just sort of slips out so to speak. And it feels big, powerful, it's just a word, gay, but such a loaded one. It doesn't feel *wrong*, it doesn't feel like it doesn't fit. The word bisexual on the other hand, feels off kilter, like clothes that are a bit loose, that don't quite work. It's not that I think the word is wrong, but it doesn't feel adequate.
    On the other hand, it does feel true and real saying that I was truly in love with at least one man, that what I have felt for men Ive had in my life was real and intense.

    I guess given all of this, I've settled on the term queer for now. I'm ok with that until/if it doesn't make sense anymore.

    My marriage

    Much like the question of bi or lesbian, I have grown detached from the questions I have about my marriage. I was spinning and spinning my wheels about this for so long, trying to figure out what this all means for my marriage.

    But I have decided for this one, to let my subconscious guide me.

    I don't feel like a good wife right now. My husband and I have become mostly roommates and coparents at thins point. It's what I need to let myself sort through everything. I feel bad for how that affects him though. I don't want him to have to be in this state of prolonged uncertainty. But i guess we've reached this understanding that it's the only way things can be right now.

    What has my subconscious told me about this thus far? In this case, it goes in both directions. Sometimes I have images come into my head about the possible outcomes, all of which feel warm and good, I suppose I subconsciously try on the best case scenario of all the outcomes. Me alone with my daughter, untouched to my husband or anyone new. Me with a woman, someone warm and wonderful who brings me warmth and passion. And then me and my husband, sipping wine, laughing, with a warm energy between us, everything settled, and our marriage strengthened.

    In short, it's really too early to tell what will happen. And I don't want to rush that process. I believe that what happens in the end will be right, will happen the way it should. I believe in myself, finally, that I won't choose a path based on fear. It will be done out of the belief that we each are able to have a fulfilling meaningful life by staying together, or that we aren't able to and we have to go separate ways.

    I'm at a good place in this area, finally. But I'm far from knowing what decision I'll make.

    ----
    So what are you all going through at this stage? Share, please, if you'd like :slight_smile:. And if you made it this far, thanks for reading it all :slight_smile:.
     
    #1 baristajedi, Mar 12, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2016
  2. dirtyshirt84

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    Well done on going to the meet up! I think that's quite a big step forward. I think I would also feel awkward and a bit uncomfortable. But I guess the more you get used to being in these kind of situations and the more open you allow yourself to be the more comfortable you will feel? Great you met someone you felt a spark with too!



    I would definitely be interested in an 'ec' in real life, well, once I'm more comfortable the idea of going along to something like that!

    I guess you just need to let your feelings guide you on this and over time and perhaps once you have been with a woman/let yourself experience feelings for a women it will become clearer. I used to not be able to even entertain the idea of being a lesbian, even in my head, but now I accept it as a possibility. The word bisexual feels right to me though. When I was a teenager I only really felt attracted to men, it was only when I met my ex-girlfriend when I was 20 that I realised I was also attracted to women. Although maybe it just never seemed like a possibility for me when I was growing up, I don't know.



    I can relate to a lot of what you say about your marriage. My husband was previously very supportive of me being bisexual and knows about my previous relationship with a women etc but since I have begun to question my orientation more he seems threatened by it (perhaps understandably). It’s hard to try and explore your feelings and your sexuality from within the confines of a marriage. I feel like I have been quite emotionally distant and feel like I need space. At least you and your husband seem to have come to and understanding. How did he feel about you going to the meet up?
     
  3. baristajedi

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    Thanks for getting through my book :slight_smile:


    Thanks :icon_bigg It was a great experience. It gave my confidence a big nudge. But in some ways it took so much of my energy, because I was on high alert in my emotions the whole time, like feeling my defenses go up and having to fight it, or saying things that, as they came out, made me feel ashamed (revealing, without wanting to, my life as a person who's been in the closet so long), and basically just a lot of intense emotions.

    The woman I had a bit of a spark with just texted me about an hour ago... it made my stomach do a flip. I feel like a shy teenager right now, hot and red and a little giddy. I don't expect that friendship to turn into anything, really, at all. I just feel quite a lot of emotion in response because I've always had so many defenses up with women, that this is so new and nice to me.



    I'm really hoping it works out, I want to have this kind of outlet with real people, and the best case scenario is that it may even open up a new network of lgbt friends who I feel totally comfortable with.

    I'm thinking that's the best thing for me. To go out and try my best to not let my defenses up, be a little more open each time, and rinse repeat. I hope through that I learn how I really define myself. This question has started eating at me since I posted it, but I know I just need to be patient and open.




    Yes, this is really hard, having this need to explore who I am while married. How are you managing to do it?

    It's funny, just after posting this, my husband started pushing me more to "work on us". It makes my stomach hurt to think about "working on us". I need to work on me. I want to be fair to him, but I don't want to slip back into a life of denying my true self.
     
    #3 baristajedi, Mar 14, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2016
  4. dirtyshirt84

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    I felt like that whenever my crush messaged me or liked/commented on something I posted on Facebook. You never know where it might lead! Nice to let yourself feel those emotions anyway. I think because I have been with my husband so long I had forgotten what it was like.


    I'm not sure I am managing all that well to be honest. My husband says he has been trying so hard to make our relationship work and he feels that I am not trying at all. He doesn't understand my need to be more open about my sexuality and why I want to tell more people. I think he feels scared of losing me but I think I just need some space and time to figure everything out.

    I do with work with two lesbians though (my crush and another women) and we talk a lot about feminist issues and heteronormative society etc so I think that helps. I hope to be more open with them if/when it feels like the right thing to do and if I feel comfortable.
     
  5. confusedbubble

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    I'd be up for a real life EC meet up that sounds a brilliant idea maybe it could coincide with a pride event or something like that.
    It feels great to let go of the feelings of shame although I still get that odd tinge of guilt every now and again being a later in life is hard I had a same sex relationship at 26 ish and that was hard still being in the closet I felt myself being pushed back in, Years ago I thought I was bisexual but got into a short relationship with a man and felt nothing even though he was kind I had to break it off because it felt wrong. I'm still not out to everyone after years of hiding behind that bolted closet door its still hard but liberating when you do tell people
     
  6. baristajedi

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    Yeah, I really like these feelings, although crush is a bit strong in my case. It's more like interest piqued... :slight_smile:

    What you say about yourself and your husband is so similar to my situation. I hope you figure out a way to explore your feelings.

    ---------- Post added 15th Mar 2016 at 02:10 AM ----------

    About an EC meetup in real life, I'd love that too, but I was saying something different iny post, I want to form a local group of later in life lgbt, modelled after EC.

    I'm not sure I'm brave enough yet to go to a pride event.

    It's so intimidating to come out, I understand your fears. It's funny we have the opposite problem - I'm out with family/friends but I've very little experience with women. We all have these similar feelings of trepidation and it surfaces in so many different ways.
     
    #6 baristajedi, Mar 15, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2016