So anxious lately.....

God yes, the other day I had to take Xanax to attend my nephew's birthday party. Or hard I feel like two people. The real me, gay and ready to join the community. Then the public me, married taking care of my grandparents with only 3 people who know what's going 2 of which are not supportive and the other busy all the time. My therapist even commented on how I'll answer everything with two totally different answers. Sometimes I feel going to lose my mind. And then what, die a virgin (obviously I've sleep with my wife but she is the only person and since I've never been with a man so I'm taking back my v card lol)

 

Perhaps it's not exactly anxiety, maybe it's a kind of excitement you have never experienced before..

Upon accepting myself, I felt a strange lightness, hard to describe, but something many have described as the heaviness of the fear of being discovered just suddenly lifting...and this can cause a kind of vertigo, where you are unsure of your bearings, unsure of all the things you used to believe in.

Examine this possibility, you may find better words to describe it...maybe it's a feeling you will remember for the rest of your life, a kind of scary euphoria perhaps...

 

I don't know if it's anxiety or not (probably is?), but I think about this stuff pretty much all the time: Who will I come out to first? Should I tell my wife, yep, ready to plunk my money down on Gay? Then close friends? The reverse? This seems absurd, absurd, absurd. Or, what will this lead to? Separate rooms and we both date? Divorce? Will she be vengeful in a divorce? How will I avoid relationships like this one? How does this impact my son? Ok, so assuming I'm someday out and in a position to meet people, how does someone with no experience even start doing that? Will I get all the way there suddenly feel like ... nope? Do I need a fitness coach? Is that dumb? Will I ever actually feel settled about any of this, or is this my life now? Etc., etc.

Maybe I've just gotten very used to feeling this way - frog in the slowly warming pot of water.

 

I have mini panic attacks when i think about it. Then i feel completely anxious when i think about coming out fully. But i think thats because im not ready to. I think i still have some way to go before i can totally accept myself.

 

Yep, I'm much better now that it has been about a year since I started to accept myself. However, I still sometimes feel like a fraud and wonder if it is real. However, I do remember having a few mini sobbing panic attacks when I first started to acknowledge my long pent up feelings. Therapy helped me get through it.

MelShill - I'm still not totally out, and am still not sure how that would work should I find myself needing to be (e.g. entering a relationship), but I've told some friends and a couple of family members all who have been supportive.

 

I've definitely experienced both. It comes and goes and have to really be patient so as not to compromise time with my family.

Excitement when I think of the hopeful future of dating a guy and being with one forever then anxious when I return to the reality of everyday because I just can't yet and want it now.
Excitement when I chat and skype with a great guy I met recently but anxious because we can't be together.

 

Traveler that is perfect way to describe the feeling between excitement, fear, happiness, sadness, patience and urgency

 

Carpe when do you feel most anxious? Is there anything you do or that goes on that makes it worse?

I've chatted online and enjoy window shopping; it can make me feel alive and open up a little but then I need to shut it down if it goes to far; anxiousness creeps in. Very few guys online want to meet for coffee lol

 

Yes window shopping is OK, just don't put anything on layaway he he

 

Coming out for me definitely brought a rush of feelings, my mind was everywhere. I think I understand what you're going through.

The best thing I could do was try to focus on one question/worry/fear at a time. It didn't always work, but little by little the anxiety and distraction relaxed.

You are making a brave step, working towards more fully knowing yourself. Kudos to you! I wish you the bet as you move forward.

 

Wow, I found this website because I was looking for others gay/bi/questioning who are experiencing anxiety / panic attacks! Mine started and as I realized I was coming to terms with some of it, my symptoms seemed to lesson. So I decided, the truth will set me free, right? In many ways it has, and I'm grateful. But 25 years later I still have the anxiety / panic (and no, it's not this way for everyone). But I still believe that living in truth is the answer . . . I think I just have more truth to uncover for myself.

 

yes! I had insane anxiety. I couldn't sit still. And I too would go for hour long drives, usually listening to Lana Del Rey. I would also meet up with my best friend CONSTANTLY, as she's the only one who knew at that time. Once I needed to vent about my crush and thoughts so badly, couldn't sit still while feeling so bad that I was always coming to her in a panic that I massaged her feet as I told her my issues, haha. It's hard to wrap your head around, and having a racing mind/a lot of contemplation is totally normal. I also barely spoke to my mom for a year because I was so confused and anxious all the time. I stayed in my head. Just be careful not to make yourself sick. Stress can do that. So when you find yourself in moments of extreme anxiety. Try some breathing techniques to calm yourself.

 

Haha, I would go to Starbucks too!! We sound the same. My breakdown was during Lana's Ultraviolence release. So I'd just drive and drink and blast that whole CD a million times. It was definitely therapeutic. Though it didn't help the anxiety or confusion much. But my crush was driving me crazy. It wasn't just a coming out thing for me. There was someone messing with me in the mix.

Now I wanna go listen to Ultraviolence again. So good.

Also don't get me started on Canadians. I have a strange thing with them. I'm always attracted to them. Hahahaha. And Australians.

 

Well glad you had s good time out (with you friend and the Canadians) although I'm waiting to settle things with the Mrs first, the first time a guy hit on me since I started this process was such a rush. Made me feel better and worse. Better because I knew I was right about this. I've never felt like that flirting with any woman. And worse because part of me hated I couldn't act on it and the other part felt guilty because of the wife.

Free coffee, that's awesome

 

Interesting you made this thread..
For weeks I've been waking up several times a night, some nights on almost every hour, in cold sweat. Never, ever has this happened to me before!

It happens during the day too if. I drift into personal sexuality questions/thoughts/recalling stuff that happened to me so far..
My labs are normal, I am at this point attributing this to anxiety (subconscious thoughts and feelings).

Have no other explanation for this. Looking back and evaluating all the stuff I've gone through and am going through on subconscious level, I guess it would be enough to severely disrupt my sleep patterns and body response to stress.

Hang in there:icon_wink

 

Well for me I'm not as worried about making a mistake as you say; if you mean hookup yeah I suppose that could lead to it but you just have to have discipline. I'm so happy when I get to be me and I chat and hang with gay friends.

I did stray when I first came of age so to speak but 10 years of a sexless marriage made me indifferent to any guilt etc. I've met some really great guys via chat etc. and become good friends.

Couple weeks ago I went to a gay bar while traveling. It was so nice to just sit and hangout for a couple of hours. Just sat at the bar and talked with a couple of guys; I felt so comfortable; it kind of gave me energy for the whole next week. I suppose if I lingered and had a few too many drinks I could have got into trouble but I went there with the mindset of just having a drink or two and that was that.

Yes the longing and anxiousness comes when you want what you can't have but little doses of being me keep me going and help manage the desire for what's not yet possible.